Thursday, December 20, 2012

Scott Watches TNA Final Resolution (December 9, 2012)

Was this seriously another stupid show built around the redemption of Jeff Hardy? Haven't we had enough of these and in too many companies now? He's always going to be a daredevil redneck who does whatever the fuck what he wants. And has the world really become so weak and scared, and rasslin so sterile and pussified, that we need to make sure nobody is on drugs? Do we really need these people to be the kind of people you'd send to cheer up troops and children of firemen?

I'm not saying we need to have none of those types in The Business n shit -- I'm just saying not everyone needs to be that guy. Jeff Hardy is a hillbilly creep who thinks he's some sort of an artist, and he is (some sort of one, anyway), and that's just fine. He's a weirdo. He's a looney. He's just who he is. That's his life. Fuck redemption.

Apparently, Tenay isn't the PBP man anymore, but he's still there.

James Storm comes out, says "up his butt," and the morons at the "Impact Zone" chant, "up his butt, up his butt," and Storm wants Bobby Roode, but he gets Frank Kazarian, who says "turds" when referring to the morons at the "Impact Zone," and actually cuts a decent promo on Storm's "cheap, dimestore Toby Keith routine." Then Storm's like "YER PRO-MO SUUX," and man, fuck, I want to like James Storm, but he occasionally makes it difficult.

James Storm vs Kazarian

Tenay says at one point, "You may not like (Kazarian and Christopher Daniels) personally, but damn, you have to respect what they can do in the ring." But, DAMN! You just sure do! Damn! I find Storm wrestling in a t-shirt worse than big fat guys wrestling without them. It's like chunky motherfucker swimming with their shirts on, like nobody's gonna notice they're fat. Storm wins clean with a superkick.

This is my first time seeing this new guy on the commentary team. I don't know his name yet, nor do I really care. Just know that his name is Todd something, and he's got a true modern wrestling goatee. That tells me he's manly, but not unruly.

X Division Championship: Kenny King vs Rob Van Dam (c)

All these years later and Rob Van Dam is still basically stuck in the same spot he was as ECW TV champion. "If you're going to compare experience," Tenay says, "it's not even close in these high-profile matches." It's not close in anything. Considering he just turned 42, RVD's athleticism is still fuckin crazy. He also still can't throw a decent punch and remains a slave to the old formulas that have dominated his career since the Jerry Lynn series. They do a RVD-Lynn bit and three people try to start, "This is awesome," but it doesn't work, because it wasn't, and for once the "Impact Zone" wasn't even having that. Not even these doofus buttholes. Van Dam is an odd example of rasslin comfort food; I've never really been a huge fan, but I've never disliked him, and sometimes he's awesome, and sometimes he's not, but I like that he's still around, particularly because he does everything the way he wants, as noted before a very important thing in what I want to see from rasslers. That's why Mr. Anderson will never be less than the world's worst wrestler to me, and why I have never been able to get into John Cena, even though Cena's had some great matches. RVD, Sabu, Jeff Hardy -- not the same guy, but all have done their things their way, and that's why I like them existing in the modern world of Anderson and Cena and Randy Orton and "The Miz." RVD retains his title clean, the match was frankly kind of terrible, but fuck it. I still think Kenny King is mediocre at best but people seem to think he's good for some reason.

Christopher Daniels, who is better than ever at 65 years young, talks to...someone. I wasn't really paying attention.

World Tag Team Championship: Joey Ryan & Matt Morgan vs Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez (c)

I feel like someone needs to tell everyone in the rasslin business that Matt Morgan is horrible. I've never much dug Joey Ryan, but those California indy "stars" rarely do much for me. There just aren't many of them I've ever liked much. Taz describes Chavo as a "Ferrari in that ring." Morgan-Hernandez is one of the all-time shittiest "here come the big guys" tag team staredowns I've ever seen. Matt Morgan is red. The man isn't tan. He isn't even orange. He's  red. His contribution is a power showdown with Hernandez that ends with him blatantly calling the discus clothesline that leads to him tagging in Ryan, so that Hernandez, who can't look stronger than Morgan, can look strong holding Ryan up in a suplex for a while. The Mexicans take over on Ryan until Morgan palms Chavo and throws him into the turnbuckle. OK, well, that was cool. Eventually heat on Chavo leads to him having a pin on Ryan, all the while Morgan never falls over, and breaks up a pin for the DQ. Boy that Matt Morgan is tall.

Jeremy Borash says "backstage" about 30 times. Then he talks to Austin Aries. Video package for Aries-Bully Ray is effective enough in making me want to see the match. Plus they're both good.

