Thursday, June 14, 2012

Scott's Professional Wrestling YouTube Travels #12

Brutus Beefcake vs Jacques Rougeau (WWF, January 1989)

Jacques, according to the Lord Alfred, is rangy. And Sean Mooney notes that he has less hair than Ron Bass. Go fuck yourself, Mooney. Where would I rank Jimmy Hart on a list of the best managers that I can rank because I know their work so well that I am a big fancy expert?

1. Jim Cornette
2. Bobby Heenan
3. oh who cares

He's somewhere. Rougeau with a rangy, athletic, quick start, and then Beefcake takes over with his ring IQ, which I'm not buying whatsoever. Brutus with a high knee. There were few successful pro wrestlers quite as shit as Brutus Beefcake. Hart distracts the goober and Rougeau gets going. Rougeau works in a camel clutch and a Boston crab. Hayes criticizes Rougeau's smarts. Then Hart pops Beefcake in the gut with the megaphone. Hayes admits his mistake in analysis.

It's really remarkable how much better the Mooney-Hayes team -- at time, mediocre at best -- is than any team in rasslin today. Similarly this match is mediocre at best but I am so excited to watch some random wrestling right now that I think it's a great deal of fun. Raymond runs in when Jacques is in the sleeper and then Brutus pulls a weapon on them. That's weird, the more you think about it. They pretend he's going to cut their hair and that's why they're scared, but no, dog, it's because he's about to gut them with fuckin hedgeclippers.

Greg Valentine vs Kerry Von Erich (St. Louis, October 1981)

I was watching some WCCW the other morning and goddamn do I love the Von Erichs. They were all flawed and none really should have been world's heavyweight champion -- they say David could have carried it, but he was just as messed up as the others, so could he have? really? -- but they are such a remarkable story, and it's so crazy how good the three of them were when they were at their best.

This is early Kerry and the Hammer, two second-generation stars. Kerry turned pro in '79 and Valentine in '70, so Greg here is essentially a grizzled vet, though just getting his big-time career moving. Down in Texas a guy like Kerry Von Erich could be hot simply because of his sweet bod, even though his face was -- well, he was the ugliest of the brothers apart from the roided up body, let's just put it that way. Even uglier than David, who was no beauty.

Kerry is still green green green, Matysik talks about Fritz and Johnny. Greg is carrying the hell out of this thing and Kerry's natural charisma helps keep him afloat despite his relative youthful shittiness. Valentine tosses him to the floor and then at the commentator's table. This has gotten ugly. LOOKOUT! Valentine does a number, Von Erich starts coming back, and man this is still going. Back to the floor. Fans are angry as Valentine atomic drops him - ON THE FLOOR - and the brainbuster (elbow, not suplex) lands, and then misses, and then they just start throwing fists at each other. It's out of control. This is fuckin awesome.

Chris Benoit vs Marty Jannetty (WCW, January 1998)

I still don't get why Marty had the lumbering fat guy stock music. Oh man Larry totally rips on the NFL -- the "Stupid Bowl!" will prevent Souled Out '98 from being on Sunday, so it's on Saturday. The STUPID BOWL, you guys! Stupid Bowl!

HEY! Guess what? This match is pretty fucking good, because Marty Janetty was a great professional wrestler for periods of time, and Chris Benoit was -- oh, jeez, I was gonna say "your dad," but...dude.

Anyway, Raven's Flock makes their way out when Jannetty submits, and finally, Blue Chip Prospect Sick Boy Who Must Be Pushed gets in a move after a few hit the floor, and then he's crossfaced. People who weren't really around in the late 90s/early 00s online can't imagine some of the shit wrestlers some people thought should be pushed. Sick Boy. Kanyon.

After the Flock gets the upperhand on Benoit for a moment, Jannetty returns to the action to join Benoit's cause, and they fight off everyone. Yeah I'd agree with that. Benoit + '98 Jannetty > entire Flock.

Raven vs Marty Jannetty (WCW, January 1998)

The previous match was Nitro, this is on Thunder, and they even remember to mention that this match has two week-old history. This ain't just the opponent -- Jannetty is shittier here than he was against Benoit. He's really, really loose. Soft. But it's also the opponent. Raven enjoys pain, y'see. Raven's Rules. Jannetty with a superkick. Too bad crowd doesn't care about him at all. This ain't too bad really. Hell, Marty tries to get a reaction to go up for a flying fistdrop, and 30% of the people who react at all are just like, "Fuck off, has-been." That's sad. Wrestling is a sad place. Van Ravenator puts a chair into Jannetty's skull, and then the Evenflow DDT finishes things. Raven wasn't very good, huh?

