Friday, June 22, 2012

Scott's Professional Wrestling YouTube Travels: Matches of 2012 #1

Hello! These are matches mostly found in a thread at DVDVR. I watched them. I do not understand crazy lucha so I do not watch it. It does not compute for me and I don't want to say something sucks simply because I cannot appreciate it.

Vader vs Tiger Shark (RJPW, March 16)

Vader works the crowd but good as he towers over young Tiger Shark, who doesn't quite know how to approach THE BIG MASTODON, so when he does he finds himself overpowered. Couple Vader punches in the corner. Lariat. Vader body avalanche. Tiger Shark finds himself with a chance when the fat old man is down, so he kicks away and looks for a submission maneuver. It is his only hope. Vader's arm is as big as Tiger Shark's leg. Vader avoids some type flying attack and OH GOD kills him with an elbowdrop as he winds up falling ass first on the poor youngster's skull. Rectum? Liketa kilt 'im. With no time to recover, really, Tiger Shark falls victim to a chokeslam, and then Vader unmasks to the delight of the audience. Vader Bomb, you kiddin'? Tiger Shark kicks out, you kiddin'? The kid's got moxie. He stays in the picture. So Vader drills him with a POWER BOOOOOMB one of the great lost movies of shitty stupid pansy assed American wrestling. 44 stars!

If I could have voted for Least Likely Awesome Wrestling Comeback of 2012, Vader would have fallen somewhere in between Iceman King Parsons and Brian Pillman.

The Professor vs Brian Porter (AWN, June 15)

HOLY CRAP YOU FAT. The Professor is SO FAT it's not even kind of OK. 90% of his life, Brian Porter is either "the fat guy" or "the chubby guy" in his social circle, but here he's like The Professor if Prof dropped about two hundo. They announced bubba at 380 but if he's 380 I'm 210, and that's been years. This is just an extended squash of no particular purpose other than to antagonize a crowd that genuinely seems to not want to see The Professor and his stomach-turning lard packed into a singlet, which itself must be a two-man job at best. He is the most purely fat man I believe I've ever seen wrestle. The level of Jell-o skin goo on The Professor puts even Yokozuna to shame. Professor wins and does a comedy routine. Overall this was incredible.

Frankie Tucker vs Derrick King, Last Man Standing (May 25, somewhere)

This is dope as fuck. Some kinda garage or barn or the like, and they fight all over the damn thing, putting each other through bits of wood and threatening piledrivers onto fucking podiums, and throwing loverly punches and exhibiting true hatred. This is such an awesome match, and the building has not one but TWO big ass American flags, and watching this match makes me want to drink beer out of a can and pretend I don't know it's yellow. People get pissed -- seriously pissed -- when Frankie Tucker uses a chain to choke King. The finish is a little stupid for my tastes, and the referee must be a stone cold retard to fall for it, but I don't really give so much of a fuck about the finishes in wrestling matches anymore, to be honest. I care, a little, but who cares. It's about the journey, son. And this journey is good stuff.

Brian Caige vs Nick Mason (Planet Wrestling, June 9)

This one didn't do a lot for me. Nick Mason got his nose busted on a pretty flying clothesline from Caige, but other than that he didn't flip my switch, and Caige was just OK. Really the match just didn't have much that I enjoy in the professional wrestling, but I did enjoy the crowd commentary, including, "that's a bad nosebleed," because it made me think of, "This is a particularly bad case of someone being cut in half." Give it a try, maybe you'll like what I did not.

Gutter vs Ben Boone (Michigan, March 31)

Fella in DVDVR thread said Gutter's indy wrestling's sleaziest looking dude. Brother don't look sleazy to me at all. He looks like some of my pop-punk/semi-hipster friends. He clearly washes his hair like all the time. Frankie Tucker's way more likely to steal something from you than this dude. This was alright -- Boone helpfully had his name on his gear. Gutter loves his fans, more in a Dane Cook way than a Ricky Morton way. Not sleazy.

Marc Mandrake vs Sugga (WXW, May 23)

I watched Marc Mandrake a bit late last year when I got into my head that i'd watch something from all the PWI 500, which I did not do, of course, but since the issue is due to come out soon, I swear to God, in front of God and everyone, and all the critters crawling around, that I will fucking do it for the 2012 edition. I SWEAR TO GOD I'm going to do it. Being either an atheist or an agnostic, this doesn't mean a lot to me, but I SWEAR TO GOD.

What still bugs me most about Mandrake and partner Butch Long is they're a Southern tag team named The Highwaymen not coming out to "Highwayman" by The Highwaymen.

Sugga is quick for his size (he's a big fella) and Mandrake ain't bad, but most of this is just old timey cheatin' shit with Long at ringside pulling some shuck and jive move, and THE WORLD'S FUCKING DUMBEST REFEREE. Dude makes the referee from Tucker vs King look like Tommy Young. Sugga gets the win against cheatin' odds and despite being kicked in his nutsack. It was OK.

Casey Kage vs Bryan Rivers (DSCW, April 7)

Bryan Rivers is "All Business" and he is your Fannin Co. Georgia babyface. These are former tag team partners. Despite his nickname, Rivers gets on the mic to crack jokes before the match begins. This is in Blue Ridge, Ga., which is somewhere I want to go now. Maybe some weekend I don't have to work I'll throw my ass on a Greyhound and get down there.