Austin Aries vs Bully Ray

It's a good match, pretty hard-hitting, plenty of passion, and then Bully Ray bleeds, so Brooke Hogan runs in. Brooke is billed at 102 pounds, according to Wikipedia. I'm not calling her fat at all. But 102 pounds? 102??? Anyway Brooke is in trouble via Aries, but Bully Ray breaks that up, and Hulk Hogan starts wobbling toward the ring. Hulk listens to Bully Ray when he says they need to get her out of here. Hogan's shitty Hollywood acting is actually effective here, since it's better than most people can do. Aries hits Bully in the nuts and that's it. Kind of a sorry ass finish.


Knockouts Championship: Mickie James vs Tara (c)

Considering these two should have chemistry, they don't. Tara retains. This show is not good so far.

This is seriously who Kurt Angle has backing his play against a gang of dangerous thugs? Eric Bischoff's kid and some rookie who will clearly turn on him sometime within the next two months? Oh, and Samoa Joe. Well that's good.

Kurt Angle, Samoa Joe, Garett Bischoff & Wes Brisco vs Aces & Eights

Eight man tag matches are generally good only if they're a main event with a hot crowd and a bunch of stars, not really so much with "two" second-generation greenhorns, and the other side with two masked, unnamed biker gang prospects, and, you know, D-Von Dudley as the big star. This isn't really bad; Samoa Joe does a good job carrying the action, and Devon and DOC are fine enough. Actually, I've come to quite enjoy Devon as a singles wrestler, against big odds. Bully Ray has really taken off, but Devon is a lot better than I expected, and this shit feels like something that's doing his career some good. Bischoff and Brisco are useless, mostly, including a spot where they try to figure out how to have Wes whip Garett into a foe in the opposite corner, but they play plucky youngsters OK. Angle kind of gets the night off, overall, and just has to look good on offense, which he does. Babyfaces win and nobody turns, but Bischoff getting the hammer from DOC and then sort of staring at him for a moment made me wonder if he might turn eventually. Either that or he went deer in the headlights for a moment. But do remember that Hog Wild was his daddy's pet project. Motorcycles yaaaayyy

Why the fuck, in a big match like this, would you take two prospects instead of patched members? Are there only two patched members of Aces & Eights in TNA?

One Final Time: AJ Styles vs Christopher Daniels

It didn't hit me until their Destination X match just how great a feud these two really have had. I should explain that. See, when these guys started really taking off, I was coming to the absolute end of my intense, watch-every-show wrestling fandom. I haven't been a truly regular viewer in about six years now. I generally keep up with what's going on, but I watch Raw live maybe eight times a year, and I watch Impact live maybe five, and I watch a handful of PPVs live, and I haven't seen a full ROH show in two or three years now. So I'm sure to a lot of people, the greater significance of the Styles-Daniels rivalry, spanning all their promotions and matches and all this, is quite obvious, but it sort of snuck up on me this year.

This isn't as good as the Destination X war, but it's pretty fucking good, and the commentators do a fantastic job getting over how important this match is for both guys, on a personal and professional level, how much this means to them, how much it will always mean to them, and for the first time in a long time, a rasslin rivalry started feeling real to me -- not real, you know, but like something that both sides cared about, that the commentators cared about, that I should care about. I don't care if anyone else cares about it that much, really, but Daniels and Styles have great chemistry, have had some awful storylines they've managed to make entertaining through that chemistry and their own willpower, and the way this match played out and ended was perfect. The hero loses clean, because he just took too big a risk. And he loses to his own finishing move. Post-match, Taz and Tenay and the other guy continue to put it over. Actually, this new guy (I really need to learn his name) is the perfect balance between Taz and Tenay tonight. Most of this show ain't good, but the commentary is much less grating than usual.

World Heavyweight Championship: Jeff Hardy (c) vs Bobby Roode

There are a few guys in today's The Wrestling Business who have been "new to me" so to speak during my years as a non-regular viewer, who I think are totally legit. Dolph Ziggler, Alberto Del Rio, and Bobby Roode stick out in a big way. Roode is a fine specimen of a professional rassler, but even he can't really make Jeff Hardy more than the nonsensical blob of entertaining Jell-o that he always really has been. So what you get here is an OK match, and then Hardy wins when Roode is yelling at Aces & Eights for not helping him win and instead just standing around.

So after the match he gets in their faces and they beat his ass after beating Hardy's ass, and it ends on a triumphant group: Devon, DOC, and some guys we don't know, including a third fat patched in member which was maybe D'Lo Brown. It SHOULD be.

THUMBS DOWN, pretty much, since the show wasn't very good overall.

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