Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Scott Watches WWF Wrestling Challenge (May 23, 1993)

Hi again! Brent did a Raw, so here's a Wrestling Challenge. Jerry Lawler opens things up by addressing the peons, letting us know that we'll have the honor of witnessing the greatest interview segment ever: The King's Court. Nobody sounds very excited and Jerry is not happy.

Hello ladies and gentlemen, it's Jim Ross along with Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. What's all this about The King's Court?!?!?! Heenan knows what's all this about. Sally Jesse Letterman. Maury Poobabotch. This past Monday Night Raw, Marty Jannetty won the Intercontinental title and The Kid beat Razor Ramon. It was at that point the best Raw ever and by a mile and a half. BUT TODAY ON WRESTLING CHALLENGE WE'VE GOT SOME SWEET ACTION! YEAH!

Yokozuna vs Scott Taylor

If you're a total idiot, I'll be the one to let you know that it is indeed that Scott Taylor, the one who became Scotty 2 Hotty and had one of the most unlikely relevant runs of any WWF Superstar I can really recall, all through hard work, dedication, and an ability to do the Worm. All in all he's pretty happy to be here for a guy who's about to get squished by the ever-increasing waistline of Yokozuna, which at this point was already getting well out of control and would only get worse, sad as it is, but the thing about Yokozuna is that he fucking ruled. I still consider him the best Big Fat Heel in WWF history.

There's a lot of fish cakes and rice in Yokozuna, says Heenan. Enormous backdrop from Taylor -- haha, no from Yokozuna, I was just joking. I like to cut up when I'm talking to my friends and I like to think our readers are friends. Belly-to-belly from Taylor. LOL! I did it again. Legdrop from Yokozuna. "That patented Hulk Hogan-like legdrop." It's being similar? Chop, chop, one-hand Irish whip, ass avalanche, chop, Banzai drop. When I was a kid I always wondered how he sat on these motherfuckers so long. I like the build-up to Yoko-Hogan II, since even the babyface commentators can't help but shadow that this time it'll be fair and Hogan's probably toast.

Time for Face to Face with the NY crap. Hey, I want to see the Steiners vs Yokozuna & Bam Bam Bigelow. Undertaker/Paul Bearer promo. Apparently the Undertaker lives in a dungeon. I thought he lived in a funeral home?

The Smoking Gunns vs Mike Bell & Tony DeVito

The Gunns debuted on Raw, but here they will debut again. In wrestling you can debut a lot. Tony Devito wound up in ECW and Ring of Honor without ever getting good, but he was pretty fun to watch knocking the shit out of the Ring Crew Express. Mike Bell is best-known for his 2001 match with Perry Saturn where he messed up a couple moves and Saturn was an asshole about it and has now spent years spinning some nonsense story about having his bell rung or the like, which it doesn't seem very many people buy. Gunns shoot off their stupid pistols and then unveil their cowboy mullets. Drunk mom tits got hard because of their undressed appearances. Heenan scoffs about Billy getting a rodeo scholarship at Sam Houston State. Bell takes a quick beating and tags out to DeVito. The Smoking Gunns weren't exactly a great tag team, but my God are they ever more of a tag team than anyone in the last 10 years at the very least. The Gunns were better than the New Age Outlaws. Backdrop into a piledriver and the Gunns win.

And now it's time for The King's Court for the first time ever. And our first ever guest is Giant Gonzalez, but more accurately the first ever guest is Harvey Whippleman standing by the big goober. Poor Jim Ross finds himself having to try and sell this guy again. This is a pretty awful interview, as it's mostly Lawler talking and saying, "I bet you think this, don't you," and then Whippleman is like, "Fuckin yeah I do."

Tatanka vs Someone

A commercial about a dog contest at Central Park runs long and the jobber isn't announced on TV. The jobber does mock Indians real quick and that pisses Tatanka off. Tatanka with some nice knife-edge chops and a back suplex, and then the jobber lays in some axhandle smashes and Tatanka Indians up drops him with a chopping forearm to the head, a chop, another chop, a different kind of chop. Jesus Christ just end this. Fallaway slam. I did not care for this particular squash.

Here comes a WWF Magazine Special Report, brought to you by the WWF Merchandise Catalog. Lord Alfred Hayes discusses what went down on Raw and has gone to his ultimately rather odd and kind of awesome heel role. This is a serious line he says: "The entire world was rocked back on its heels at last Monday night's Raw when Shawn Michaels, one of the greatest of all champions, lost his Intercontinental title to a man of infinitely less talent, Marty Jannetty." Hayes also dumps on The Kid, and goes on about "the handsome Latin" Razor Ra-mon.

After a break, a special look at Randy Savage speaking to kids, wearing his whole damn outfit. I was just thinking about the Macho Man again earlier. And it still, still bothers me to think that we live in a world where the Macho Man isn't out there doing shit. "Never, ever, ever quit. DIG IT!" The piano music over this was terrible.

Promotional consideration by Tatanka on Vince's roid powder, GI Joe, and their own action figures.

The Narcissist Lex Luger vs Tim McNeery (that's as close as I can guess)

Luger flat-out could not pull off the Narcissist character. It came off so forced. He couldn't carry the American hero character either. He was best off just being Lex Luger, a standard heel with an impressive physique. Ross is excited for the first round KOTR matchup between Luger and Tatanka. Armdrag takedown by Tim McNeery. Heenan warns Luger not to take his eye off the prize, as The Kid's upset of Razor Ramon has the world on edge, not to mention the infinitely less talented Marty Jannetty beating Shawn Michaels. McNeery with another armdrag, then a dropkick, and now Luger blocks a hiptoss and throws one of his patented shit lariats. It's amazing to me that Luger ever was as good as he was in 1989 when I watch him at other points. There's the forearm shot and the crowd doesn't really care. Flexing pin and it's over.

Hogan's promo from last week was weird and this week's is just stupid as he sort of heartlessly rolls on yammering about tying Yokozuna to his motorcycle and dragging him around Dayton, Ohio, and Tokyo, and "the hierarchy, the Eiffel Tower in the WWF," and you realize that Hogan was so beyond checked out at this point that it's incredible. He did not give a fuck. It's hard to get Hulk Hogan to sound like he doesn't care. Fuck, he pretends to care in TNA today, which is remarkable. But he's phoning all of this in so bad. It's great.

Added to King of the Ring: Steiner Brothers & Smoking Gunns vs Money Inc & Headshrinkers!

King of the Ring Qualifier: Kamala vs Mr. Hughes

Kamala does not have Slick with him, even though Slick spoke for him last week in a promo for this match. Mr. Hughes has Harvey Whippleman now. I am certain this will be just a phenomenal match. "Mr. Hughes not wasting any time." That's debatable. I honestly do love Kamala -- he's totally unique and depending on what he's doing, he can be either a crazy savage nutjob or a totally sympathetic guy because right now it's just like, "Aw, damn, poor Kamala needs a manager. He doesn't know what he's doing on his own." And you feel bad for him because he's so stupid he can't get along without someone guiding him. But there's a kick and a big splash, and Kamala can't figure out to turn Hughes over for the pin. Kim Chee runs out and distracts Kamala, who chases him around and slams him in the aisle and splashes him. Kamala gets counted out. Man Mr. Hughes looks great thanks to this.

Face to Face crap. Razor Ramon promos are so hilarious. Cool accent, chico. Mang.

Promotional Consideration Paid For By the Following:

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