Monday, December 26, 2011

Scott Watches JCW Legends and Icons (Aug. 13, 2011)

You know what's weird? The older I get, the less I hate ICP. They like wrestling more than most promoters do, so they've got that going for them. I also assume they actually pay the guys they book for their shows, so that's kind of cool.

Now don't get me wrong here - I hate juggalos but it's not because they actually pay money to hear Twiztid or whatever. It's because they're largely really stupid and fucking annoying human beings. If they were half as clever as ICP I might just find them awesome.

But I have a real soft spot for old timer wrestling shows. So I'm going to watch this, and then probably get sad when I realize that I'm aging, too, as some of the new "old timers" are guys I grew up with.

Some idiot named KG welcomes me to the gathering of the mother fucking juggalos. God. This crowd really doesn't sound like it cares about wrestling at all which is sort of a shame. Mick Foley, the fatass one-man Wal-Mart, is here to do some color commentary. Apparently, according to this doofus -- Woop Woop! fuck this shit -- the Gathering of the Juggalos is "the most insane event the world has ever seen." Take that, World War II.

Look at Mick Foley here. What a jerkoff. They go backstage to Bill Apter - well eventually. Haha. Bill Apter. I get the feeling this is Bill Apter's first tuxedo. Tito Santana says he can't wait to step into the cage with Greg Valentine again.

Cage Match: Greg "The Hammer" Valentine vs Tito Santana

Look at the breasts on Valentine. It takes less than 30 seconds after the bell for a full drink to fly into the ring. Valentine has forearms but that's about it. They block going into the cage. Tito still throws a pretty good right hand. Valentine hits the cage first, couple of head rams. Raking on the cage - did Greg blade for this at age 60 for fans who don't give a fuck? Can't tell, can't tell, can't see, can't see. Valentine with some chops. Still can't actually see if he did bleed. Foley says he did but there's no evidence. Ah, there it is. Yes, Greg Valentine, at 60, for fans who just threw shit at him, bladed in a novelty cage match. Because he's fuckin Greg Valentine. Valentine takes the face-first flop as hard as ever. There's a key speed advantage that Santana has here. Valentine cradles Santana on a figure four attempt from Tito for two. Valentine pins him with the feet on the ropes in about four minutes.

Did anyone try to star rate this show? If so, why?

The winners get plaques, so Valentine throws his to Santana, who destroys it, or tries to. Just like when Valentine destroyed the IC title. You know. Kind of.

Mick and KG jerk off Mick for a while.

The Headbangers are here. They're in the battle royal! Bill Apter has sneakers on. I can't believe the charismatic Headbangers never became huge stars and only won a couple shitty WWF titles. Or one. I don't remember. Fuck them.

More with Mick and KG. "These fans are respecting the guys," says Foley. Yeah totally. That respectful drink that was chucked into the ring 40 seconds into the first match. And David Penzer is the ring announcer. And Foley's all "LOL! That guy!" Foley and Joey Styles should have a tweet-off to see who the biggest suckass sellout fuck really is.

Battle Royal

Goddamn it. Actually this KG dude isn't bad at all -- he does the winky-winky commentary but he's got a better attitude about it than some assholes and is pretty quick-witted. Here are your entrants: Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Headbanger Mosh... I guess it's Royal Rumble style.

Even at the Gathering of the Juggalos, Jim Duggan can lead at least a semi-successful "USA" chant. I think it's a minute between entrances. I've no desire to describe fucking battle royals with a bunch of old men, so here are your entrants in order: Duggan, Mosh, Ronnie Garvin (who takes his sweet ass time going out there and isn't in anything remotely resembling wrestling gear), Thrasher, Carlito Caribbean Cool (finishing a beer), Jimmy Snuka. Snuka comes in and everyone claps except Carlito. They all stop what they're doing. This is without question the worst battle royal I've ever seen.

Tony Atlas (in skintight Anfernee Hardaway jersey), Big Daddy V, Rob Conway. Foley just invites Tony Atlas over to the commentary booth. This is the greatest wrestling show on earth. Zach Gowen. Oh fuck. OK I can't take anymore. FF. Gowen eliminates Viscera last to win.

"If we have an interview we're gonna go to it." Backstage, the Rock n' Roll Express are with Bill Apter.

The Midnight Express vs The Rock n' Roll Express

This is Eaton/Condrey. Double dropkick finishes Condrey in about a minute. Ah! Alright then.

Bill Apter is with Terry Funk, who is ready for Roddy Piper. Funk cuts his usual great loopy old man promo: "You've got to understand what this guy has done to me. This guy is nothing more than, than cat poop. That sounds stupid. Cat poop. But I'll tell you what. My daddy, years ago, he went ahead and told me, he said son, he says, 'Every horse ... if he's a 98% sure that if you breed an idiot horse to an idiot horse what you produce is a frigging idiot.' You understand that? Well Rowdy Piper's mother, she was a whore. Rowdy Poppy - Piper's father was an idiot. You put those two together, and what does that produce? It produces an idiot. And why am I so upset? Because this idiot goes running around California knocking me out there to all of the produces and directors, and going in and telling me how wonderful, telling people how wonderful They Live was. They Live. What a horrible, godawful movie. What a stinkin' piece of crap They Live was. My God. I could go ahead and I could do somethin' even better than that. They Live. Roddy Piper died! He died in that movie! Look at the movies that I made! Why do you people keep on talkin' about how great of an entertainer Rowdy Piper is? Going ahead and putting him on the stage in this day and era. Well he is. I'll tell you something. He is a great actor. He is a great actor. But not on the screen! Not on the movie screen! He's a great actor in the wrestling ring! Roddy Piper is a faker and always has been! Terry Funk is the real deal. Can you count on that? I'll tell you, you can be sure of that! I am the goddamn real deal!"

