Monday, December 19, 2011

Scott Watches WWE Tables, Ladders & Chairs '11

HEY THERE! Ho there. I didn't watch all of this -- I remembered hearing about a HHH vs Kevin Nash ladder match (!) and deciding that sounded ... interesting sometime last week, and then when I heard on Twitter it was starting, I found myself a LEGAL PAY-PER-VIEW OPTION and watched from there.

So here's what I watched. Apparently I missed Zack Ryder give a bunch of nerds a chubby (who cares), some ladies, Randy Orton, and what I can only assume was some horrible "tag team match."

Sledgehammer Ladder Match: Triple H vs Kevin Nash

So the point here is you have to climb the ladder if you want to retrieve the sledgehammer and use it. Nash was at +25000 to be the one climbing the ladder. As much as everyone wanted this to be some hilarious train-wreck with 42-year-old HHH and 52-year-old never-mobile Nash, they both busted their asses and balls and had a pretty good brawl. Nash is slow, but he kept a good pace for about 10 minutes (for Nash) and took some surprising bumps, including a fall through a table off the ladder.

I liked this match a lot, but then I tend to think that HHH would be the best rassler on these programs if he came back full time, and that Nash at least knows how to tell a story and all that. Finish was half-rad, half-lame, and no matter how you saw it (Nash recovering from a hammer beating and pedigree enough to flash a Kliq/Wolfpac sign at HHH), you couldn't have gotten it more wrong than Michael Cole did, as Cole described it as Nash "begging for mercy," which wasn't even remotely the point. The point was Nash was saying, "Whatever you do here, the Kliq is 4 LIFE n shit," which is pretty fucking stupid, and the returned CROTCH CHOP was stupid, but HHH blasting that motherfucker between the eyes was good. Fuck friendship. It's 2011, Kevin. GTFO. 20 stars.

Oh, the figure four through the ladder was pretty cool.

Sheamus vs Jack Swagger

Jack Swagger sucks. Sheamus the babyface sucks. Fuck this match. No stars.

World Heavyweight Championship Chairs Match: Mark Henry (c) vs The Big Show

This wasn't much. Apparently Mark Henry's dick is injured so they could only do a little bit and had to keep it short. Great start as bell rings and Show goes out to ringside to throw chairs into the ring immediately, because he's here to fuck shit up. Henry bats them out of mid-air, then decides that this is bullshit and tries to leave. That causes Big Show to give chase and the chair hitting is underway. I've seen real chairshots but apparently every time you hit someone with a chair they kill their wife or something, so the chairs to the back don't do much for me here. I still don't fucking understand why they don't just make fake fucking chairs made from cookie sheet material or something. It's real loud, it bends and crap, and it's not going to badly concuss anyone.

Big Show injures his hand but eventually punches Mark Henry in the jaw for the win anyway, ending his nine-year long world championship drought. But then Mark Henry lays him out, and Daniel Bryan runs in to cash in Money in the Bank, so he's the champion and it's kind of an odd moment. I mean, what kind of crap is that? It's sort of like when Chris Jericho challenged Syxx for the cruiserweight title right after Syxx had just wrestled for 20 minutes. Doesn't look good on a babyface. Oh well.

Later on Twitter some dork was like "HEY CM Punk did you guys ever think you'd be here after wrestling in high school gyms in front of 100 people!" which tells me this is a person who has never been to real deal true indy wrestling, for one thing, because for a lot of "promotions" 100 people in a high school gym would be the high life. Damn I saw shows in Lafayette, Indiana, with really good talent on them (including CM Punk, Samoa Joe, Chris Hero, AJ Styles, etc.) that drew like 40, and that was when indy wrestling was kinda hot-hot-hot for a minute or two. Anyway, Punk replied, "Yes." Like, no shit. Why did you think he was doing it? Because he thought he'd always suck? People ask stupid ass questions.

Intercontinental Championship: Cody Rhodes (c) vs Booker T

Earlier backstage Cody beat up Booker T. I didn't pay any attention to this match at all.

WWE Championship TLC Match: CM Punk (c) vs Alberto Del Rio vs The Miz

I think this was alright. CM Punk being all :) while being all anti-authority is kind of a weird mix. Miz still sucks. Del Rio still sucks. Best moment was definitely Ricardo Rodriguez flying from the ring on a ladder to the floor through a table. MY GOD IT KILLED'IM.

Punk retained after he got handcuffed to the second rope but unscrewed the turnbuckle and kicked people and retrieved his belt.

It's no Eddie and Benoit being world champions,'s something.

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