Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Scott Watches WCW Battlebowl '93

Boy you just never know with Battlebowl!

November 20 from the Civic Center in Pensacola. I wonder if Roy Jones Jr is here? Tony and Jesse are still our hosts. Backstage, the good and bad guys, in even numbers, huddle around one another in opposing dressing rooms. This is the first year that Battlebowl has been its own PPV, as the two prior years it polluted Starrcade (1991 and 1992).

Mean Gene and Fifi will draw the names. Fifi is still around, and still hangs out around wrestling, and still is very attractive. Anyway, first name: Cactus Jack. Shockingly, Vader has to team with Jack. Boy. I can't believe it. In the other corner, Kole of Harlem Heat gets the call, but Kane (Stevie Ray) goes out, and he'll team with Charlie Norris. Kole is all, "What?!" when he doesn't get the call, but he DID get the call, so whatever. Who fucked this up?

Cactus Jack & Vader vs Kane & Charlie Norris

This starts great with the wrong Harlem Heat guy, and Harley Race trying to get Vader under control, but Vader hits Race, and then Race has to talk to him some more, and he's all, "YOU HAFTA DO IT. YOU CAN'T. WIN. BATTLEBOWL!" Harley Race was just an awful manager, but also great. Race keeps Jack and Vader apart on the floor. Man Harley is dedicated to this idea. VADER YOU'VE GOTTA GET ALONG WITH HIM. YOU JUST HAFTA. YOU CAN'T. WIN. BATTLEBOWL!

Oh. And Charlie Norris is also here. He does some Indian chops, but Jack takes him to the corner and gets the tag to Vader. So now we've got Charlie Norris in with Vader. It's kind of like one of those Alabama vs Kent State games. Vader and Cactus work together! Harley has done some incredible work here. It's like Remember the Titans. Luckily Stevie Ray gets in there to show off his athleticism and his excellent clothesline. And then he starts getting in Vader's grill, but Vader's like, fuck you, and he doesn't interfere. Jack goes into Ricky Morton mode because God knows you wouldn't just want the main eventers to tear through Kane and Charlie fuck Norris. Kane eats the double arm DDT and gets the tag to Vader, and Norris gets the tag and starts Indian chopping him and shit. But Vader's like, fuck you, and goes all John Wayne on him. Custer was a cunt! The end.

Charlie Norris is power bombed with Vader falling backwards into the ropes, and Vader and Cactus win and move on to BATTLEBOWL!

Back to Mean Gene and Fifi. Mean Gene offers to eat her. ... Anyway.

Paul Roma & Erik Watts vs Johnny B. Badd & Brian Knobbs

Missy has some awful hair extensions. Badd and Knobbs argue about the proper way to "do it." Oh good Erik Watts is in. There's his DROPKICK! He's like YEAH! And Tony goes "great ovation for Erik Watts" but not really. Badd tags in and shakes Watts' hand to drive home the fact that Badd is goodd while Knobbs is badd. This sucks. Who thought to team up Roma and Watts? You were just asking the crowd to die. Jesse gets bored so he tries to talk about Watts' football career at Louisville, and then Knobbs gets the cheap pin on Watts. Johnny B. Badd is all like "not cool bro" because he doesn't win that way. Fuck you, Johnny B. Badd.

Gene and Fifi are coming close to straight up fingering.

The Shockmaster & Paul Orndorff vs Ricky Steamboat & Lord Steven Regal

But wait! Steamboat and Regal, they don't like each other at all! I assume Shockmaster and Orndorff don't either, but, why, Steamboat and Regal have WRESTLED! My enjoyment of the Lethal Lottery has wavered again. Shockmaster starts a Paula chant, and Orndorff is like, "What the fuck dude? I'm your partner." Orndorff is a pro. Orndorff and Steamboat get nasty outside the ring again. Steamboat and Orndorff cruise for a bit and then Steamboat is all "double knock!" and they collide their heads. Then they both tag out.

Ventura starts with the politics. At least he and Pillman aren't blaming the Japanese for making better cars. Shockmaster does some stuff, tags out, and starts a "Paula" chant again. Regal offers Orndorff a handshake. Steamboat yells at Orndorff. Like Steamboat's never shaken someone's hand before. Steamboat is getting weird - he's starting to lose his shit a little bit. Regal and Orndorff decide to wrestle and Steamboat keeps having a fit. So Steamboat tags in. He's kinda stalking around like a crazy person. He's really becoming unhinged. All these years of being too nice have caught up with him. He's cracking out there.