There's a bit of that that comes off, well, truthful.

Raven vs Balls Mahoney vs Shane Douglas vs Sabu vs 2 Cold Scorpio vs Al Snow vs Rhino

I wonder if any of these douchers are gonna cry and blubber about ECW being so great. So this is three-way action at a time with four guys on the apron waiting to be tagged in. So Snow and Douglas and Sabu start. I have about as much interest in this ECW rehashing bullshit as I have in another battle royal. Sabu has short, balding hair like an old man. Scorpio and Rhino get in. All in all Sabu is still pretty crazy good when you consider the amount of insane damage he's done to himself over the years. And then Al Snow hits everyone with the stupid mannequin head and it breaks down. Sabu jumps through a table. Rhino pins Al Snow. So Rhino wins. Fuck this is so terrible.

Bob Backlund vs Ken Patera

Bob Backlund seriously doesn't give a fuck. Nobody all night has bothered to interact with the ringside "fans" because they're a bunch of smelly white trash who throw shit at Tito Santana, but Backlund just gets right up in everyone's grill and gives high fives. Two possibilities:

1. They see it as nice that SOMEONE seems to give a shit about being here.
2. Backlund comes off so nuts that nobody's willing to test him by throwing something or saying anything.

Patera looks almost nothing like Ken Patera anymore. Backlund actually looks exactly like Bob Backlund still. He's 62 years old and is in phenomenal shape. Backlund has to try like hell to do everything here, including making Patera appear like his feeble shoves are powerful. Finally on a bearhug from Patera, which is horribly weak, someone throws shit in the ring. Backlund lifts his arms so that Patera can put on a full nelson. Backlund rolls Patera up (sort of) for the win. Backlund stares at his plaque. Then he puts a fan in the crossface chickenwing. Patera takes about 30 years to try to chase Backlund, and by chase I mean get near him and then stand 10 feet away talking when Bob moves. Backlund actually goes out into the audience. Bob Backlund is a fucking crazy person. "God bless professional wrestling." KG has grown on me.

Now Backlund's on the mic. Holy shit. "Next time I come here I'm gonna clean up your language!" "I told you," says Foley. "He's batshit crazy."

Dutch Mantel vs Koko B Ware vs Brickhouse Brown vs Doug Gilbert vs Austin Idol

BIRD BIRD BIRD. BIRD BIRD BIRD. BIRD BIRD BIRD. BIRD BIRD BIRD. No bird. Idol gets in and poses, so everyone attacks him. Idol gets thrown to the floor gingerly, and Koko's throwing punches on Doug Gilbert, who looks the most eager to be here. Then Idol comes back in and throws some shots on everyone. They're doing what they can with the same enthusiasm but more years that the ECW guys had earlier. Idol wins because he entered last. Brickhouse Brown does an interview. He's great.

The longer I watch this show the less enthusiasm I have to continue being alive.

Tracy Smothers (w/Isabella Smothers) vs Tommy Rich

I guess playing Tracy's daughter is a lot better than doing those blubbering cryfests with Ian Rotten. Tracy Smothers has gotten pretty goddamn old and he's looking it. Rich is ancient. But they're doing a wrestling match - just a really slow one. Ugh, this also ends in about 40 seconds with Smothers pinning Rich with his feet on the ropes. Mickie walking around with her fat ass hanging out of her assless jeans is doing more for me than it should, but then I am a pig.

The New Age Outlaws vs X-Pac & Kevin Nash (w/Scott Hall)

Hall looks and sounds bad, but, well, he's walking around. Sadly he's 53 and moving about as well as Ken Patera. Of course X-Pac also sounds like crap but then he's just not good at talking on microphones or anything. The match sucks, but X-Pac looks pretty good. Foley is all "he's got another run left in him," and maybe he does, but he likely won't get the chance because, y'know, he's X-Pac, and if he does get the chance he'll probably fuck it up. Outlaws both look alright. Nash looks like Nash in 2011. Vampiro is special referee and counts slow for the Outlaws and then after the match "joins the JWO" like anyone gives a fuck.

Terry Funk vs Roddy Piper

Since he's a nutty old fuck, Funk slaps David Penzer around before the match. Piper comes out with Bob Orton, who's in his wrestling gear for no reason, so guess what happens. Funk's on the mic and doing pretty much the same bit from earlier. "When you breed idiot stupid parents together, what you get is another goddamned idiot." You phony! You piece of crap! "Oh what are you doing in here, Orton? Get out of the goddamned ring!"

Piper has a rebuttal. He "funked" Terry's mother. So Piper hits Funk with the mic after trying to figure out what he's doing, and now he's hitting him with his belt outside, and Orton is kind of involved. After some terrible brawling outside, Orton's on the apron like a tag partner and no one really knows why because it's not explained or anything. And eventually they're both kicking Funk's ass, and Funk is stumbling around and bleeding, and Foley leaves the broadcast booth to go help Funk, and Foley is just as bad as all the other old men.

Piper & Orton vs Foley & Funk with everyone in their primes would have been a really awesome feud. The finish is as bad as the match as Orton and Piper win and the "fans" chant "bullshit" for a while.

Funk tries to piece together thoughts about his acting career and Piper's acting career. "I feel 105 but the older you get the nastier and meaner you get." Anyway this was awful but I'll watch Terry Funk any time. He really is a nice man.

This show sucked a dick!