Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Brent's Random Wrestling Match Reviews #1

Terry Taylor vs. Terry Gordy - UWF Heavyweight Title (6/17/86)

Taylor was FIREY, god dammit. I love Terry Taylor because he kicked ass, but also because my love of him seems to piss Scott off.

Gordy was a sonuvabitch. All big and mean and he'd do whatever it takes to kick your fuckin' teeth in. But he had that "Big man can wrestle too" thing so he'd hit ya with a backslide and then kick you in the throat.

This starts off slow, as in way too fucking slow. Taylor has had a headlock on for a fucklong time. Commercial break and here we are again but Gordy has a rear chinlock and then ends up with a sleeper and Jesus Christ with the restholds.

This is doing nothing for me. So why am I here again? Why do I keep coming back when Scott does? I think generally because once he starts talking about watching wrestling it brings up a desire to watch some for me also. But this time I wasn't very interested when he was watching again...UNTIL we started talking about the Cageside Seats tournament thing. And once you start debating the relative merits of different wrestlers from different eras and promotions it turns into "I gotta go to the tape here." And that led to this. And I know I'll be nowhere near as consistent about posting as Scott, but here we are. I imagine I'll pick back up with the WWF shows where I left off before at some point, but for now I'll probably do a series of random match reviews.

Gordy grabs the top rope to counter/hold the pin on a sunset flip attempt by Taylor and that's your finish. This should have been better. But it wasn't. And it kinda sucked.

Terry Gordy vs. Steve "Dr. Death" Williams (6/22/86) 

Gordy had hit the piledriver on the concrete against the good Doctor and put him in the hospital, now he's back and wants his revenge. Williams has never had a major title, Jim Ross reminds us over and over that this is the match of his life. They're in Williams' backyard and the crowd is loyal.

This is a Bill Watts wet dream. Two big motherfuckers that could stand back to back and whip every ass in the crowd. And they're slamming into each other and throwin' each other around but they're also right bastards who aren't above grabbing a handful of hair to keep an advantage.

It's all press slams and clotheslines and punching in the face until Gordy whips Williams into the corner and the turnbuckle pops off so the top rope is down. The ring crew is up fixing the rope during the match which adds a layer of insanity to the whole damn thing and they quickly get the rope fixed as Williams is making his comeback. Holy fuck is this crowd into it and it's a collective gut punch as Williams misses a headbutt, then another comeback and he misses a shoulder tackle.

Gordy works the neck over and then goes for the piledriver but gets backdropped over the top rope. Michael Hayes loses his shit on commentary and runs to ringside to demand a DQ. Williams takes over and he is kicking the living shit out of the world before Hayes trips him. Then Watts is out to ringside and he punches Hayes. Oklahoma Stampede! Watts slides into the ring and counts the three and now the Freebirds are in and Watts and Williams clear the ring as Born in the USA plays.

If you seriously think Bill Watts couldn't book, go fuck yourself. If I were there in 1986 I'd have chanted "this is awesome!" at this match.

...No I wouldn't have. I'm not a jackoff.

It was fucking awesome though.

Hacksaw Duggan, Terry Taylor & Bill Watts vs. The Fabulous Freebirds (7/20/86) 

This is elimination style.

Watts and Duggan run across the ring and attack while Taylor....stands there like "fuckin...what?" And I'm starting to wonder if Terry Taylor isn't as good as I want him to be. But it just might be that he doesn't fit in this match. This is angry and grudge filled and Taylor has been around and a part of things but he's a guy who functions best as "here to wrestle" not "here to whip some ass." Duggan is going to have to carry the faces here. Taylor is kind of a weenieand Watts tries to be a bad motherfucker, but he's old and his punches and kicks kind of suck. But that's okay because Duggan is whompin' dudes and some old granny is jumpin' out her drawers with excitement at ringside.

...This seemed like it might be on the way to kicking ass as it was all tag, tag, tag, tag and motherfuckers putting the beating to each other and Duggan and Gordy are about to throw down and Buddy Roberts and Terry Taylor get all heated before they botch a leapfrog spot and improv it into some sort of backdrop.

Hayes and Watts get in the ring at the same time, all six men are in the ring a second later and it's nuts as Watts is punchin' away. Then it kind of ends and they act like they're out of time but stay with the action as Watts is busted open and the whole ending is just kind of fucked up and weird after a hot damn mess of dudes throwing punches. Also, there's someone at ringside with an "All Talk, No Cock" sign.

Wait, now they're announcing eliminations and I don't think anyone really fully understands what is happening. There's a lot of walking around and I hit fast forward.

The Fantastics & Missing Link vs. Eddie Gilbert, John Tatum & Sting <(8/3/86)

I hope they go into a bit of backstory here, because The Fantastics running around and hugging all the women at ringside while dragging The Missing Link around with them is really weird.