Regal wants to use the umbrella, but Steamboat won't let him and he hits Regal with it, and then Shockmaster gets the splash for the win. Orndorff is cool with it. Steamboat is nuts. Someone needs to help that guy out.

Here's some video from a press...uh...conference? I don't think that's a press conference. That's just Vader wearing a suit. Gene says there are promoters and building managers from all over the world gathered here, but it's just an empty room and the only thing being shot is Gene and suited up Vader. Vader looks kind of like Tony Soprano in a mask. If Tony Soprano were more of a hillbilly. There are people from all these cities being named. The greatest cities in the world. But Starrcade '93 will take place in Charlotte. Right. I bet it came down to Charlotte, São Paulo, and Des Moines.

Anyway Ric Flair shows up and challenges Vader, and puts his career on the line to boot. MUWAHAHAHAHAHA I'M VADER. Vader recounts all the times he's injured people, including Joe Thurman. Race says, "Involved in the first...and the last." Good line, Harley. Starrcade will end if Vader beats Flair. Good thinking.

Gene and Fifi continue their verbal fucking. Next match!

Awesome Kong & The Equalizer vs King Kong & Dustin Rhodes

Oh holy shit. Poor Dustin Rhodes. Equalizer is king of having some shit to say to the camera while he enters for a match. Even if it's "Right here! Battlebowl, baby, right here, right here!" Every time Equalizer needs to run the ropes and come off into an opponent's maneuver, he telegraphs it more than should be humanly possible in major league wrestling. Rhodes dropkicks Awesome Kong a couple times but can't knock him down. I don't know how many morbidly obese people you have met, reader, but balance is really not one of their strong suits. The Kongs are so fat. Dustin bulldogs Awesome Kong to end this experiment.

Alright, we get it. Gene and Fifi are gonna fuck.

Sting & Jerry Sags vs Ron Simmons & Keith Cole

Oh God, the Cole brothers. So Keith Cole considers starting the match, but instead tags out to Ron Simmons to start with Sags. Jesse keeps insinuating that Ron Simmons helped Notre Dame beat Florida State in that famous '93 game that just happened, and every time he says it, Tony says, "Now wait a minute," but then he doesn't follow that up. Ventura compliments the Cole brothers by saying they may not always win, but they have the ability to win. Pensacola chants for Sting while Cole and Sags fuck around. You can't really blame them - they've been sitting through some real crap.

Eventually Sting and Simmons get in and finally the crowd cares. Sting kinda dominates poor Ron, who executes a drop toe-hold and tags Keith Cole in. Great. Keith Cole. I was hoping that backslide would be it, but nah, Cole kicks out and this continues with Jerry Sags back in the ring.

This drags on until finally Sting and Simmons are in together again. Simmons just can't handle Sting and it's upsetting him greatly. A competitive man, Ron Simmons is used to being a winner, but Sting is just too good. Simmons clocks him with a right hand instead of giving him a clean break. Powerslam from Simmons. He's all angry now. Boot across the eyes. Yells at Cole, who tags in and sheepishly puts Sting in an armbar because he doesn't want to be mean or anything. What the fuck, Keith Cole, you pussy. Ron Simmons is rightly pissed off - "What are you doin'?!" Simmons wants back in. Kick to the gut. Face slam. Ron Simmons is great here. Simmons catapults him under the bottom rope. Simmons isn't fucking around any further. Simmons tells Cole to finish him off. Cole twists the arm. Keith Cole you sorry sack of crap. This is why you failed. So Sting starts kicking Keith Cole's ass because Cole refuses to win. What a loser. Ron Simmons is in agony on the apron.

Ron Simmons being disgusted by pussified rookies is a great angle. Sags gets the tag during Sting's Stinger Splash, then drops a flying elbow and wins the match. Simmons is pissed. Simmons isn't going to Battlebowl because the chump partner he was given fucked it up. Sting checks on Cole. Why? Why does Sting care about Keith Cole? He lost clean and fair. You did the majority of the damage! Simmons beats the shit out of that loser Keith Cole. SPINEBUSTER! FUCK YES! RON SIMMONS IS A MAN!

OK, seriously. We get it. Gene and Fifi. Every time. We get it. it's gotten.

Stunning Steve Austin & Ric Flair vs Maxx Payne & 2 Cold Scorpio

Maxx Payne is a good guy now unlike last we saw him. After Maxx Payne and his dark neo-noir bullshit stink out the joint for a couple minutes, Scorpio and Austin are in there to do something interesting. Then Flair gets in with Scorpio, which I hope lasts a bit since I'm starting to like Scorpio more (I'm making up my mind on Scorpio) and find this idea intriguing. Scorpio holding his own with both top stars.

