Monday, July 23, 2012

WWE Raw 1000 - July 23, 2012

  • The four-minute video intro was cool. New set is nice. Vince says Monday Night Rawwwww
  • Rev. Slick is your man at the wedding. He's still got it on the mic. Backstage earlier, we saw the American Dag-ron with some guys in white suits, so I'm waiting for the looney bin to take teenage AJ away. He says yes. She says yes. Then DA MOOD IS ABOUT TA CHANGE BRUDDA. She wasn't saying yes to him - she was saying yes to someone else. Then Vince comes out. Not to marry her. To name her the new GM of Raw. Ugh. Man. I don't know about all that. This gets up here for Slick, who bails after Vince comes out.
  • Daniel Bryan freaks out after wedding FAILS! EPIC! WINNING! FAIL! and then CM Punk makes fun of him. So then The Rock comes out and says some stuff, and reveals that he gets the title shot at ... Royal Rumble. Daniel Bryan is awesome during this segment. Bryan gets a Rock Bottom after several shitty Rock jokes, and CM Punk stands unimpressed by ET the Tooth Fairy.
  • Miz wins intercontinental title in decent match with Christian.
  • The HHH/Heyman promo is pretty good, and Stephanie gets involved and forces Heyman to accept the match, then beats up Heyman, then HHH beats up Lesnar when he runs in. Then they have a pose-down. I'm not going to explain exact reasons this goes here, but it does.
  • Heath Slater challenges a legend to a no-DQ match. He gets Lita, who makes me feel funny in my pants. APA join her, Heath leaves, all the "legends" come out as Road Warriors, and Lita wins the match. Clothesline From Hell! This was great. Lita should be in every segment. Just somewhere in the corner.
  • Punk's heel turn at the end was officially announced by Lawler, which was lame in a way, but it was effective. The Rock's hilarious acting lessons selling aside, it went well.

    • DX are out. It's just Shawn and HHH. They do a weak comedy skit where Shawn looks every bit the old fart that Ricky Morton does when you see him on an indy show in 2012. Then they bring out Road Dogg, X-Pac and Billy Gunn. The whole thing is really, really awful, in part because none of these guys can act or cut a promo, and in part because they're all old and out of shape and trying to be rebellious, but they can't say "ass" and they got introduced by Vince. It's Wal-Mart organic food calling these guys rebels. Damien Sandow interrupts and they beat him up. In the end it's sort of like The Oddities meet The Spirit Squad. Shawn Michaels' attempts at comedy are tragic. Awful segment. The good news is that X-Pac is fat, which he should be if he's l-i-v-i-n.
    • Sheamus & Rey & Sin Cara vs Jericho & Ziggler & Alberto didn't have much to it, really. There's not a lot more to say about it. Chances are matches tonight are just going to be filler besides main event.
    • Backstage, AJ and Layla talk, but it's just to set up cameos for Jim Duggan, Roddy Piper (hopefully that was it for him tonight) and Mae Young with her son, a grown man in a fabric hand. The latter part might have been kind of funny without the WWE's patented Fake Commentator Laughs.
    • An incredibly made-up Sonic waitress brings Jerry Lawler a drink. Motherbeep.
    • Brodus Clay comes out to squash Jack Swagger. And does in about 20 seconds. Before the "match," Dude Love wobbles out to no reaction. After the match, they dance to no reaction, and Swagger gets the Love Handle to no reaction.
    • Oh, that's Trish Stratus plugging her stupid yoga. If you're gonna give me yoga, give me DDP. They re-enact the Trish/HHH and Stephanie walks in deal but with Trish in the dick-thrusting position and DX interrupting. Shawn's really going for it tonight as he attempts to be the world's worst comedic actor. After everyone else leaves, X-Pac makes Trish super uncomfortable.
    • Santino and Hornswoggle pass out dolls.
    • Kane comes out and WWE runs the 346th "we get no respect" angle for a group of bums. So Undertaker comes out and I assume the jobbers all got killed while I made popcorn.
    • Punk vs Cena should have felt special. It did not. Add in a lame ass Big Show DQ and it was even worse.
    • Let's just say everything involving that talentless dickhole Charlie Sheen goes here.

    This was an interesting show - I mean, not really for me, but it was historical n shit, and I guess that's good enough for most people. This had enough that I enjoyed, mostly centered around Lita, but I can't help but point out even on a week where they should have felt free to go all-out for a great show, that the three hours felt exceptionally long, just as it did with Nitro. I was 16 years old and an insane rasslin idiot in 1998 when Nitro went to three hours, and even THEN that felt long to me, a big part of which is how many terrible fucking commercials you have to endure.

    The finish to the show was great, though. That felt important and "big."

    Sometimes I wonder who this is really being marketed to, or I guess what I wonder is if they really have a strategy they properly employ. TV-PG indicates it's for kids, but they spend a lot of time trying to appeal to guys like me. Well, we're apparently not the major audience anymore, because most of these "legends" barely get a reaction when they're trotted out there. All you get is "KING! HAHA! REMEMBER THIS?" and Lawler goes "REMEMBER IT!?" and then the audience sits on their hands or stands silently. Dude Love couldn't even get a reaction.

    I'm really not sure they're executing any kind of plan effectively at all. It's kind of a hodgepodge of kid-friendly wrestling, skits for 13 year olds who go to church, and random attempts to make someone my age keep watching, but in a very safe way. I mean, I watch, but I'm kinda dumb.


    1. You should Tout that, then Tweet it, then maybe Skype while drinking a Sonic drink and playing with your Raw Buddy. Did you know that you can use Shazam to look up what entrance song is playing right now? Maybe try it while playing the new WWE video game?

      Here comes Bret Hart! He was one of the architects of the Attitude Era! Look! DX! They defined the Attitude Era! The Rock! Nobody had more Attitude in the Attitude Era!