Monday, July 2, 2012

Scott Watches WWE Raw (July 2, 2012)

  • Teddy Long gives Alberto Del Rio a "Teddy Long surprise," which turns out to be Sin Cara. OH MY! Sin Cara! One of the most popular lucha libres ever, says Michael Cole. Then Alberto knees Sin Cara in the head and snaps his drug-filled arm at ringside. This was good because it didn't give Sin Cara much time to suck a dick, and because Alberto rules ass until about the six-minute mark of any given match.
  • Paul Heyman's promo was, as usual, well-done.
  • Dolph Ziggler
  • Most of the main event was decent, pretty solid formula tag stuff, and I can get over Punk and Cena matching their clothes and apparently being bro-bros nowadays, but then Cena and Jericho "brawled" their way to the back so that AJ could come out and they could do the PG version of "this girl cuts herself" (I think Thomas Holzerman said that first and I stole it because he was right as rain) as she took about an hour setting up a table to throw herself through, and the boys were like NO AJ STOP, and they quit having their match, and she tongued Punk and then shoved him a whopping four feet or so onto Bryan, who stood in front of the table, and then the two of them lightly sat down through it. It was kinda like that Christmas prank Jim pulled on Dwight with the table and chair made out of wrapping paper. Still, I will leave this in "Good" because the first part of the match was in fact good.
  • HEY! Didja notice how little input one-night GM Teddy Long had? THAT WAS OK. The show still managed to move!

  • All the Money in the Bank dudes (and CM Punk) had a brawl, with Big Show kicking so much ass as a destructive force that he left everyone on their ass, though John Cena's hat did stay on. The promo wasn't much -- Punk is becoming John Cena with tattoos and a "funny" Twitter account where he totally disses rubes.
  • Eight-man tag match became a useless 4-on-1 scenario before anything notable happened. David Otunga wound up in a 5-on-1 situation when Brodus Clay came out and they did stuff to Otunga and then Christian danced with children, but I do think he was doing The Creep. People over there what's up
  • Paul Heyman blah blah tune into to Raw #1000
  • The match Dolph Ziggler was in
  • Heath Slater vs Doink in Airwalks was a waste. Doink got no reaction from the Texas crowd. If they had a lick of sense they'd have gotten someone useful since Texas crowds kick fucking ass. But DDP got a pop and then he did the Diamond Cutter after Heath beat Doink. I'm really hoping Heath Slater realizes this is going to go on a bit longer, then he's going to be on their C-show, and then he's going to be quietly released, and right now, rubbing up on Sid and DDP is about as good as it's going to get for him. I would feel bad about that, but his hair pisses me off.
  • Kane and The Big Show had a match where they stood around and poked at one another and it was called a no-DQ match. The Big Show won. The match sucked. Michael Cole wondered aloud what a match with Kane and The Big Show in the ring at the same time might look like. Golly! Who knows!
  • Tyson Kidd upset Tensai, who apparently is not a Lord anymore, and who then beat up his worshiper, and who then jumped Kidd backstage, so basically Tyson Kidd got a win, and they were like, "Wow! He hasn't won a match on Raw in like two years!" and then Josh said "Congrats, Tyson!" and then Tensai kicked Tyson's ass and it's like none of this ever really happened, but it should be a great feud for the Ion show.

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