Ric Flair vs Robert Gibson (1990)

It's the Power Hour. Flair is your world's heavyweight champion. I shit you not, there's a comment on this YouTube video that says "RIP Woman Benoit." Yeah, Woman Benoit. RIP. Wrestling fans are straight up creeps. Remember when Hogan said she was into devil worship stuff? Flair, says Solie, has everything to lose and nothing to gain in this match, and Solie notes he's feuding with Luger. "Gibson could very well be a spoiler." It just doesn't get any better than Solie and Jim Ross on the mics. Describing things. Analyzing matchups. Flair just rips him with a chop, and Gibson loses his shit with a series of rights and a back body drop. Goddamn, Robert Gibson was a B+ at his best, probably closer to a solid B at this stage, and Flair is still making him look like an A. This is fantastic. "Oh God! Oh my leg! Oh God!" Flair wins with his feet on the ropes, sneakily overcoming a valiant effort from the tag team specialist. 13 stars.

Seth Rollins vs Kassius Ohno (FCW, April 2012)

If they're hoping to bring Caylee Turner up as a ring announcer someday, then that might be the true end of WWE for me. Seth Rollins, the wrestler so metal he's got TWO. DIFFERENT. HAIR COLORS. This girl is the worst ring announcer I have ever heard in my life, and I'm counting every single sport with ring announcers. I didn't know Chris Hero got a new name and was in FCW until i saw his new name on my Twitter feed.

Well, this is a ROH match. I keep wondering how I feel about prime/slightly post-prime era ROH being what wrestling is going to look like sooner than later. It's so weird to me. ROH itself is 100% pure garbage now, because all the guys who didn't suck are gone, on to real life. That's weird to me. The commentary here is terrible. Sub-Michael Cole. "Innovated maneuver!" What the. Who? GTFO.

This is like a WrestleMania match of FCW. Motherfuckers kicking out of the big moves and shit. laying it all on the line. Throwing off the forearm pads to expose the bare arm -- if it's so much devastating without the bare arm, why doesn't he just do that all the time? Injury concerns? Sure. OK. Rollins wins and retains his FCW belt. This was pretty good.

Roddy Piper vs Ivan Putski (WWF, May 1984)

I don't know why I'm watching this. It's not going to be good and I'm going to think it sucks. Yo, I swear to God I didn't type that just to go the other way. This rules and quickly at that. Piper offers a test of strength, Putski starts bombing him with rights and lefts, and Piper is left caught off-guard. Eventually, Piper rakes the eyes to deter Putski, but then flops face-first on the mat like Johnny Valentine. Putski just beating Piper around, and now the bagpipists start playing at ringside and Piper gains some power. Big right hand! Down goes Putski! Then Putski begins to polack up so big time and he's ready to RUMBLE MOTHERFUCKER YES! THIS MATCH IS AWESOME. Then Putski clips the referee with a right hand, so he gets disqualified. Goddamn it. This should have been an hour.

Ricky Steamboat vs Tiger Mask II (All Japan, 1989)

I was reading in one of the early early early early DVDVRs about this match from DEAN and he said it was good. Or he was more excited than that. Either way, here it is. This is during Steamboat's brief reign as world's heavyweight champion and he got to make a trip to Japan. KEEP IN MIND I do not particularly like Japanese professional wrestling.

This is good. It is tight and strong and makes sense and is two very masterful professional wrestling men doing their thing. In time, it becomes violent, as Steamboat takes a piledriver on the concrete floor in the Japan Arena. Then they chop and fight and claw. Crowd buying Misawa nearfalls. You can't ask them to do that, I don't suspect, but they do. Finish is Tiger getting about 42 nearfalls in a row only to be held down by Steamboat in a pinning predicament. The champ escapes, basically. It's like a Flair defense but no tights pulled, just kind of a halfway-lucky break.

Jerry Lawler vs Road Warrior Hawk (Memphis, 1998)

It's Power Pro Wrestling! Maybe I shouldn't call this "Memphis," I guess. I was watching that Road Warriors DVD 'cause it's on Netflix and maybe it's just me, but they sure seemed to gloss over a lot of shit in that thing, more than most of those features do. I mean, let's be real, once Hawk fucked up their WWF deal in the early 90s, it was over. They were never anything to write home about after that. They were just famous and could get pops, but they were absolute shit in the ring.

This is interesting. An obviously old, out of shape Hawk no-sells everything, then challenges Lawler to piledrive him. He gives him one -- no-sold. Another, one-eighth-sold. A third, quarter-sold. I really mean it, this is an interesting approach. This is a couple old dudes running some glory days nostalgia as best they can. The match goes nowhere when Stacy gets involved. Basically it's the three piledrivers. Goddamn Bill Dundee and Billy Travis jump in as Hawk punches Lawler a bunch.

Road Warrior Hawk vs Terry Richards (WCW, September 1995)

Terry Richards is a young Rhino. Poor young Rhino. Hawk's got an injured arm due to Kurasawa. Nasty chop from Hawk. Hawk completely ignores his bad right arm and Heenan has to keep going "He used his right arm. He used his right arm." Fuck injuries. Fuck arms.


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