Monday, December 19, 2011

Scott Watches WCW Halloween Havoc '93

Let's just go home and watch Halloween Havoc and forget about this one. WAH-WAH. Sisters what a pain. Who BROUGHT her.

Tony Schiavone is incredible here. Holy shit.

WHY IS ERIC BISCHOFF GENERAL CUSTER? Oh right it's Halloween. Tony is Jesse. Jesse is a ... scary doctor or something. "I'm Bourbon Street's number one gynecologist!"

October 24, 1993 from the Lakefront Arena in New Orleans.

Harlem Heat & The Equalizer vs The Shockmaster, Ice Train & Charlie Norris

Equalizer repeatedly threatens to rip the faces off of their foes during the entrance.

Babyfaces start with the better chemistry. Ventura is in love with Ice Train's build. And also with Shockmaster being clumsy. Ice Train winds up the nice man the tide is turned upon. Equalizer finally gets a chance and MAN can that guy kick things and rake some eyes. Heat on Ice Train doesn't last long. Shockmaster vs Equalizer sounds like a rad monster truck feud.

Shockmaster is mad over in New Orleans. Crowd also did a "whoomp there it is" chant for a while. Bearhug and slam from Shockmaster on Booker T ends this thing, and Shockmaster and Equalizer have not settled their differences. Just a couple of big ol' boys fighting.

Ric Flair vs Rick Rude will have two referees later. Terry Taylor will be the second referee. So he's back. Yay.

Paul Orndorff (w/The Assassin) vs Ricky Steamboat

No one knows why Assassin is here. He just is. Gary Michael Cappetta knew. The match is alright -- pretty 1986ish, which is fine, but my interest level in Orndorff is generally fairly low. Seems like a cool guy, and is obviously a fine wrestler, but eh. Slow pace, as Steamboat is not exactly in 1989 form himself anymore. The whole Assassin thing is more a distraction than anything for the first bit of the match. Steamboat repeatedly rams Orndorff's shoulder into things made of metal. Ventura's right here -- Steamboat has lost his shit. Even Schiavone has to admit Steamboat has gone nuts tonight. Man Orndorff's getting his ass kicked in this match. This is getting kind of sad. And the people taunt him by chanting "Paula." Lay off, guys. He's getting killed. He doesn't need to be insulted anymore.

So this match is basically in reverse, with Orndorff needing a comeback. And he gets it. And damn but I'm inspired. Paul Orndorff is one of the finest athletes in the history of our great sport. Nick Patrick is having a bitch of a time here. This is some kind of rough-housin' fun ass match. Orndorff wins via countout when the loaded hood comes into play and the Assassin cracks Steamboat with a headbutt. I think this match is supposed to be bad but then 1993 WCW is supposed to be terrible and I dunno, it's stupid sometimes but mostly OK. This match was good. I liked the interesting structure.

World Television Title: Davey Boy Smith vs Lord Steven Regal (c, w/Sir William)

This is a match because the Lord believes that Mr. Smith is a commoner. I guess he's right. And Davey probably shouldn't be physically fighting royalty. What a conundrum. Regal is a prick, and deserves what's for, but still. What about loyalty? What would the Queen think?

Regal doesn't even want to touch this disgusting turd. Smith frustrates Regal with his ability to scientifically and Europeanly wrestle with him. Tony Schiavone calls a cravate ten years before Chris Hero or whoever the fuck introduced the term to most (most, mind you) American nerds. Schiavone is so good this show that I'm not even missing Jim Ross. I ain't missin' Jim at all. (Missin' Jim...)

Regal puts it together and starts outclassing Smith pretty thoroughly. Bulldog needs some time to catch his breath anyway. That walk to the ring was a bitch. Anyway the final seven minutes or so of the match largely consist of Regal keeping Smith in holds on the mat. When it's not a hold, Smith is still on the mat, hanging out, tired, worthless, clearly not on Regal's level, and then Davey Boy pulls an incredibly lame Superman comeback with a minute to go. All of a sudden he's not tired or hurt or beaten up or anything. It's hard to buy because he so thoroughly slugged this shit -- and I mean the little gushy bug thing, not like, slugged it out, heavy hitting. Bulldog gets two on a powerslam, then takes forever to set up and execute a piledriver, which would have won the match but doesn't. Time limit draw. Match is all Regal.

