Saturday, December 24, 2011

Scott Watches Smoky Mountain Wrestling (Feb. 8, 1992)

Just to break up the WCW monotony for a little bit, here's an episode of Smoky Mountain Wrestling from 1992. Should be exciting. There's that old joke about how the 80s stayed in Canada for a while, but I think it's indisputable that they also kept rolling through the Smoky Mountains -- that's why that geek Chris Jericho became a hot young babyface star. He'd almost entered 1991 by the time he got to SMW, so he was pretty modern. But that was later. This is 1992, my personal favorite year of wrestling ever thanks to the excellence of 1992 WCW.

Memorial Auditorium from Greenville, SC. "Wrestling the way it USED to be, and the way you like it!" Yeah, somewhat. Bob Caudle and Jim Cornette are here -- well, I do like that.

Tim Fry (215, Little Rock, AR) vs Hollywood Bob Holly (228, Hollywood, CA)

Only in Smoky Mountain or a lesser more backwoods nothing of a promotion could a buck-toothed hillbilly motherfucker like Bob Holly be "Hollywood." Bob Holly is dressed up in a pair of Bret Hart's old tights with the logos removed. I think Tim Fry might be a better rassler than Jack Swagger. I know Bob Holly is, no matter what year it is, including 2011. Ron Wright is ringside all crippled and needing money for A Surgery so he's looking to make some money as a manager and is scouting Hollywood Bob. Or maybe Tim Fry. Who knows? Bob does nothing special, but then he never did. He seems like a Grade-A cocksucker but he was a pretty good wrestler, although he was sort of good in the way that the Best Show on Turf Rams were good, or this year's Patriots. It's pretty awesome to watch them on offense. Holly "dominates," sort of, and then drops a big ass flying knee and drops the straps. He dropped the straps to pin him. Alright then.

Here's Ivan Koloff and Vladimir Petrov. Great accents as always. Keep in mind this is 1992 and they're doing the hammer and sickle routine. Fuckin Tennessee.

Here's Rock n' Roll Robert Gibson. He had serious knee surgery. He's ready to come back to rassle. Rock n roll never dies, see ya. Right on.

Hustler Rip Rogers (222¼, Seymour, IN) vs Paul Orndorff (235, Tampa, FL)

Oh fuck me, it's more Paul Orndorff. Orndorff doesn't want to sell dolls and he wants to play up to these hillbilly redneck stinkin fans. Rogers has this weird hitch in his giddy-up where he always takes about an extra step to do anything. Orndorff hits him with the microphone outside because whatever, why not. Orndorff wonders if he should elbow him in the nuts, and he should, so he does. "With the state of professional wrestling these days, he's had to come here to Smoky Mountain Wrestling to find some competition," says Cornette. Rip Rogers gets the sleeper and Orndorff is fading pretty quickly. Rip may have the greatest sleeper of all time. Orndorff starts fighting and runs Rip into the corner. Rogers winds up in the Andre in the ropes spot. So Orndorff punches him twice. Boy this thing is just back and forth. Rip goes for a piledriver, but Orndorff backdrops out (piledrivers are illegal in SMW). Orndorff pins him there. Orndorff is blown right the fuck up by the end of this thing. Rip Rogers ran him ragged. He really is a Hustler.

Bob Caudle is with Nitro Danny Davis. Nitro Danny says there is nothing like live wrestling. Agreed, actually. No joke. You get too close to Nitro Danny and shake him up he's gonna explode on you. Commissioner Bob Armstrong is in some NERD CLOTHES. You can bring your children out and not be ashamed of it with SMW.

After the break, "Prime Time" Brian Lee is here to not yet be a dirty biker or anything. He speaks briefly. Doesn't like Dutch Mantell.

Scott Armstrong (215, Marietta, GA) vs Dirty Dutch Mantell (234, Oil Trough, TX)

Dutch Mantell always sort of struck me as the cartoon version of a wild and free spirited southern wrestler. I mean he comes out to the "Rawhide" song here. Mantell is doing his stuff. Armstong is Armstrong. This is a decent Worldwide match. Armstrong gets trucking a little and Mantell gets his bullwhip and he's DQ'd, so Brian Lee runs in with a stick to chase Dutch off and ignite their great feud.