Now though we get to the real thrill: seeing Maxx Payne go at it with Ric Flair. Flair decides quickly that this slug is not for him. This is pretty decent when Scorpio's in there but the whole match is about working on a Flair vs Austin storyline for later on down the road, and since I know that basically doesn't ever happen, this is dragging some amount of ass. Flair and Austin work together for the most part - Flair makes sure Scorpio can't tag out when he tags Austin in. It's more one-upsmanship than anything, plus Flair doesn't like Col. Parker. It's certainly nothing to do with Flair being against cheating or something. He just thinks Austin's a punk and Parker's a dickhead.

Maxx Payne's contributions to this match are occasionally coming into the ring and lazily breaking up pin attempts. In the end the useful Scorpio does all the work but then isn't forced to take the fall, as Flair gets Payne out with the figure four.

Rick Rude & Shanghai Pierce vs Tex Slazenger & Marcus Alexander Bagwell

Shanghai calls someone in the crowd a faggot early on, and then he and Rude argue over Shanghai and Tex having an inability to fight one another. Rude is really distressed out there. He's not interested in this. Slazenger and Bagwell argue. Bagwell looks a little overwhelmed. This match is terrible. Who gives a fuck about Tex Slazenger and Shanghai Pierce? Crowd dies. Bagwell gets beaten up for an eternity. Rick Rude sweats like a 700 pound man standing on the apron. This match is rael fuckin' bad, by far the worst of the night. Seriously Rude must have had the flu or something here because he looks awful. Eventually Tex and Shanghai do fight, as if anyone cares about this momentous occasion, and Rude takes a blind tag and hits the Rude Awakening on Tex for the long-awaited fall. Tex and Shanghai are beating up Bagwell after the match. Who cares! Jesus!

Road Warrior Hawk & Rip Rogers vs Davey Boy Smith & Kole

Rip Rogers is awesome. "WHOA! I'M GOIN TO BATTLEBOWL AND I GOT HAWK AS A PARTNER! I'M GONNA WIN! And then Hawk punches him on the runway because he's annoying. Hawk and Davey Boy are all like, "High five, bro, let's wrestle." This is basically a singles match between Hawk and Kole, and then Rip Rogers gets thrown onto Kole for the pin. davey Boy doesn't much care, just high fives Hawk. Davey Boy Smith had no pride.

Thank God this is almost over. This is terrible. I can't takes no more. And remaining is a goddamn battle royal.

Battlebowl: Cactus Jack, Vader, Johnny B. Badd, Brian Knobbs, The Shockmaster, Paul Orndorff, King Kong, Dustin Rhodes, Sting, Jerry Sags, Stunning Steve Austin, Ric Flair, Rick Rude, Shanghai Pierce, Road Warrior Hawk, Rip Rogers

What a lineup. Battlebowl is "the ultimate in competition in professional wrestling." My ass.

In order of elimination: Rip Rogers, Shanghai Pierce. Apparently if you get thrown over but onto the ramp, you're not eliminated. Johnny B. Badd, Cactus Jack, Paul Orndorff, King Kong, The Shockmaster. Then the rest of the guys fight for a long time. This is one drawn out battle royal. Rhodes blades. Jerry Sags, Brian Knobbs, Dustin Rhodes. Rick Rude, Road Warrior Hawk. So the final four is Sting, Flair, Vader and Austin. Flair and Austin pair off. Then Vader beats up Flair on the ramp while Sting puts Austin in the scorpion, or well, he was gonna, but he goes out to get Vader. And now everyone fights on the runway. Flair gets carted out while he keeps going OH GOD. AH GOD. OH GOD. You know like Ric Flair does. OH DON'T HURT ME. GOD. DAMN. OH. YOU'RE KILLIN ME. GOD. Jesus, Ric. Then Race tries to flip over the stretcher.

Sting's down in the ring, so Austin and Vader both go up top for some reason. Sting supermans all over the place on both of them. Then he gets overcome and pinballed around. Couple of splashes on Sting. Fuck this battle royal is too long. Goddamn they just keep going. So Austin is knocked to the ramp, then falls from the ramp to the floor, and that means he's eliminated. Holy shit, come ON. Sting stays on the ramp so he's good to continue. This show is such a pile of garbage. Anyway Vader wins after a 25-minute crawl of a battle royal.

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