Monday, February 18, 2013

WWE Elimination Chamber 2013

 Here is this!

Team Rhodes Scholars vs Brodus Clay & Tensai

Despite breaking up the Rhodes/Sandow team, they've got fuck all nothin' to do with either of them, so they came up with a flimsy reason to put them in the free match against the fat dancers, who soon will have fit and chiseled competition from FahnDONgooo. It was a reunion, b/c the fans wanted it, which of course the fans did not, BOO. Still, this was less flimsy than the deplorable Matt Striker attempting to explain why Clay took a back bump when he was dropkicked in the back of the head by Sandow as he had Rhodes in his clutches. Striker, who does get credit for thinking fast, I'll say that, explained that Rhodes pushed off which caused Brodus to fall backwards. It was stupid, but what can you do? Brodus & Tensai are a fucking awful tag team with no chemistry but like a dickhead wearing a unicorn t-shirt because he has no actual personality, they have been thrown together because it's funny that they're fat and dance. They won, because the WWE tag team division is "back," which means it has two meaningful teams at a time and guys who wrestle on the Ion channel and the internet. Brodus & Tensai might get to be one. They might not.

World Heavyweight Championship: The Big Show vs Alberto Del Rio (c)

Alberto has gotten very good, and he carries the new persona fairly well, though I think he tries to smile too much, because he was always smiling before, too, and his smile doesn't seem genuine. These two have good chemistry, and the match was good enough to make me largely ignore how completely worthless this title is. Alberto getting the tapout win gives him some strong momentum into WrestleMania, and puts The Big Show back into the shark tank.

WWE United States Title: Antonio Cesaro (c) vs The Miz

Through my day job, I am exposed to people overusing the word "warrior" to describe athletes, which I think is grossly overused in general. JBL, however, sunk to new depths by describing The Miz as a "warrior" for wrestling with DDP rib tape on his shoulder due to that awesome thing where Antonio swung him into the barricade like 50 times. Or four, or whatever. Cesaro is fantastic -- truly a great wrestler. Miz is not. It's not that he wouldn't stand out big time on most indy shows, because he would, but here in the big leagues, he's capable, which you wouldn't have expected early on, I suppose, but he's subpar. What's really strange is he struggles just as much with personality, I think; he just does not have "babyface" in him, because he's not really likable. But he seems like a guy who tries really hard. I guess you can respect that, if not his SuperCuts 'do.

One thing irrationally pissing me off, as a grown man a month away from turning 31, is that The Miz does not deserve to have the figure four. This is extremely stupid, but I just can't buy it. Ric Flair's not making me think The Miz is cool. Sorry, Nature Boy. Anyway, Miz loses on a weak DQ when he low blows Cesaro due to Cesaro's own counter effort. After the match, Miz punts Cesaro in the nuts for real. This match was just fine, but the finish was godawful, and I don't really worry about finishes anymore.


Elimination Chamber: Jack Swagger (w/Zeb Colter) vs Kane vs Mark Henry vs Randy Orton vs Daniel Bryan vs Chris Jericho

They really tried like hell with that "Welcome to the belly of the beast" line. I really, really enjoyed this match, and the Swagger push has hooked me. The Zeb Colter character is going to ruffle feathers, it's going to turn some people off, but it is classic professional wrestling, using the controversies and touchy subjects of the day to conjure top heels. That Swagger is actually good is a bonus, and the character work by both is excellent. Dirty Dutch, of course, is a pro's pro and knows how to handle himself on the mic, no matter what you give him. Swagger is coming off perfectly like an in-flux, impressionable, searching younger man who falls prey to the suave hate speech of an old asshole, who can probably walk around most days without anyone knowing he's a scrumbag.

Team Hell No mostly wound up fodder for Mark Henry, who sent them out back-to-back before Orton eliminated him after Orton, Swagger, and Jericho triple-teamed him to get him out. The final three was compelling, and people will mock this shit just like they did Eddie-JBL, probably, but likely not as bad since Swagger is a better worker than JBL was in the minds of the geniuses who post on forums about how HHH holds people down and releasing Tyler Reks was a BIG MISTAKE, but in the end, the angle's going to have legs, it's going to get really over, and they're going to have some hot matches. It's too bad Alberto won't be allowed to bleed six buckets like Eddie did.