Bob Caudle talks to a principal from a high school who held a SMW event.

Bullet Bob makes a ruling on Mantell using the whip: $500 fine the first time, and after that they'll figure it out. Next week, Mantell vs Brian Lee. Cornette has a tag team coming to Smoky Mountain. After a break, Wally Yamaguchi is here! Choppy choppy Caudle's pee-pee. Well that happened then.

Last week, Ivan Koloff and Bobby Fulton had a match. Fucking Bobby Fulton. Ron Wright gives Koloff some kind of weapon to knock out Fulton, who remains one of wrestling's biggest idiots. Then Jackie Fulton gets in. Great. The other one. So Jackie Fulton beats up Ivan Koloff's 90 year old ass, and the referee finds the weapon and reverses the decision, and then here's Vladimir Koloff.

The Fantastics (if you insist) and Bullet Bob go over stuff about foreign objects. $500 fine to Ivan Koloff! The Fultons look like they don't take care of their hair. Jackie looks like he's gonna cry. "Hey! We just want law and order!" He calls them "bald-headed commie geeks." Then he keeps saying "hey." They need the great people of the United States to get behind them to kick tail like we did overseas "against Saddam Hussein and those other characters." Bobby Fulton's world views are pretty ignorant.

Now Ron Wright cuts a promo for a wheelchair. God I love this - "Ron Wright is a crippled man! I'm in a wheelchair!" He's just scouting talent. "You know Ron Wright has never harmed a hair on any man, in my opponents in my life! Just poor old crippled man sitting here trying to mind my OWN business."

The Koloffs (Ivan & Vladimir, 250 kilos, USSR) vs The Fantastics (Bobby & Jackie Fulton)

This is your main event. The Fantastics don't even let the dude announce their weights. "Beautiful chain wrestling." Tell me about it. Ivan is a real ring general. Great stuff where Ivan tricks idiot Jackie Fulton into going down the apron to distract the referee, giving Vladimir a chance to interfere. As expected Bobby Fulton plays Bobby Fulton. I can't argue with this match, really - yeah the Koloffs kinda suck, yeah I hate Bobby Fulton, but I hate Bobby Fulton for silly reasons. How many percentage points is Vladimir worse than Nikita? Nikita being famous doesn't mean he had a lot of good matches or anything. I don't think it's all that crazy. jackie Fulton is the worst house afire I ever goddamn seen. I guess I'm arguing with this match after all. I mean, it's OK. Formula being comforting in rasslin, I don't mind this at all, it's just not that good. Anyway the Fultons win with a flying crossbody, BUT WAS HE THE LEGAL MAN? I don't care. Fuck these Commies. It's 1992 assholes. Get over it.

Terry Gordy has come from Freebird Mountain to the Smoky Mountain. THE BOMBS ARE STARTIN TO FALL? CAN YOU HEAR? GIDDOWN GIDDOWN GIDDOWN. Terry Gordy may be the greatest professional wrestler to ever live. If I did a Tape Machines Are Rolling Hall of Fame, he'd be one of the first ten in. Maybe I should do that. Owen Hart probably wouldn't make that one either. No he would. He was my favorite pro wrestler for about a year or so.

Wouldn't make it: Tim Horner. Tim Horner cuts a horrid promo:

"You know, when I come home, you know, I think of mountains because there's mountains all around us. And when I think of mountains I think of Smoky Mountains. And now every time I hear Smoky Mountains, it's Smoky Mountain Wrestling, you know, and I really get excited about that because finally there's an organization who's gonna allow the wrestlers to compete at a level that they're capable of competing in. Some of these other organizations - you know and I talked to the commissioner earlier today, Bob Armstrong, and he assured me that Smoky Mountain wrestling is not a uh uh body competition. It's not body, b-what is it? ('Bodybuilding.') Yeah, there you go. And it's certainly not a rock show. You know some of these organizations you know they wanna hammer ... somethin' into the peoples' head, if you get my drift. But you know I'm happy to be here you know and like you said I just come off a tour of Japan and I'm really happy to be here."

I wonder why Tim Horner never became a star.

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