It is now time to spin the wheel and make the deal for tonight's Vader vs Cactus Jack main event. For some reason, Vader attempts to intimidate the wheel before and during the spin. It's a Texas Death Match. Hooray!

United States Heavyweight Title: Stunning Steve Austin vs Dustin Rhodes (c)

These two met at Halloween Havoc '91 for Austin's TV title and have also been in 2040499 other matches. Whenever some asshole compares Dustin Rhodes to Erik Watts, I give my computer THE FINGER. Ventura calls Rhodes' outfit gay. Hey, this is another really good match. This show is, like, pretty good, y'all. Not quite the HEINOUS SHIT STINK STORM FUCK of legend. Heat is a little low here, but Austin is tremendous, and Rhodes was a great, great, great rallying babyface. Another "whoomp there it is" chant goes up but this one isn't as strong as the one from earlier. Goddamn Dustin throws a good right hand coming back from peril. Austin goes for the stun-gun, Rhodes counters with punches, so basically a Thsz press. Patrick counts to 3 with Austin's feet on the ropes, but changes his mind, and Rhodes rolls up an unsuspecting Austin. What a pile of shit decision by Nick Patrick! That is fucking terrible officiating. Austin clocks Rhodes with the belt and leaves with it, since he believes, and rightly so, that it's his. Dustin blades on the belt shot just because he's his daddy's son.

Ventura goes crazy over the finish -- a valid question, "Why would Nick Patrick count three if he saw the foot?

Last night on the Mothership, the Nasty Boys lost the tag team titles to Bagwell & Scorpio. Peanuthead Long is back in the corner of the new champs. No dildo key.

World Tag Team Title: Nasty Boys (w/Missy Hyatt) vs 2 Cold Scorpio & Marcus Bagwell (c, w/Teddy Long)

Dude, I don't care what no one says. Missy Hyatt was hot. I'll leave it at "was" so I don't have to have an uncomfortable conversation with myself. When last we saw 2 Cold & Marcus Alexander, Scorpio was very enthusiastic about in the future acquiring the belts. So they have about a month later, ending the short reign of the Nasty Boys. Bagwell is a shitty dancer. They also have a poor high five routine. There's a goddamn "Whoomp there it is" chant again. Apparently that was a Saints thing. Good to know. I assumed that was just a bigger cultural phenomenon than I remembered.

Hey, this is pretty good too! The Nasty Boys were, in their prime, not bad at all, plus the Hyatt connection makes me a sucker for their work here. Her slapping the shit out of Bagwell is outstanding. Missy was a born heel manager; all that ditzy blonde shit they had her do was a waste of everyone's time. Scorpio hits the 450 on Knobbs, but Sags hits him with a boot and the Nastys get their belts back just like that.

Yo, what the fuck is wrong with some damnfools? This show is good.

Col. Parker being almost as tall as Sid is not a great visual. Sid is going to take Sting's soul.

Sid Vicious (w/Col. Parker) vs Sting

This match is to find out just who the franchise of WCW really is. Tony points out that Sting doesn't look all that hyped up about this match -- "Just another day." These two were the main event back at Halloween Havoc '90, and it sucked a dick. This starts with brawling around the outside. Sid with the chokeslam! Shit yeah! Sid's chokeslam ruled back when he used just the one hand to execute the move. Sid delivers history's worst chair shot. Sid had the worst chinlocks ever -- and he always blatantly talked during them. The man is so bad.

In the crowd, this young man says "sucks!" over and over and five years later, Tony Schiavone would have been convinced this was the real Sting:

Eventually Sting makes his comeback and starts whippin' some ass. Thank God. I've become a much, much bigger Sting fan going back and watching all this WCW. Two Stinger splashes seal the rally, Col. Parker gets decked, and oh no, rally not sealed, as Sid pops back up after Parker is laid out. But Parker is back and he accidentally grabs Sid's food and trips him, and then they argue, and Sid's all mad, and Sting rolls Sid up for the win. Vicious stays down from that as though he just got hit with two Stinger Splashes. Fucking Sid. Goddamn. Sid and the Col. have issues!

