Thursday, December 22, 2011

Scott Watches WCW Saturday Night (Jan. 15, 1994)

THE MOTHERSHIP! "Rising star Erik Watts." STILL?! SITLL!? FU(CJK!J@

Tony and Jesse are here.

Paul Orndorff & Paul Roma (w/The Assassin) vs 2 Cold Scorpio & Marcus Alexander Bagwell (w/Teddy Long)

I know more about Orndorff & Roma at this point than I care to admit. Roma and Bagwell start it off because they clearly are in love. Orndorff gets the tag, nice drop toe-hold from Bagwell. You can certainly say that these teams have developed some chemistry. Well, maybe not enough, as Orndorff almost runs into Scorpio on one of his exaggerated drops to the mat for a rope-running segment. Bagwell's hair is awesome. I should grow some hair like that. Get buff. Shave.

I could pull off the hair part, I think. Maybe. Orndorff does a stun-gun that looks better than Austin's but it doesn't finish the match. Bagwell is Morton and that is a bad Ricky Morton. This show needs the Rock n' Roll Express. And Tim Horner. And Armstrongs that aren't Brian. Scorpio gets the hot tag and finishes Roma off with a cradle. Orndorff flattens him on a lariat right after. See this is how a wrestling show should work. (To be clear, I don't know where my brain is at - if it's with 2011 wrestling or like 1999 wrestling, when I'm complaining about "today")

Flyin' Brian is here to complain about how the Hollywood Blondes were a team destined for greatness, but Stunning Steve sold out to Col. Parker. This is a weird feud - they were heels. Pillman's acting like they were a couple of nice young men. All they did was fuckin cheat and shit.

Tony and Gene have microphones, but Jesse doesn't hold his own because fuck you.

Ron Simmons vs Scott Studd

Ron is gearing up for a big showdown at the Clash against Ice Train. "That should be a classic matchup," says Tony. Sure, why not. Jesse really loves this "Ron Simmons sold Florida State out to a recent opponent" bit. Simmons is wasting no time here. This is a good heel turn - he's not really doing anything differently, he's just not happy about anything anymore. Clearly this is a troubled man, angry at life. A former world champion who cracked under the pressure, couldn't hold on to the glory, and fell apart mentally. His career never quite came back to him. Spinebuster finishes thins. Some still cheer Ron. Some have caught on. I bet if I'd paid more attention in 1994 I would have been dying for a Ron Simmons vs The Boss feud.

Gene speaks with Ron. "He will tell you hisself he is not ready for this match." Ice Train is here. "Tell 'em, brother. Tell 'em, daddy." There's been a mistake. Ice Train refers to him as "Mr. Simmons." Ice Train is respectful. "You like money?" "Yes, sir." "You like fast cars?" "Yes, sir." "You like women?" "Yes, sir." "You keep in this match, you ain't gonna get none of 'em." This is great. Simmons open-hand slaps the shit out of Ice Train. "It's on! It's on!" Ice Train is a worse actor than Tyrin Turner in Menace II Society, but other than that this is good stuff.

WCW Control Center update for the Clash. Oh and SuperBrawl IV. stingandFLAIR SIDEBYSIDE. VADERNRUDE. That Clash lineup is pretty good. I'm looking forward to it. Shit yeah!

Dustin Rhodes vs The Gambler

FUCK YES the Gambler. And he DIES on a clothesline. Goddamn the Gambler was good. Bulldog ends it in short order. I want a Gambler-Scott Studd match. See what they can do.

Cactus Jack & Maxx Payne vs Bob Cook & The Sheik

That's not the real Sheik. Just in case you're that nuts. Bob Cook's President vote comes from, according to Tony, "The Get a Life Fan Club." Ohhhhhh. Maxx (or Cactus) get roses on the apron. Jack wants to jump on the Sheik with his elbow to the floor, but the Sheik scampers. Bob Cook takes his licks, and now the Sheik gets a turn. This guy is horrible. Holy crap. Paynekiller ends it. Thankfully the awful Sheik has to take the loss.

Cactus Jack cuts one of his promos that he thinks is awesome because he quotes the Flintstones song. Because that's crazy! That Cactus Jack, he is out there. Fuck I hate this tag team. What a waste of Cactus Jack. Did we need to prop up Maxx Payne?

World Television Title: Erik Watts vs Lord Steven Regal (c, w/Sir William)

Auuuuuuuuuuugh. Watts starts fast and has a nice roll going, but then Regal uh, moves out of the way of something and rolls up Watts and that's it. I guess at least it didn't go 10 minutes to a draw, and Ventura sells it well if you're gonna sell Watts: "Erik Watts won 80% of this match."

Tex Slazenger (w/Shanghai Pierce) vs Johnny B. Badd

This is happening because Johnny feels these men are ugly, so he wants to get the mask off of Shanghai Pierce. "So pretty. These kids are what it's all about." Oh not so good, John B. Badd rolls Tex up and that means Shanghai has to take off his mask, I guess. I don't know.

John B. calls Gene pretty. What a dickhole this guy is. Last Sunday on Main Event, Austin said he'd bring Rick Rude for a tag match.

Stunning Steve Austin (w/Col. Parker) vs Flyin' Brian (w/chickenhead)

I think this is non-title and all that. Austin and Pillman run through their match that they do, including Austin turning the tide by leveling Pillman with a clothesline while Pillman chases Parker around the ring. These guys had no incentive to do anything more than formula. Soon enough they'd have even less. The new commissioner of WCW is coming to the Clash, by the way. They keep talking about that. But who cares? Commissioners, GMs, fuck it. Tony thinks Ray Stevens will be the Commissioner. "Can he write?" asks Jesse. Slam on Ray Stevens!

Austin works an armbar for a little while. Tony keeps saying "chickenhead" which just makes me picture him all hipster white girl trying to be ghetto or "hood" (I'M FROM THERE YOU DON'T KNOW THAT'S HOW WE BE DO IT BE DOIN IT, etc etc, I know) dancing around in the "Gucci Gucci" video. Now don't get me wrong, I dig "Gucci Gucci," but Kreayshawn is just like anything else now, totally lacking in authenticity and realness and what have you, painted up like Halloween and becoming an insider through being a fake outsider. But Tony Schiavone dancing is always a good visual - and I mean fat Tony from the latter days of WCW, when he'd begun to hate his entire life. I love Tony Schiavone.

Austin takes a bit of a beating but Pillman hesitates and gets thrown out to ringside, where Parker gets a shot in. Austin slams him back in, but Pillman gets the momentum and gets the pin in a non-title matchup. Austin gets after him and Parker puts the chickenhead on Pillman - no he doesn't, Dustin Rhodes runs in, thank God, to stop this from happening.

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