Thursday, June 28, 2012

Championship Wrestling From Florida, 1985: Things You Need to Know

"I'd like to thank my father and both my brother, I'd never been here without 'em. Thank you for answering all the questions I ever had to ask 'em. Thank the fans of Florida for all the sport, all the support they've always had, and always been there for us."

"Durin' this Christmas season, it's a time for merriment and everybody to be happy, and I've had a very good Christmas except for a couple of items that have interfered in my life. Sometimes in your life you try to do things right, and people, they're always interferin' with you. You go downtown, you try to go to work, you try to do your job, there's somebody always messin' with ya. Well Kevin Sullivan is my nemesis. He's the same way. Everything I do, everywhere I go, he's there hauntin' me. He's there botherin' me. And I can promise you somethin', Kevin. You never thought there'd be any more activity from this eye or anything else, but there it is. Take a look at it. 57 stitches, brother. Put back together by the finest medical surgeons around today. And if you thought for one moment, you stinkin' little rat, that I was gonna quit, that I was gonna submit, that I was gonna hang it up and retire like a lot of people suggested that I do, you've got another thought comin'. Now Purple Haze and Bobby Roop, now known as the Maya Singh, and Kevin Sullivan, what I want you to do, brother, is go back down on the cosmic cookie, and head toward Tibet, and conjure up anything that you possibly can. Because I will guarantee you from this point on, if I catch you in the parking lot, if I catch your old lady in the parking lot, no matter where it is, any time, I'm gonna bust you up. And I'm gonna start by breakin' your arms and your fingers up. And I'll guarantee it. So you had better be ready. And all I can do is wish you a happy New Year, Kevin Sullivan."

"Blackjack is not one to miss what he's been dedicated to all his life. He may be injured right now - he's kinda worried about his sight, worried about the cut on his eye. But I tell ya what, he's a fighter, he's a struggler, and he's a survivor, most of all and foremost of all. Kevin Sullivan, you better be prepared for Blackjack and what he has for you. Because you seem to think this was the worst thing that you could ever do. Blackjack's comin' for you."

Tyree Pride fights it up with Buddy Rose in Nassau. Pride's hard island head cannot be damaged - he calls on shots to his skull, then turns it around with thrusts and right hands. Undersized and beloved, Tyree Pride is ready to fight for his right to rassle and to be the Bahama champion. Crowd reacts to everything he does. He flies with a crossbody and wins the title. Everyone is elated. Bill Alfonso, with a half a fro, is your referee. People are jumping the guardrails and dancing and partying. They come into the ring to celebrate.

Clips from Flair vs Wahoo #3,174. They wear the crimson masks. When Eric Bischoff said in his book that he didn't think blood added anything to a match, I knew for a fact that Eric Bischoff wasn't a wrestling fan. And the way that I mean "wrestling fan," I doubt he'd even disagree with that. I'm low class in a world where Eric Bischoff wants to live. Actually I shouldn't be allowed in the same state. In Bischoff's world, he and all the other slick-talking phonies would take over Wyoming and turn it into half-Los Angeles, half-"outdoorsy" shit. In Eric's life, he was an outlaw because he wore jeans to the CNN Center. I bet they were designer jeans.

Wahoo rocks with Rick Rude, and Kevin Sullivan interferes. Sullivan is hit with a chop flying off the top rope, but he can't fall down or anything like that. "Exit Ravishing Rick Ruder, enter Lex Luger." Luger is more than muscles. Rude was not, is the point they're making. Luger is good at aerobics. Hiro Matsuda has made him a man. Wahoo came back too early from back surgery, and we see Lex Luger winning the Southern title.

Wahoo vs Luger is a turning point. Wahoo is tough. Luger is a body. Luger is young and looks good. Wahoo is old and doesn't. Wahoo was a real football player. Luger played football. Wahoo lays in his chops and kicks. Luger gingerly clubs at him and allegedly rams his shoulder into his gut. Wahoo lights him up with a chop and throws him outside. Luger looks like he's never seen ring ropes. Wahoo, 8000 years old by this point, goes through the ropes 100x better than Luger. Luger's punches are absolutely comical. They are absurd. And Wahoo bleeds, perhaps because he knows how absurd this guy looks. Kicks are almost as funny as the punches. It's unreal how bad Luger's punches are. Every WWE Diva throws a better punch than 1985 Lex Luger. The match is terrible. Gordon is depressed: "Well, I tell you what. We've got a new Southern heavyweight champion. That's all there is to it.

"You know, I hear Hector Guerrero being referred to as the speedy Mexican. Well he's not gonna be so speedy getting into the ring with me at night in Ocala after being out in the fields picking tomatoes all day long with the other migrant workers. As far as I'm concerned, Hector, I'm gonna chew you up and spit you out just like a stale burrito, brother."

"Mulligan, who the hell do you think you are? Ocala, a walkin' tall match? You know, the boys asked you to call it quits. Barry and Kendall said, hang 'em up. You understand? Now, we're getting back to the basics. We're getting back to the line that's drawn. There's you and your family on this side. And there's my family on this side. You see, we cannot coexist peacefully anymore, Blackjack. I gave you a chance. I almost destroyed your face forever. Walkin' tall matches don't scare me, Blackjack. Ocala, your hometown, does not scare me. What scares me is how far I gotta go to put you down forever. Forever is a long time, Blackjack. And by forever I don't mean you just not wrestling again. I mean forever."

Barry Windham responds: "He knows that his way of thinking isn't the way everybody else thinks. But Blackjack hasn't been one to worry about the way he looks, Kevin Sullivan. Now he is kinda worried about his eye right now. Because you almost put his eye out. Comin' straight to the fact. Mr. Sullivan, lemme tell ya. Blackjack is very grim right now, and he's facing a lot of realities. He's come to the realization that, one, if he's not able to see again, he has you to blame. Now this is the holiday season and I'm gonna tell ya something. He's not really happy about it. You've taken something away from me, and something away from my family. But Blackjack's right on the line of taking something away from you. You're talking about forever? It just might be your forever."

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