Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Brent Watches WWF Raw (Apr. 12, 1993)


Oh shit, the Beverly Brothers are here giving scouting reports to Money Inc. about the Steiners. The Bros are actually quite complimentary. They're fast! They got great suplexes! Gotta take out their legs! Get caught by the Frankensteiner and YER DONE!

Vince is so excited! There is rafter hanging by the fans! Rob Bartlett will interview Luna! Oh motherfucker, Friar Ferguson is going to debut and they're all about how everyone will be "blessed." 

I.R.S. vs. Scott Steiner

Scotty is outwrestling him early, which is probably because he's able to wrestle full-time while I.R.S. is busy as it is tax season. They should really commend him for working two careers, but I guess half the roster did in this era.

Scotty is all powerslams and shoulderblocks and hammerlocks while IRS is just bumping around for him until it gets choppy a little ways in and IRS takes it over. Nevermind, that ends 35 seconds later. This match has weird flow. Thumb to the eye by IRS, Scotty out to the floor and DiBiase drops him. Rick comes running over and DiBiase takes off the jacket, vest and pants and is just in his tights ready to throw down. Which is great, because you'd think the rich guy gimmick would make for a soft man, but Ted was too much of an asskicker before he came to the WWF to suddenly play a complete coward. Sure, he was all about paying off Andre to take out Hogan, but Rick Steiner ain't Hulk Hogan. DiBiase will punch you in your shit, Rick.

But they go to commercial and come back with IRS and Scott back in the ring and Rick and Ted separated. IRS is driving now and the piledriver, and that's the one move where Vince had no problem going "he didn't get it all" when someone doesn't deliver it. Scotty takes back over when a high risk manuever goes wrong for IRS. After a suplex and pin attempt, DiBiase is in to break up the pin and that's the DQ. The Beverly Bros come out to make the save and it's a whoopin'! IRS isn't an idiot, so he is laying around during the beating because he's still gotta sell. Beverly Bros crush DiBiase by accident and everything comes up Steiners. Meh, as much as I like Scotty and Rotunda, this was...meh. It ends with a big Beverly Bros vs. Money Inc standoff. More meh.

Tatanka vs. Von Krus

Von Krus is ugly. And not in like...a servicable wrestler kind of way. Just in a "look at that ugly bastard" kind of way. He spits at Tatanka, then screws up a leapfrog, then screws up a monkey flip, then telegraphs an armdrag. This guy is incredible.

Doink walks to ringside, sprays some water at people. Von Krus with some double handed chops and then on his third one he just...misses Tatanka's chest. Not because Tatanka moved, just because he missed.

War dance, chops, samoan drop...and Tatanka remains undefeated, defending 1993 America from an ugly German.

They interview Luna now and she doesn't like Sherri, she's growling a lot. Rob Bartlett is a punk! The only thing strong about Sherri is her breath.

Take that, ya ol' bitch!

Here comes Sherri and she calls Luna a "half bred woman" and..uh...that's kinda weird.

Look, y'all. Serri and Luna were both kinda hot. ..there, I said it.
"Face it, I am a bandit from the wild, untamed future. A place that was before and will be again. I am the ultimate female of the ring. I am the woman that rules the squared circle. And I will wipe you all over the mat like a fiiiine Picaso." Take THAT, Serri!

Sherri kicks her in the chest and now suplexes her on the outside of the ring. Luna takes off her belt and whacks Sherri. Thai clinch and a knee to the body by Sherri and she is choking her with the mic wire. This is a fuckin' brawl all of a sudden. This got wild and awesome. Better than any female wrestling in WWE or TNA in the past 5 years for sure. They come back from commercial and Sherri is with Macho Man, holding his hat over her tits because her clothes got all ripped up. Luna sneaks back out and she whomps Sherri with a forearm to the tits and Luna's ass is hanging out. What a bizarre and kind of awesome segment.

Papa Shango vs. Scott Taylor

We saw Taylor in action on the February 22nd edition of Raw, getting whomped on by Bam Bam Bigelow but doing a good enough job to make for an entertaining squash match. Now it's The Godfather vs. Scotty 2 Hotty. The twists and turns of two men's lives I suppose.

Taylor is all firey and goin' for it, man! But Shango is too big and too strong. He also is magic.

I loved Shango as a kid because I like horror shit and I thought he was creepy, mostly because of the shit with The Ultimate Warrior. But I always kind of wondered like...if he has all these spells that can fuck dudes up like that, why not just cast them before EVERY match? Sure, he can kick Scott Taylor's ass, but he could also just like, make him go into convulsions, pin him and not even bother with all the effort of the actual match.

Doesn't matter, easy, quick shoulderbreaker win for Shango.

Friar Ferguson vs. Chris Duffy

385 pounds! A monk! Vow of silence! Bare feet!

Duffy shoves him, Ferguson shoves back and Duffy goes flying. This is incredibly stupid. This is stupid even for stupid wrestling.

Money Inc vs. The Beverly Brothers next week on Raw!

Ferguson dances.World's worst spash and instead of getting the three count, he pulls Duffy up. THis is dragging on and on and the crowd clearly does not give the remotest fuck about what is happening. And why would they? It's a monk wrestling a dork in your main event. Ferguson sits on his face for the win, does some signs of the cross and holy fucking shit, that was awful.

Interview with Money Inc backstage is interrupted when they get jumped by the Beverly Bros and we're off the air.

At least this guy enjoyed it:
What up, ladies?

3 comments:

  1. DID YOU KNOW...former Neo-Nazi Skull Von Krus grew up to become Vito "The Skull" LoGrasso? Then, he started cross-dressing and appearing in Playgirl and it all sorta went to hell.

    Shameless self-promotion: 21 year old CRZ reviews this show for r.s.p-w: http://CRZ.net/monday/RAW.930412.final

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    Replies
    1. He had a bit of a "that dude DOES look familiar" vibe and then I was going to Google it and see why, and that would explain it.

      What a stupid face that guy has.

      Delete
  2. SPAM ALERT

    I watched the Sherri-Luna brawl on YouTube and felt funny.

    ReplyDelete