Rivers works the hiptosses and armdrags and wristlocks to get this thing started proper. Euro-pean uppercuts! The camera switches are crazy as fuck and throwing me off. Casey Kage administers a a short whoopin and FUCK WITH THE CAMERA. I get it, ya got two! Damn give me a shaky handheld right now. Kage is a spit-puncher. "Pchoo! Pchoo!" This crowd is small but lively, and Casey Kage is appropriately unlikable. Rivers makes his comeback, but the ref gets bumped. Big ol' Samoan drop from Rivers and he would have a three count under normal circumstances, but these are not them. New ref in, and he only gets two. A tennis racket gets involved and Kage steals the win with the referee's back turned. Despicable. This was solid.

Steve Corino vs Tommy Rich (PWX, April 28)

Florida seems like the place to be for a lot of shit. You know that Seth Galifianakis skit, where he's being interviewed, and he's talking about NPR and says, "To me, it's a buncha junk." That's kind of how I feel every time Corino is called "The King of Old School." Tommy Rich is regrettably out to "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy," which is a song that our DJ played and drove me out of my own wedding reception. I only returned for the chicken dance, and only because my niece asked me, and she is very small, and I could not say no. Considering he's 55 and hasn't been in "good shape" for 20 years or so, Wildfire's looking pretty good. No worse than the average 55 year old wrestler who peaked in the early 80s and had to come down from that through the REST of the 80s.

Corino annoys the me with his pre-match promo, as, like a true member of the Old School, he can't manage to stay on topic and ignore people in the audience. Then he calls them "retards" and "turds." Man he is Oooooooooooooooooold SCHOOL. Then he does the 14-year-old "smart kid" where he totally LAYS DOWN THE SMACK on a subject of knowledge, and ends with, "so go kill yourself." Corino is a miserable fucking prick. And this is my favorite thing about him, I think.

The promo itself is a big jackoff session, then it turns into Corino telling Rich that when he met him 13 years ago, after worshiping him as a kid, he was "the biggest asshole." "I was a Tommy Rich fan. And then it all ended." And then Corino loses the track again because he can't stay on topic. "Shut up retard!" Then some broad yells "WE WANT WRES-TLING." BITCH THIS IS WRESTLING. What fucking wrestling have people grown up watching that was NOTHING BUT SERIOUS BUSINESS MATCHES? Get her, Corino! Call her a retard too! I AM CONFLICTED

Rich drops Corino with a right hand. Opening bell sounds. Wahlfahr don't move so good these days but he can throw some punches. Corino sells a shit kneelift like he just got hit with fuckin dynamite. He's got to go around this motherfucker making Tommy Rich's flaccid offense look devastating. Rich with a chair touch to the back. I mean Corino is throwing himself all over the place. Man, nevermind -- these fans are jackasses. Corino's right. Total retards. They should ALLLLL kill themselves.

Corino wanders about getting shoved into and over things by Tommy Rich. They're up on some little stage now, and Corino gets a right hand to the gut. Some fat guy is trying to give them something to use, and the poor little pussy assed indy ref is like "Um, sir, no" and the guy's just like "fuck you, ref," and Corino takes a backdrop on the stage. And you can see the fat guy still intimidating the ref. And this guy keeps going USE MY SHOE LMAO

Corino bleeds because how can he not? Rich dominates the match and it's frankly fucking dumb that he does, but necessary because otherwise we basically don't have a match. So you've got Corino running around getting his ass kicked by Rich, who is the babyface, I guess, and nobody really cares, while Corino is busting his balls to make this thing watchable. Finally Corino gets some offense, and he mixes it in with arguments with fans, trading sweet burns while he sets up some stupid chair spot and then goes out to ringside trying to unhook a section of the guardrail.

There is something about this match I find kind of embarrassing. I don't really mean that how it sounds, probably. A couple of guys actually mock Rich -- "You've still got it!" They can't be serious, really, so it's just them insulting the guy while he's doing the best he can. And Corino is forced into interaction because, well, he can only do so much smoke and mirrors work to keep people awake here. Corino wins with BRASS KNUX. It was pretty terrible, quite honestly, but Corino was working for four here.

Shaun Tempers vs Al Snow (DSCW, April 7)

I saw Shaun Tempers on the latest episode of NWA Mountain State, which I started to watch and didn't finish because, well, I got tired or fell asleep or was drunk or something, and the match sucked bad, but it was hard to tell why that was. Snow's doing the Head deal again, but now he wears black boots. He does a whole bit with it before the match gets underway. This is one of those things people trick themselves into thinking is funny. I've never particularly loved Al Snow but in his prime he could go. This is a comedy match because Snow has no need to do anything, including throw a halfway credible punch. I've never seen a worse instance of hand slapping a punch. Just awful. Man. Fuuuuck this. This match is awful. And it's not just the comedy aspect that's boring the shit out of me, either. This is just really bad. Snow is worthless here.

Frankie Tucker vs Derrick King (May, somewhere)

This precedes the Last Man Standing match. HOLY FUCK this starts hot with some sweet right hands from both. Goddamn there's one woman chanting SOO PER KICK forever.

These motherfuckers punch and smack into a stalemate, then talk some shit on each other, face to face. Frankie Tucker might throw the best right hand in wrestling right now. Back to another stalemate as they talk and stare out at the crowd and wonder what to do. This is a fantastic fistfight that ends in a no-contest when both guys hit the referee in their WHITE HOT RAGE, and Frankie Turner's gang comes in to back King down and then they go after him as the fight is BACK ON at ringside. I love this feud so much. These fellas can professional rassle.

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