Monday, October 29, 2012

Scott Watches WCW Worldwide (May 28, 1994)

This week: Johnny B. Badd! The US champ Stunning Steve! Stars n' Stripes! The Marquess of Queensberry Cup final!

Johnny B. Badd vs Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker

Johnny gives the Kiss That Don't Miss to some fat lady at ringside, though not the fattest lady at ringside, and Jesse gets a few good jokes out of that. Johnny B. is doing his usual shtick, then gets an advantage on Parker where he might could butt-fuck him, and makes this face, but he doesn't butt-fuck him, and no one even really thinks about it. Jesse goes back to fat girl jokes. "Jesse, that's someone's mother you're talking about." "How do you know? It's not your mom, is it?" DROPKICK! ARMDRAG! And a wristlock. This Johnny B. Badd crap doesn't end soon enough for me. I just don't enjoy watching him wrestle. I don't really know why -- at this point, he's competent, he's quicker-paced than most guys, he's OK, but he bores the fuck out of me, always did, always will. This has too many fucking holds for a goddamn Worldwide squash opener. Parker isn't doing anything, it's just Badd with a bunch of wristlocks and shit. So Parker eventually gets a hold on, and Badd uses one of his three moves to get out of it, but runs into a clothesline. Suddenly, Badd is very tired and beaten up. You know what, fuck it, he's not competent, he's awful. The guy is awful. Real athlete, but awful. And there's Badd's stupid punch, and people chant, "Whoomp there it is!" and he hits his finishing maneuver: The flying sunset flip. Fuck off, Johnny.

"I tell you what. I've been to a lot of countries. I've been to Japan, I've been to the UK, I've been to, uh, everywhere except Australia. And that's one place that I would really like to go someday. But the facts are, my job's not done here in the United States of America. And sooner or later, we're gonna have to leave the United States of America and go to wherever, and Bunkhouse Buck is gonna be one of those international flights. As you know, Bunkhouse Buck and me, we go back a ways. There's a lot of blood that's been spilled over the past, uh, several months. But this, I'm gonna put a stop to it. The plain and simple fact of the matter is, Col. Parker has brought Stunning Steve Austin in to get rid of The Natural Dustin Rhodes, it didn't happen. Then he brought Bunkhouse Buck in to get rid of The Natural Dustin Rhodes, it didn't happen. Col. Parker is terrified and jealous at the same time, he is scared to death that I want, that I am going to take Stunning Steve Austin's United States heavyweight title back. He's scared to death. So he's got everybody. He's got everybody that he can find to take out The Natural Dustin Rhodes. Which is fine and simple with me. Because we get on that flight, you get on that flight, Buck, I'm gonna be on the next one right behind you, right over there, and if you think for one second that I'm gonna let you go untouched when we get over there, wherever it may be, you got another thing comin', because I'm comin' with full guns."

Stunning Steve Austin (w/Col. Parker) vs Bobby Dee

Austin manhandles Bobby Dee and tells the camera that the world titleholders are ducking him because they're scared. It's very Margarito circa 2006. Hollywood and Vine finishes off poor Bobby Dee in short order. I guess growing up in the Bronx didn't help him much.

Stars n' Stripes vs Chris Sullivan & Dick Slater

Ugh, another Bagwell team. "Yeah! Stars n' Stripes! Yeah! Woo!" I fucking hate you, Marcus. Here's Dick Slater, once a top star, serving as Worldwide enhancement talent after a while out of the spotlight. I think the last time we saw him on the Mission was Clash of the Champions VIII, in 1989, when he replaced Terry Funk in the main event. Slater was only 43 at this point, not some washed-up old man, really, though if you're 16 or a stupid 25, I'm sure that sounds old as fuck to you, because you don't know anything about rasslin and you're constantly worried about new talent being elevated every single week of every single year. Slater gets in and does some work on Bagwell, which amuses me. Once Chris Sullivan is back in, it's curtains for his team, as Patriot hits the Uncle Slam, covers, Slater hits him in the back of the head, nobody stops counting, and Patriot ignores him. Then Slater doesn't want to take any shots from Patriot. Slater was hilarious here. He doesn't give a fuck.

Chris Cruise is with Ricky Steamboat. Guess what? He's boring as fuck and talks about traveling around the world in a very dry fashion.

Marquess of Queensberry Cup Final: Ric Flair vs Lord Steven Regal

The match is really good, as pretty much all of this thing was. Regal and Flair had some real chemistry so it's nice they got to do this, since Regal wouldn't have been able to work with Flair much if they hadn't done it. Ventura believes Regal has it won. Tony isn't so sure. "It's up to the judges. So the judges go to hand in their scores. They score it a draw; Ventura is outraged. Nick Patrick orders five more minutes. Ventura goes all Teddy Atlas: "This is an atrocity, Schiavone! You're telling me Regal lost that?" Flair takes the advantage. "This is absurd!" Ventura's great in his outrage. Schiavone says "Hulk Hogan" out loud. It's coming. No more hiding. It's going to happen so soon. Flair eventually wins with a backslide, but Ventura is right. Regal was robbed in the first place. Total bunk. Arn Anderson comes out to congratulate Flair. People cheer.

"Let me take this opportunity to thank all these fans for cheering tonight. But the bottom line is, cheer because you believe in it, not 'cause you need to, guys. When Ric Flair's up at the plate, you cheer because it's pure solid gold belief. As Steamboat found out, Regal found out, and now, ya know what? I hear the rumor the immortal one is comin' in to find out. Well Hulk Hogan, this goes out to you, brother. And it goes out to you, too, if you don't like what I'm about to say. Hogan, this is WCW, pal. And in my terms, that means the big time. And if you got it, don't whisper it, don't tell it to your son, don't talk about it at night with your wife. Bring it down to Ted Turner, to WCW, and bring it to Ric Flair, 'cause baby, whether you like it or don't like it, you, big man, will have to learn to love it."

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