Shit jumps off right away because that's how Mid-South do it. The Fantastics are flyin around, Link is headbutting motherfuckers with the harest head in the world and Missy Hiatt walks around ringside being a total bitch years before she'd refuse to suck Paul Varelens' dick after agreeing to do so to get him to lose to Taz when ECW was building up Taz as a "shootfighter."

I don't "hate on" Sting or anything, but he's the worst guy in the ring here. Great look, but greener than Link's facepaint so he's just in there to be "heel who stalls to hold the advantage."

Gilbert is a'gushin red from his forehead because Hot Stuff is awesome. Link slams the shit out of Tatum and then Sting stands there going "duuuuuuh" waiting for Missy to interfere and, of course, it ends up backfiring as she hits Gilbert with her loaded purse by accident allowing the good fellas to get the win.

Kanyon vs. Sean O'Haire - WCW Nitro (2/26/01)

Hugh Morris was injured earlier tonight. What a drag. Kanyon had screwed over O'Haire by interfering in his tag match earlier tonight.

They were so high on O'Haire that they were throwing the guy on Nitro multiple times. He's big! He's powerful! Tony tells me that he's a "bad apple" as well! This was 20 days before Greed, which was a better show than it should have been from what I remember. I should dig out my copy of that at some point.

Post-wrestling lives didn't go so hot for these two. Kanyon came out as gay (not that that's bad) and then died (that part is). Sean O'Haire tried being a mixed martial artist and kickboxer but kept getting the shit kicked out of him, like when Butterbean whipped his ass at PRIDE 32. He also kept beating up women (like 3-4 different times!) and getting in legal trouble before he got his ass kicked and now has "impaired vision" according to Wikipedia, which pretty much closes the book on his MMA "career."

This match is SOOOOO 2001. It's all movemovemovemovemovemove with no real selling and no real build. O'Haire does the worst, stupidest jumping spinning kick ever. Then those karate chop type clotheslines which Tony calls "textbook lariats." POWER BOMBS! HUGE SLAMS! BIG MOVES! ...but the point where the announce crew blows their load is when O'Haire jumps to the top rope to do the "Seanton Bomb." My god, the agility!

That move ends it, by the way. And then they go to the 1-800-COLLECT replay...and it's Booker T hitting an axe kick on Scott Steiner? Oh, WCW...I love you so.

O'Haire sucked because he wasn't a wrestler. He was a big dude, kinda good look and really athletic. But he was just a walking video game moveset with no thought put into his shit. Yeah, he could do cool stuff...but who cared?

I guess the answer is that a lot of people cared in 2001, when Sean O'Haire was the dude everyone thought was the future of pro wrestling or some such shit. But no, the only thing it turned out he was any good at was being a piece of shit.

Bill Dundee/Jerry Lawler vs, Billy Joe Travis/Bulldog Raines (July '99)

So I says to Scott, I says "quick, name a wrestler" and he says "Billy Joe Travis." So here we are.

1999 Bill Dundee looks...unseemly. Travis has tights that are short on one side, full length on the other. Bulldog is a big ol' man in that "guy at the local wattering hole" kind of way. Where he probably doesn't lift weights anymore, but he's got a job moving bags of something heavy so he's still got muscles and shit, but they're sitting on top of a steady diet of Hamm's and bar cheeseburgers.

Dundee and Lawler throw their punches the way god intended. This is the night's main event, so it's got a little back-and-forth to make it count. Oh, nevermind.  An evil German guy and a white guy dressed like some sort of Asian man are in and that'll do it on the DQ. I could bother to look up who they were, but 1999 Power Pro was not something I knew a fuckin' thing about nor do I intend to.

Actually...what the fuck was that?

Were Germans and Japanese sympathizers really a legitimate concern in 1999? That's some straight up Memphis shit right there.

Psicosis vs. La Parka - WCW Spring Stampede (04/19/98)


The crew is actually trying to talk about the history between the two men (well, the WCW history) but I imagine that goes the way of the birds to talk about the nWo or...I couldn't even finish typing that out before they started talking about Sting vs. Savage and it being turned into a No-DQ bout. And now Hogan talk.

While that is going on, Parka is chopping the fucking shit out of Psicosis and then yells "COME ON, PUTO!" Then Psicosis gets pissed off and it's his turn to lay in with the chops. This is some good shit right here. I may not dig real lucha, but when the lucha guys would come to WCW and make the small adjustments to be a bit more "American friendly" it was great. Plus La Parka was an absolute motherfucker.

They do their divey dives and Psicosis does a bunch of ranas and we're back to talking about Sting vs. Savage and the future of the nWo.

Parka keeps pulling up Psicosis at 2 and that's totes gonna backfire. It does, then they do a really awkward set-up for Psicosis to land the guillotine legdrop with Parka holding himself of the second rope. Kinda went off the rails a bit in the second half.

But seriously...what will be the future of the nWo?

...oh, that's right

1 comment:

  1. I gotta admit, I was a fan of Disco! Inferno that is,not the music. Although the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack may or may not be a part of my music collection.