Hiya! I have been watching some wrestling this week and there was a PPV tonight, so I ordered it.
Free Match on the Internet: Brodus Clay vs David Otunga
Fact: David Otunga is shit. I don't remember much about this match, but I do like Brodus. Ain't nothin' wrong with that guy, in my view. He's taken this and stayed true to his school, unlike Scorpio who got lazy as shit as Flash Funk.
World Heavyweight Championship: Sheamus (c) vs Dolph Ziggler
Fantastic match, and a great PPV opener. Ziggler can legit go. I'll put that guy in any era and he'll get over. You put him in Mid-Atlantic in 1983 and I guarantee he becomes a top guy. You put him in World Class, and he's a great Von Erich foe, but one whose best feud was really against babyface Chris Adams, or maybe later as a babyface against Gino Hernandez. Ziggler's the real deal. That guy's a professional wrestler.
Sheamus ain't bad, either, and he hangs in here. They didn't just go out and set the tone. Ultimately they stole the show, outworking everyone on the card and having by far the best match, and there was some other good stuff here. Sheamus retained in a back-and-forth donnybrook.
Tuxedo Match: Santino Marella vs Ricardo Rodriguez
Crowd wasn't feeling this at all, but it was your standard tuxedo match. Ricardo almost gave away his underpants reveal but did not. Alberto is on his tighty whities. Not nearly as good as Cornette-Paul E at Great American Bash 89, with Bob Caudle getting lusty on commentary.
Intercontinental Championship: Christian (c) vs Cody Rhodes
This was pretty good, and one of the better Cody matches I've seen, but I feel like they overdid it a bit trying to make it "epic." Christian retained after a bunch of "1-2-THR-NOOOOOOO" stuff with a spear. Christian is a Seasoned Veteran indeed. Cody may yet be of some actual worth.
Fatal Four-Way: Harlem Heat vs Los Boricuas vs The Headshrinkers vs Mismatched WCW Saturday Night Team
Tag team wrestling is truly dead. Black Tag Team won, and that Abraham Washington dingus joined their cause, ditching Los Boricuas.
HHH Talks About Stuff
HHH, working a six-figure (at least), white collar job he got from his father-in-law, has the audacity to say he now "works a real job" in front of an audience that is probably 98% blue collar. I love Bruce Springsteen, but this is kinda like the Boss going up to actual coal miners and trying to relate to them. You can be Steve Austin and portray a working man, Dusty Rhodes portraying a common man, The Boss as a sympathizer, but when you're in an expensive suit with your ponytail pulled back, meant to remind everyone of when you used to Rock n' Roll, and you go, "Damn, this real job sucks. And a corporate job at that? Damn!" then fuck your own ass and get the fuck away from me. You silver spoon motherfucker. This guy's been on the gravy train since the first time he wet his end in Stephanie, and he's out here talkin' about 9-to-5. What the fuck does HHH know about hard times?
Anyway, he challenged Brock Lesnar for SummerSlam.
Lady Time: Layla vs Beth Phoenix
This was another comedy match, mostly. Layla retained her butterfly belt.
Sin Cara vs Hunico
This was lousy. Not only didn't anyone care, but Sin Cara is terrible, probably the worst wrestler on the entire roster. I know he does neat moves and shit, but his matches are just shit. This was a Prince Iaukea vs Lenny Lane match. Sin Cara won.
WWE Championship: CM Punk (c) vs Daniel Bryan vs Kane
This was OK. Some folks thought it was totes the boobs, but I hate three-way matches and I couldn't ignore how much Kane sucked. Kane is OK for who he is, and as a known quantity, his suckage in 2012 does not surprise me or anything, but CM Punk and Daniel Bryan could have put on a match that was basically 100% different and 500% better than this. I also hate triple threat matches right down to their rotten, stinking, ill-conceived core. Punk retained and it's still tough to figure out what AJ's doing (she left with Kane but winked at Punk, as she basically helped him retain through getting creamed on the apron). She's like Mickie James the psycho dyke + evil Lita. I dig it.
Ryback vs Two Idiots
That could have been Gassed Up Idiot vs Two Idiots. Ryback receives a few "Goldberg" chants but mostly just encourages people to check Facebook on their phones. Ryback won and kept going FEED ME THREE and OTHER THINGS HE YELLED but nobody gave a shit and he just sort of looked stupid. His screaming was meant for a crowd in awe of his carnage. Instead he had a crowd that didn't care.
Cage Match: John Cena vs Big Show
Supercracker and the Big Nasty went at a pace that made me pine for the Mad Man Pondo vs Abdullah the Butcher match I saw in Highland, IN, back in '04, but the finishing angle with all of Show's victims coming down to dare him to escape the cage was good. Referee was knocked out but Cena won a "photo finish," if photos were still taken the way they were back when the Earps and Cowboys roamed Tombstone. The match more or less stunk it out, like a 1997 WCW main event, but the angle was good, and Johnny Ace is fahhhhhhhhhhhhr
Can't wait for Good Guy Vince to appoint next Bad Guy GM and come back in six months shocked that he's an incompetent cunt.