Thursday, December 20, 2012

Scott Watches CZW Night of Infamy (November 10, 2012)

We start with a tribute to the late Brain Damage, a guy I saw a bit of in IWA Mid-South. After that, CZW owner DJ Hyde arrives in a suit, to say fuck and stuff, and something named Matt Tremont has bought a ticket and had someone hold a small sign that says YOUR A DOUCHEBAG. "Faggot," "cunt" -- I haven't watched CZW in years, but it's clearly meant for the same social retards and maladjusted man-children it always has been, so it's nice to know that something stays consistent in this crazy old world. A bunch of dumbos all run into the ring and we've got battle lines drawn and shit. DJ Hyde is a regular Vince Mackman. Someone name of Greg Excellent talks like Bubba Ray Dudley really talks. MOTHERFUCKER FUCK GODDAMN FUCK MOTHERFUCKER MOTHERFUCKER CUNT

This is actually a really good promo from Hyde and Excellent without the overkill cursing. The points being made are solid, the guys can work a mic, and they just bury it in cartoonish vulgarity that gets nobody anywhere -- you can get intensity across and even say fuck, but it doesn't need to be every fourth word. You lose all impact that way.

Point in the end winds up that Hyde backs down when the locker room walks out, and Tremont is reinstated for a tag match, but his partner can't be anyone from the rosters of CZW, ROH, or DragonGate. That's neat. I hope it's some old ECW guy.

Latin Dragon vs Dustin Rayz vs Pepper Parks (w/Cherry Bomb)

One thing I like about CZW is that it's a time capsule world where 1999 never really ended. This is very much a '99-'02 indy match, influenced by the fast-paced action of the WCW cruiserweight division and the guys slightly bigger than that, mixed with a little of the 1997-99 ECW vibe, and that early ROH/northeast indy shit, and it's like nostalgia that I haven't already seen. Pepper Parks has probably lifted the most weights, while Latin Dragon is likely third in that race. Rayz has tights with one leg. Cherry Bomb is a woman with whom I'd definitely like to have sex, which is something that needs to be noted. Parks pins Dragon after some Natural Born Thrillers finisher.

Kimber Lee (w/Gulak Campaign) vs Greg Excellent

Ah, good, man-woman rasslin. Greg Excellent is not a gentleman, I already know that. Greg Excellent enters to Rick Astley, which is hilarious in 2009 or so, so that's about right on target for CZW. Greg Excellent's gimmick is he is fat, and I think he is also a pervert. I don't know if this man is likable. Forearms and punches and kicks from the woman, who cannot hurt the fat sex pervert, so he chops her in the tits and everyone's like, YEAH BITCH TAKE THAT SHIT, because none of the attendees have ever had a healthy relationship with any woman, so this is hilarious to everyone. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to care about anything here besides Kimber Lee's phat ass. I am also a fat sex pervert, I guess. The lady wins.

Ultraviolent Rules: Alex Colon vs Danny Havoc

One of them is bloodied in about 12 seconds, I don't even remember which was which at first. It's Colon, I discover after a few moments. Blood and chairs and tacks and barbed wire on chairs and your usual, but they're not bad otherwise, either. JR says that if you go to an indy show and guys are bleeding all over then it's irresponsible what with HIV and hepatitis and shit. Maybe he's right. I don't know. I bet CZW is on the cutting edge of blood tests. I like the use of salt -- that's just mean. Pretty sick inverted superplex through a barbed wire board but that doesn't end it and then I start to think, well, this is where this shit always loses me. And then the bell rings when the referee stops it and declares Danny Havoc the winner. Then Colon suffocates Havoc with a plastic bag. That's mad ultraviolent. Now everyone is all concerned. Some other guys get involved. Something about Four Loko and the "Nation of Intoxication." Dumb. So dumb.

OH SHIT then Toby Klein runs in. I met that dude when I was 17 and he had all his teeth and pretty pretty blonde hairs. He was some sort of a "cruiserweight." But he gets overwhelmed in short order, and there's music playing, and now BLKOUT are here, and then we get a cut to a promo with BLKOUT and Toby Klein. This Scott Storch lookin cat is pretty great. Scott Storch guy challenges Klein to get a tag partner or something. So Klein leaves the ring and goes back toward the entrance, and then Human Tornado comes out, and nobody really seems to care, and Tornado dances at some enormous fat white woman, and wrestling is the best. Ringside white woman is totally disinterested in Tornado's presence, but she plays nice.

