Thursday, December 22, 2011

Scott Watches WCW Main Event (Jan. 9, 1994)

The Main Event was always the worst of these shows. Or maybe it was the Pro. Let's get to it. Tony and Larry Zbyszko are your hosts.

The Shockmaster vs Chris Sullivan

Shockmaster rolls out a fat attack right away. Everything is more or less him running into Chris Sullivan or playfully allowing Chris Sullivan to run into him. There's his horrid squeeze slam. That's that. Shockmaster has different music here. I don't know why he's still The Shockmaster, really. He shocks nothing and masters even less.

The Clash is coming on Thursday, January 27. Let's talk about Scorpio & Bagwell feuding with Roma & Orndorff. Larry Zbyszko poorly uses words. Here's some clips from last night's Saturday Night.

Paul Roma & Paul Orndorff (w/The Assassin) vs Brian Armstrong & Scott Studd

David Penzer is no Gary Michael Cappetta, but that's life. Let's see if Armstrong, in a really weird singlet sort of thing instead of American flag trunks like he had on the previous day's Worldwide, can do better with Scott Studd than he did with AJ Styles' dad. Scott Studd is The Diamond Studd's brother. Actually Armstrong has flags ON that ugly ass singlet. That thing is hideous. Terrible, terrible fashion choice, but this is the cracker who would later have that silly haircut, so what can you expect? That shitty Eric Church song "Homeboy" was actually about the Road Dogg, sung from the perspective of Scott Armstrong. Brian gets a hot tag from the reeling Scott Studd and gets the sort of offensive flurry allowed to all Armstrong brothers by birth, then starts losing again. Roma rocks his skull around on a power slam, then hits the flying splash for the win. "I think you were wrong, Tony, he used three fingers that time." Hey now.

Schiavone interviews the Pauls. The Assassin talks, sort of, as his mask doesn't fit very well. why didn't he just get a new mask that could fit all his jell-o fat in it? That said, it's a good promo. Here come Scorpio, Bagwell and Long. Wrestling promos are great with English sometimes. "You talk about a superior team, you lookin' at a superior team!" Roma and Bagwell try to have a conversation, then Bagwell winds up sucker-punching Orndorff. What a dick. They all fight in the ring, and the good guys get the better of it.

It's alcohol free, 'cause...alcohol burns.

Mean Gene updates us on the upcoming Clash. "A chicken suit, of all things."

The Cole Twins vs Tex Slazenger & Shanghai Pierce

The Coles are just the shits and the Godwinns aren't good enough to make this interesting. I'm not calling them the Godwinns to let you know that I know that they are the Godwinns, just that it's quicker to type than Tex & Shanghai. But they're not a bad power team -- they're probably a bit better than Disorderly Conduct, though not dramatically better than DC. Godwinns win because the Coles really don't belong here. They belong here less than Nasty Ned or Scott Studd.


TBS presents the US Open figure skating tonight. This is back when TBS was a real channel that did something interesting now and then instead of just plugging in Just Shoot Me and Yes Dear all day. If you like Zack and you like Slater, you'll love Mike. (Growing Pains)

Here's Diamond Dallas Page. I basically get no escape from this goon from this point forward. Something about DDP and a fishbowl and who knows. he says "chump" twice in five words. AIN'T NO NAMES ON THIS. Z-Man is in the fucking ring. Why. Oh no. Is this a DDP vs Z-Man feud. I don't even know what's happening.

Z-Man vs Bryant Anderson

Ole's son was too short and shit but otherwise he was a pretty cool looking dude and knew how to pretend like he knew why he was working the arm. Apparently Z-Man is back for the first time in a while. They should have brought him back in '99 too for some Saturday Night feuds. They should have done a Zenk/Roma tag team in '99. Z-Man does nothing but lands a crappy superkick for the win. Fuck back off, Z-Man.

Wait Tony will talk to him. Why? Pushing him never worked before. Remember when they put together that stupid Z-Man & Johnny Gunn video and then they just lost to The Wrecking Crew? Z-Man wants a piece of Diamond Dallas Page. "So if you wanna sign it? NOW? Any time anywhere Page!"

Monday: On Wings of Eagles. 8:05 EST.

Stunning Steve Austin vs Larry Santo

Larry Santo has a cool orange jacket. "I tell ya, what a match this isn't gonna be." Larry thinks Austin can become the Larry Zbyszko of the 90s. Match barely even happens. After the match Pillman runs in and Dustin Rhodes joins him with the head of the chicken suit. The stun-gun was a horrible finisher.

Tony speaks with Stunning Steve and Col. Parker. "That just about does it! The United States champion, ME!" Austin picks his contenders, but he's got a partner - Ravishing Rick Rude. They'll face Pillman and Rhodes this Sundee.

There was some Sting feature video that wasn't in here. Oh well.

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