Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Scott Watches WWF Wrestling Challenge (May 16, 1993)
Hi there. I'm Scott, not Brent. Brent is watching this WWF nonsense, and I am watching that WCW nonsense, and he's about a year behind me (go figure, right?), but I needed a little change of pace so I am interjecting myself into his bullshit cartoon world for some episodes of Wrestling Challenge between his episodes of Raw. I am going to have fun. :) Just mark out motherfucker. :)
Jim Ross and Bobby Heenan are here. Heenan is obviously happier in the WWF than he ever was in WCW, where the guys there didn't have any real clue how to work with him and bring the best out of him. JR knows how to do it.
Ramon gives future referee Jack Doan the business about not losing his gold, mang. Then Sean Dakota is being smacked and chopped in the chest, and thrown by his hair, and Razor Ramon is just not into wasting his team on young Mr. Dakota here. Stomp to the back of the head, rocking Dakota's head around. Up to the top and there's a back superplex right on the dome. Sean Dakota is dying with aplomb. Razor's Edge ends it. Pure, pure, pure, true squash.
Let us take a special look at a music video featuring Hacksaw Jim Duggan called "USA." Like Razor, he is in the King of the Ring on June 13.
HACK-HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN
I got my two by four. BE-BEAT PEOPLE UP.
I want to get a functioning Handy Boy by STD.
The Nasty Boys are good guys for the moment and feuding with The Headshrinkers. Barry Horowitz has little hands all over his ass and is just being Barry Horowitz all over this thing. Horowitz is another guy whose book I would like to read. He's probably got a lot more to say that's interesting than Mick Foley does writing any more books. (Not that I don't like Foley's books.)
Horowitz gets pit stopped, and Vega is tagged after that devastating maneuver, so Knobbs pounds his head into the mat a little bit and tags Sags. Double...punch? Forearms, says Ross. God I miss Jim Ross. Pumphandle slam from Sags on Vega, and then Vega gets a pit stop. Big ol' splash in the corner from Knobbs. Man the more I think about them, the more I think the Nastys are honestly pretty underrated overall. They were a good tag team, plenty enjoyable to watch most of the time, didn't stink it out much, knew how to brawl.
It's time for Face to Face with Mean Gene Okerlund. Stuff about NY events. blah blah blah. On June 12 (night before KOTR) at MSG, Shawn Michaels will face Razor Ramon in a heel-heel match that blows Gene's mind. Mr. Perfect will face Lex Luger, and he's joined by Bret Hart for an interview. Hart will face Bob Backlund. Hart is happy to face Bob Backlund, who won't break the rules. Hart's promo is godawful bad. The more I think about him, the more I think Bret is honestly pretty overrated overall. He's no Nasty Boys.
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THIS UNIBROWED FUGGO SON OF A BITCH
SWEET HAIR, ASSHOLE
Dan Farren is as dopey a poor son of a bitch as I have ever seen. Mr. Hughes scowls and walks around and drops what is alleged to be an elbow drop. I've seen better elbow drops by 8 year old backyarders. Dan Farren is a man who could greatly have benefited from chest hair. Hughes walking around dressed like fucking IRS and no one goes "hey why's this guy in a fucking suit?" He just is. Mr. Fuji will make Mr. Hughes a lot of yen if he signs with Mr. Fuji. Hughes with some kind of move the camera misses as Heenan goes on about how the Japs have "nothing but money" and own half of New York. SPINE ON THE PINE! Dan Farren bumped around like hell here. That should be mentioned. How many times is Dan Farren going to be talked about in the internet?
Tatanka for that steroid powder Vince loved. Macho Man for Slim Jim. CHEEIPS? AHH! GI Joe has a new weapon against Cobra. A lady is in a rush so she needs to get a salad at Wendy's. Back from commercials and here's a King of the Ring plug with some comments from two men who will meet in round one: Bam Bam Bigelow vs Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Bret Hart talks on Razor Ramon. Hart's promos are so fucking bad. "You'll be soary that you ever won a match to get into the ring with me." Fuck you, Bert Hart. (Yeah. Bert.)
More crap about King of the Ring, and now we're with skinny Hulk Hogan who's having problems now that he's not quite so gassed up as he used to be and he's shooting Thunder in Paradise. Hogan apparently took a shower with his motorcycle. Then a lightning bolt hit him. Then he ran to the ocean. Then he picked up a palm tree and a hippy and asked God him something about King of the Ring. "500 pounds of stench, wart-infested Japanese." Fuckin awesome, really.
Here's that thing with that little girl who writes a poem (?) about doing drugs and going to her own funeral (while dead). IT AWLL STARTED WITH PEER PRESSURE. There's no hope with dope. Undertaker agrees. In another commercial, a kid blows himself up with gasoline. The 90s were out of control.
These two went to a time limit draw a few weeks ago. Ahahaha, Doink squirts a little kid in the face with a flower and the kid doesn't know what the fuck hit him. This angers Mr. Perfect, so he goes out to retrieve Doink and get this match started.
"I don't like this clown at all," says Ross. "That little boy was almost ready to cry!" Ross is really pissed about that. Perfect with an Indian deathlock, Doink out with a rake of the eye and then he grabs a sleeper. Doink takes over and this match is fantastic. Perfect is awesome hitting the canvas as they trade punches, then struggling back to his feet and winning a longer exchange. Bell rings and Perfect hits the perfectplex but this match has already ended. Time limit expired again.What a shame. Perfect wants five more minutes. Doink runs away.
CLIFFHANGER MOTHERFUCKER YEAH. Also the Smoking Gunns are coming. They shoot gunns at whatever.
A drunk mom is excited about El Matador. Santana gives Riggins some time, establishing Reno as better than your average bum, and establishing Santana as a goober. I never have really understood Tito Santana. Flying jalapena ends things and another mom is EVEN MORE EXCITED but she's not as hot as the mom from earlier.
Back to Face to Face. More crap about New York. Fuck New York! But thanks to this dude in New York who taped all this crap and kept it forever. Money Inc. offer to bribe Sgt. Slaughter. Harvey Whippleman speaks for Giant Gonzalez, who will face Macho Man Randy Savage at the Meadowlands. Okerlund asks Whippleman why he's picking on him. "'Cause you're an idiot, and I hate you." Well. That's an answer.
Promotional Consideration Paid for by the Following:
Next Week! The debut of the Smoking Gunns! Yokozuna! Tatanka! Lex Luger! Kamala vs Mr. Hughes! OH GOD YES, Mr. Hughes cuts a promo. YELLING! Kamala and Slick! They're men who walk in the light!