Thursday, December 22, 2011

Brent Watches WWF Superstars (Jan. 30, 1993)

The show kicks off with some Royal Rumble clips to plug the VHS release whenever. Vince, Lawler and Savage are yelling about the Royal Rumble and how "unbelievably impressed" they were with Giant Gonzalez. There's all kinds of dudes in action tonight!

The Headshrinkers vs. Reno Riggins & Bobby Perez

A lot of talk early about Mr. Perfect having chased Ric Flair from the WWF. But what are they going to do? Talk up Reno Riggins and Bobby Perez here? They ARE very keyed in on Afa chewing on a fish at ringside.

Riggins dropped with a big clothesline and these guys are getting their asses kicked to the extent one would expect. Double powerbomb on Perez, then a double russian legsweep, top rope splash by Fatu and that's it. Oh, no it's not. Now they're shoving the raw fish in Perez's mouth. It's a happening.

Interview segment with Bret Hart who can't really say Yokozuna because Canadians suck at talking, so it's Yoka instead of Yoko.


Damian Demento vs. Tommy Knight

They show a kid as Demento walks to the ring who looks confused as fuck as to why he's going to watch this, and it's nearing 19 years later and here I am, so I feel ya, kid. Demento is crazy! See! He's talking to his thumb! Continued confusion over if Lex Luger is Narcissus or The Narcissist as poor Tommy Knight gets clotheslined, neck broken (neck breakered?) and then uh...jumping knee for the finish? That's really what he used as a finish?

Mr. Perfect vs. Louis Spicolli

Hey! Spicolli! Meanwhile, Vince has changed it back to "The Narcissist" after Savage and Lawler were going with Narcissus. They interview Luger while Perfect and Spicolli have a brief match that Hennig clearly runs away with. ICO PRO!

Arena show promo! Yokozuna is a bigger man than you, Undertaker! How can you do it? How can you give Mr. Fuji's Yokozuna a piledriver! Yokozuna is going to make you cry "pain!"

Ooooh yeeees! Flowers, Oriental women, Japanese flag, the salt! "In the wilds of nature, the sick and weak of heart are systematically done away with. In the world of the unnatural, the unstrong and the unholy are also done away with Yokozunaaaaa." Wait, isn't the undead Undertaker more "unholy" than a fat sumo guy?


Shawn Michaels vs. Gary Jackson

This isn't for Shawn's Intercontinental Championship. Sorry, Gary! A woman licks her lips! Women want Shawn's penis!

Shawn showboats and eats a right hand, tries to come back by slamming Jackson's head into the turnbuckle, but wrestling is really racist and if you're not white it means you probably have a really hard head, so Jackson hits his forehead and no-sells. A few seconds of offense for Jackson before Michaels takes over, hits a superkick and a back suplex and that'll do it. At least poor Gary Jackson got more offense than the rest of the jobbers on the show thus far combined.

IT'S COMING IN APRIL! WRESTLEMANIA IS COMING TO CESAR'S PALACE! IT'S THE FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT CAPITAL OF THE WORLD!

They have Rougeau interview Hacksaw Jim Duggan? He's a Canadian goober! Ah Jesus, Duggan is yelling about Mr. Fuji and "YokoCOMMIE!" And now he's yelling about how it's not right that they talk about how Americans have lost their work ethic and don't make good cars, automobiles or stereos. And now he's issued a challenge to "Yokozooma." "I WILL NOT QUIT! I WILL NOT STOP! I WILL NOT WAIVER! FOR AS LONG AS THERE IS AIR IN MY LUNGS AND BLOOD IN MY HEART I WILL ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK! SO HELP ME GOD! GOOOOD BLESS AMERICA!"

High Energy vs. Brooklyn Brawler & Chuck West


Lawler says that a fat baby being carelessly held above the crowd looks like "a future Yokozuna." They didn't announce Brawler and his partner but I know who the fucking Brooklyn Brawler is. A bunch of talking about Doink and Crush and the concussion from the lead arm. Oop! Chuck West is the other feller's name. And he gets pinned so fuck, whatever. This whole damn show is a waste of time.

They show Giant Gonzalez debuting at the Rumble and attacking Undertaker. Whatever.

Bob Backlund vs. "Iron" Mike Sharpe


Ah, Mike Sharpe. Backlund wants to shake hands and Sharpe gives 'im the ol' "aynowgetouttaheredon'twanna!" No one has ever made more noise in a wrestling match than Mike Sharpe as everything is a "WHOAA!" or "ARRRGH!" They show a pre-recorded "headlock on hunger" promo by Backlund who reads his line like the slow kid in class who might be dyslexic. Backlund wins with a bridging pin and that'll do 'er. Lawler draws Howdy Doody on the telestrator. Ha!

Razor Ramon vs. Pete Christie

There is no less impressive looking man on Earth than Pete Christie. And they make sure to point that out. I mean, this isn't even a guy who wouldn't be the ugliest, weakest looking guy in the room even if he wasn't surrounded by pro wrestlers. Likely another case of "no one can ruin my dreams!" But yeah, they really can. This is it for you.

Razor runs through him and these have all been SO squash-y that it's serving as an hour long waste of time.

Blah, blah, blah. Sean Mooney and house shows! DAMN! Why wasn't I at the Nassau Coliseum on Friday, February 26, 1993? The return match of the Steiner Brothers vs. Beverly Brothers?! Kamala vs. Kimchee?! Shawn Michaels vs. Marty Jannetty?! The Undertaker vs. Yokozuna?!

Mr. Fuji and Yokozuna accept Hacksaw's challenge for next week! God Dammit! I don't want to watch but Hacksaw is gonna ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK!


Post show note: I decided that I needed to know if the saga of Pete Christie ended shortly after this January 1993 episode of WWF Superstars, only to learn that, no...it did not. Christie went on to win some small regional titles in Michigan (with belts that may or may not have been made out of construction paper) and even operated his own webpage...on Angelfire.

And no Angelfire webpage is complete without a guestbook! Some of the great notes immortalized in web guestbook history:

I think u r the coolest in the world. Next time u r in Bay City (in January) could u PLEASE bring ur snake??? I'd like a pic with u and the snake cuz it's the day after my birthday. Thanx. Keep in touch, man, u rock!!!

I have been a fan of pro wrestling since a kid, great to see a local doing well in the business. Too bad I am too old at 38 and small to get into it, it looks like a great time.

what a homo
Sounds like SOMEBODY is jealous of "Viper" Pete Christie.

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