John Cena, Sheamus & Ryback vs The Shield

Watching John Cena take off his precious pretend dog tags, kissing them, and telling the referee, "Don't lose these," about cracked me up right to death. After the match got going, it didn't take long for JBL to say, "I've wrestled the Freebirds, I've seen the Four Horsemen, I'm not sure The Shield isn't the most destructive team in the history of sports-entertainment," and again, I am a grown man with a real life and real shit to worry about. I got a lot goin' on. I got things on a plate and that plate belongs to me and it sucks. And yet I managed an, "Aw, fuuuuck yooou" in response, because the notion that The Shield, who have had like two televised matches as a team, are the most destructive clique in rasslin history, is so beyond completely fucking mentally retarded that while I "get" why they say it, because today has to be better than it's ever been, you have to tell your audience that and try to convince them, it's so blatantly fucking stupid that even Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole are like, "Jesus, you might want to calm down, you moron," but they said it nicer than that. The claim is so bizarre and blatantly phony that there is seriously no value in even saying it. You could just say, "These guys are a force, these are some real deal motherfuckers," but no, it has to be that they're BETTER THAN THE FOUR HORSEMEN. Holy shit.

Lawler and Bradshaw then get into a long, drawn-out argument where they keep repeating themselves, neither of them with anything interesting to say. After the Shield get the win in a mediocre match due to the babyfaces having nobody to appropriately take a beating, leaving that job to Cena's stupid ass, JBL believes that everyone must agree with him now, which reminds me of horrible idiot sports talk arguments. This one is about equivalent to, "Did Michael Jordan ever score 100 in a game? No. Wilt's the best ever, NUFF SAID."

After the match, Ryback walks out and Cena is like, "swrong, buddy? yokay?"

Dolph Ziggler comes out to talk, channeling the combined spirits of Dennis Stamp and Shawn Michaels. Then Booker T interrupts him and sets up an impromptu match with a man he feels is a better athlete than Ziggler. To no surprise or excitement, it's also-ran Kofi Kingston. "Godda luv Booger T," says JBL. Again, he is wrong.

Dolph Ziggler (w/AJ Lee & A Retard) vs Kofi Kingston

"This will be a very entertaining matchup," says Cole. Oh, well that's good. Could you let me know if someone is charismatic, too? Ziggler manages to take a monkey flip with a fucking 360. This motherfuucker is out of his mind. It's a short, TV-level match that Kofi has won before Big E. pulls Ziggler out of a pinning predicament, which the referee clearly sees and does nothing about. He must not be the disciplinarian that Charles Robinson is these days. Ziggler wins. Langston gets some revenge for getting knocked over by Kofi. This guy is hideous.


Divas Title: Tamina Snuka vs Kaitlyn (c)


WWE Championship: CM Punk (w/Paul Heyman) vs The Rock (c)

This was better than their Rumble match, but they still lacked cohesion. The styles just don't really gel, Rock is old and was always kinda goofy, and so on. Rock's efforts are genuine, but his being here doesn't really seem special this year, and I don't personally feel there's any great anticipation for the Rock-Cena rematch at Mania, but maybe that's just because we all know good and goddamn well that Cena wins this time, they shake hands, The Rock gets on the mic and goes "whoa whoa whoa stop the music, the Rock ........................ respects you." Then they both tap their hearts and embrace, and Cena gets his Marine memorabilia back from the wardrobe people, and Rock starts carrying around the Joe Don Baker stick from Walking Tall, and Karl Urban shows up to offer them both a role in his next movie, where they play twin assholes from very slightly different worlds, and CM Punk is stuck somewhere on the card, like when Austin had to work Scott Hall and Rock got Hogan at WrestleMania 18. Or, given the double referee takeout, "ooh Punk had it won" finish, maybe we'll get a grotesque three-way dance where Punk has to pinball for both of those doofuses, who also hare a common trait in that when they do their flexing, they're starting to look like 1986 Don Muraco.

I enjoyed this show! On to WrestleMania, away!

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