Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Brent Watches WWF Raw (Apr. 5, 1993)

It's the night after Wrestlemania! Hooray! There's gonna be another Steiners vs. Beverly Brothers match? Fuck.

Virgil vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

Holy shit! Virgil has the worst dropkick in the history of "athletic guy dropkicks" in this match. One count on a schoolboy is called "almost a three" by Vince. Virgil really was the shits. Just horrible. With all the squash matches that were on these early Raw shows, why the fuck is this going on so long. Bam Bam headbutts, Virgil with pointless firey comebacks only to get headbutted again. Virgil with a headbutt then a...uh...was that supposed to be a crossbody? That was blown to shit. Now a shitty top rope drop kick and some shitty punches. Everything Virgil does is shit. Except having a big dick...because everyone says he was very good at that. Diving headbutt gets the win and they almost gave me ten minutes of that shit.

There's some sort of fat woman walking around the ring when they come back from commercial. I'm not really sure why, but maybe there's a reason.

"The King" Jerry Lawler vs. ...nobody

Vince informs me that Lawler TRULY BELIEVES that he has royal blood. They chant "Burger King" and Lawler says he isn't going to wrestle if they don't stop. They don' he leaves.

Kimchee vs. Bob Backlund

Did Backlund work every fucking TV show they did in '93? Backlund keeps trying to shake hands, Kimchee isn't interested. Jesus Christ. This is boring as shit. Bridging pin wins it for Backlund.

Damien Demento vs. Jim Brunzell

They're busy talking to Rob Bartlett on the phone here instead of paying attention to the match. Brunzell looks like a fool not dressed like a Killer Bee. Clearly, since this is the night after WrestleMania it's just about all dudes who weren't on the card (and Backlund and the Steiners) and it's making for a pretty shitty show. Brunzell dropkick! Take THAT, Virgil. Jumping knee by Demento ends things.

"The King" Jerry Lawler vs. ...nevermind

More "Burger King" chants, more Lawler leaving.

The Beverly Brothers vs. The Steiner Brothers

Beau says his hair was pulled. You know...because that's the start to all their matches. The Beverly Brothers are the worst tag team of my lifetime. Okay, that isn't true at all. But I hate the shit out of them. There's a lot of nothing happening here early. The Beverly Bros. are at least able to get thrown around better at this match than they were at the Royal Rumble. Actually, as this goes on I'm being forced to come to terms with the fact that this match isn't nearly as bad as that Rumble match. Did they ever bother to put Scott in any singles matches during this run? I mean, come on. Scott vs. Shawn Michaels? That'd have been pretty mindblowing in '93. ANyway, this didn't suck. The Steiners are great. And we go to commercial with another tease for Lawler in action.

"The King" Jerry Lawler vs. Jim Powers

Oh! It's Jimmy Powers! He's very excited as he jumps Lawler. Very excited indeed. Everything is a move and then some "COME ON! YEAAAAH!" It's all bodyslams and clotheslines and Lawler rolling out of the ring and being chanted at. Your main event this evening is basically Jerry Lawler vs. "Burger King" chants. Savage tells me that therepy costs $9,000 an hour. Which seems excessive. Lawler goes to walk Powers over to the turnbuckle and give him the ol' smash. Instead Powers gets confused and puts his own throat on the rope and starts making choking noises, which is a fucking hillarious bit of miscomunication. Jesus, Lawler is letting Powers get a lot of offense in here. Piledriver. One, two, three and Lawler wins.

After the match, Lalwer challenges Savage and time runs out on the show. Holy shit, next week is Money Inc. vs. The Bushwhackers?!

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