Backstage, Vader punches Harley Race's palms and Cactus Jack rocks with his sack, repeating, "You can't hurt Cactus Jack."

International World (?) Heavyweight Title: Ric Flair vs Rick Rude (c)

After the first match was pretty decent, I'm still not all that interested in watching this one. What a strange exchange this is:

Ventura: "Fifi's looking awful good for somebody who spends her life on her knees scrubbing floors."

Schiavone: "Well that's the way beautiful women are, Jesse. They can be on the floor just scrubbing away, but ya pick 'em up, take 'em out on the town, and they look wonderful."

Flair starts fast, and gets the figure four, to which New Orleans responds, "Whoomp! There it is!" What a bunch of fucking assholes. Down in the Treme my ass. Rude slows this down because Rude always slows it down. Rude works on a bad knee but dominates the match because Flair is Old. Rude winds up going to the well one too many times on his flying punch to the top of the head, and Flair hits the Rude Awakening. Flair jumps off the top and eats boot. On and on it goes, and Flair cracks Rude with a foreign object, and Taylor goes to count, but Randy Anderson saw the no-no, and Rude wins by DQ.

I ain't that into Rude vs Flair. Just ain't that into it.

Texas Death Match: Vader vs Cactus Jack

GMC: "Ladies and gentlemen! We spun the wheel! Now it's time to complete the deal!"

Schiavone: "Cactus Jack lost his memory! Lost his home! His family! Lost his bag! made it back! got the bag back! And now he's got Vader!"

They brawl right away. Jack is insane, hitting Vader with a fan's camera and then a chair. In the ring, Vader comes back with a lariat. Vader takes a suplex onto the runway. What's so awesome about this era of Cactus Jack is, you know, everything, and he and Vader are perfect opponents. These are just hellacious matches. And it hits me watching this main event that I'm getting so dangerously close to Hulk Hogan entering the Mission From God. Hulk Hogan.

Both bloodied, Vader crawling out of a grave when he first shows "the color." Cactus gets a pinfall on the ramp after a clothesline, then there's a 30-second rest period. ? That's not a ... oh fuck it. It's WCW. Jack continues the assault, and drops the elbow off the ramp to the concrete. Another pin, another 30 second rest period -- OK, you get 30 seconds and then a 10-count after that. What the fuck.

Vader makes his comeback, and Race has a tazer, and he's all GET OUTTA HERE CAMERA-MAN, and it's like, why? There aren't disqualifications in this match, you dumb old drama queen. Vader with the moonsault, that gets a three and the exciting rest period. Vader with his punch bit in the corner, then we go back out to the runway. Harley Race doesn't seem like he's quite sure what he wants to do out here. Jack gets on Vader's back, and Vader... drops to the ramp in what is one of the nastiest-looking bumps you'll ever see. God that was uglier than the first Hell in the Cell fall. Chairshot. Cactus Jack may be dead. Race keeps going GROWL GROWL DO A THING.

Medics come out. Vader tells them to fuck off. By God that's right. There's a pin, now another rest period. Ventura says, "Rest period?" He just caught on. Harley Race has that taser out again. Boy Race is just not on point. Oh this is going all goofy as they start fighting before Cappetta can finish his count, which fucks Cappetta's count up as he doesn't perform under pressure. Race lets the tazer go off a couple times, then puts it on Jack's leg, and down goes Jack, and Vader is up at ... oh fuck this shit. Goddamn it. Even a match this awesome managed to get all dicked up.

But the match was awesome, and Race was almost hilariously awful in this match, so that's pretty memorable. Race also, to his credit, takes a double arm DDT on the ramp. To little credit he gets up and walks away a few seconds later.

That's it! This show is much better than you've been led to believe! See you next time!

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