Azrieal & Bandido Jr vs Toby Klein & Human Tornado vs BLKOUT

Tornado starts the match texting and shit, so he mostly just slaps people. Fuck triple threat matches. Commentator says BLKOUT are "big" and "mean." Mean, perhaps, but big? No dice. Human Tornado's "look I'm on my cell phone" bit isn't going over like he probably thought it would.

This match fucking sucks. Random shit happens here and there and then Tornado is like :) lol and then the other BLKOUT guys get involved, and then Azrieal and Bandido Jr retain the titles via sneakthievery and cunning. Who's the short broad after the match with the champion dudes?

Ron Mathis & Joe Gacy vs Matt Tremont & ???

Tremont gets his ass beaten in 2-on-1 style before New Jack comes in as his partner. Well, that works for me. New Jack, clad in a Boomer Esiason Bengals jersey, doesn't have quite the array of weaponry he did in his prime, but he's old and shit so he doesn't have to do much. Let the song play and poke motherfuckers with stuff.

It's all in good fun, and Tremont's part of that latter generation of indy death match guys who can actually pull some shit off and isn't Mad Man Pondo or Ian Rotten, though of course Ian's "chain wrestling" was "so good." Anyway, Jack leaves with one of them, and Tremont beats the other. Then DJ Hyde comes in and throws Tremont through a pane of glass. The video spends the next hour or so on gratuitous close-ups of Tremont's mutilated body, which takes this from even the questionable enjoyment of death matches into nothing more than violence porn.

Sami Callihan comes out with some other people and has a major announcement. His announcement is he'll be "taking a shit" in the ring. HAHAHAHAHA. Anyway then some other goober comes out, name of Adam Cole. Cole makes the point that it's pretty pathetic that Sami Callihan's big deal tonight is joking about shitting in the ring. Callihan misses the point, continues on with his lame joke, and Cole stays pretty stone-faced about it. "Sami, you're very, very funny." He wants to get "completely real." Callihan talks about Cole having things handed to him, like wins, and then we get this stupid fake-shoot shit. "Shoot!" He even says it. Jesus Christ. Anyway, Callihan winds up with a great suicide dive and it becomes fun, but frankly I see Adam Cole's point here.

Lucky Thurteen vs Shane Strickland vs Rich Swann vs AR Fox

Somewhere in the last 5-to-7 years or so, we stopped having so many gangsta black guy gimmicks and a lot more blerds, with or without "swag." Life changes, man. This match is super athletic and the referee gets involved with a dive to the floor, which normally would annoy me, but I'm balls deep into a CZW show right now, so what am I going to ask for? Action that makes sense? Shit, son. Not even. Lucky Thurteen has a habit of looking like he's about to kill himself, but then he doesn't. Fox retains his excitement division belt or whatever.

Dark City Fight Club vs. The Briscoe Brothers OI4K vs The Briscoe Brothers

I haven't seen the Briscoes in a while; Mark Briscoe as some kind of Rick Steiner redneck martial artist is pretty awesome. OI4K is an awful name for a tag team but I guess it's no worse than Rated RKO or Team Hell No or Beer Money.

The match is alright, but never really kicks off for me. I've never totally taken to the Briscoes and OI4K don't do much for me here, but they win because they're the future of tag team wrestling in CZW. This company has a lot of guys with bad 1999 facial hair. And bad 1999 tattoos. The further I get into this show, my total disconnect from the product makes it hard for me to find shit to say about it.

Masada vs Davey Richards

Richards identifies himself as "the only real wrestler in the building." I still like Davey Richards because he is a good professional wrestler and can't nobody tell me different. Richards gets the upperhand early and he's like, yeah, see, I told you, because he's all arrogant, and he doesn't think this heavy metal Japanophile redneck from Texas can hang with him. These men have different philosophies on the best way to kick ass, but they both like kicking ass. I always think it's a shame when men who share interests can't find their common ground and develop some tag team continuity. Masada wins and retains his CZW title via submission. It was a fun match. After the match, Richards says he still doesn't like CZW or hardcore wrestling, but he takes a knee, extends his hand, and kisses Masada's ass (not literally). Then he just leaves. Class act.


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