Thursday, July 12, 2012

Scott Watches TNA Impact Wrestling (July 12, 2012)

  •  Bully Ray vs Joseph Park was OK, even if the storyline doesn't interest me much and Bully's accent is hilarious. Thumb tacks before anyone's bleeding a bit lame. Park snapping after the match when he sees his own blood kinda sucked but I have a feeling this column will be short.
  • Claire Lynch arrives at the arena earlier, smoking in her Mitsubishi. SMOKING! She's PREGNANT! I decide to use this as a reason to harass TNA and Dixie Carter on Twitter.
  • Kazarian makes duck faces and Chris Daniels speaks, and it doesn't matter until Claire comes out, followed by Styles, who is still not good on the mic, but whatever, he's acceptable and that's good enough. Claire reveals to Styles that he IS the daddy, daddy! If Maury gets involved in this it's the best wrestling angle ever.
  • Austin Aries comes out for a promo and tries to talk but the fans need him to notice how cool they are, so he has to shut them up eventually. Bobby Roooo comes out and he is all mad. About the only word he can get out is "fluke." It's like that Zandig promo.
  • Kurt Angle beat Anderson Anderson. It was OK.
  • Sting looks at playing cards and acts like a dead guy.
  • Every backstage promo. Let's just leave it at that.
  • Samoa Joe-RVD was really quite terrible. RVD is sloppy and dull as dishwater in his old age. Joe couldn't do enough here. Just like the Ray-Park match earlier, I'm subjected to close ups of a fat guy bulging his eyes and spitting on himself after Joe loses.
  • Hulk Hogan tries to ignore the previous 30 years of his on-screen persona and says to the playing card mystery men, "Let's dance! I can't wait to see the whites of your eyes!" You know, because the Hulkster is a big tough outlaw.
  • Zema Ion-Dakota Darsow just sort of happened. Darsow all mad because Zema doesn't call Jesse Sorensen on the phone and go to his house and jerk him off or whatever he's supposed to be doing. Zema wins pretty easily. Taz likes Zema Ion a lot, which isn't creepy at all.
  • On the Aries promo: I'm tired of these motherfuckers being like "I am young and saving wrestling because it is bad. I am good at wrestling!" It's like all those Torae and Freeway and Nas hip-hop songs that are supposed to be good because they bitch about how hip-hop is bad. And yeah, Austin Aries and CM Punk are dope, and Torae and Freeway generally have dope beats, but fuck, man, JUST MAKE THE GOOD HIP-HOP YOU SAY ISN'T OUT THERE. Stop whining like an old bitch. Just do the good wrestling you say has been killed. Fuck. Is that so hard?
  • Brooke Hogan is horrible, and she pretty much ruined the Tessmacher-Gail match, which was OK I think.
  • Backstage, Wayne Arnold catches up with Claire Lynch. "AJ I trusted you man what the heck." EMOTIONAL
  • Sting goes to the ring to confront the scary biker (?) gang with Hogan. Hogan's music plays and he doesn't come out. Hogan's music plays and he doesn't come out. Hogan's music plays and he doesn't come out. WE GET IT. Backstage, Brooke Hogan chases off the gang. Sting sees this on TV, and starts to head backstage to give the frightening Brooke a hand, but then the gang jumps him. Apparently they move like all hell. They might be...supernatural.

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