Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Brent Watches WWF Royal Rumble 1993

Scott started watching wrestling and blogging about it again which spurred me to do the same because it's only really fun when I can yell at him during the shows. So, I told him "Hey, pick me a year to start going through WWF shows again." And, after he told me 1977 and I told him to fuck off, he said 1993, so here we go.

The Beverly Brothers vs. The Steiner Brothers
"Two All-Americans, Brain!"


It starts and we get the "Hey! He's pullin' my tights, ref! Hey! He's pullin' my hair, ref!" Because, let's be honest, it's not like the Beverly Bros. are exactly set up for Scott to toss around like he should. And, holy fuck, more "Hey! He's pullin' my tights, ref!" And it takes me until right now to notice that Bill Alfonso is the ref in question.

Bobby keeps saying that tonight is the unveiling of "Narcissus" so..yeah. The first tag of the match almost five minutes in and Monsoon tells me that quick tags are what the Steiners are all about.

Scott gets in trouble and I'm forced to remember just how much I hate the god damn Beverly Brothers. This is putting a bad taste in my mouth right from the get go. At least Rick throws some dudes on their heads after the hot tag and Scott almost paralyzes Beau with a frankensteiner and that business is done and it was what it was.

Now we're into a video package recap of the Rockers split at the Barber Shop. And despite being told otherwise by the internet for years, Michaels still doesn't superkick Marty through the window.

WWF Intercontinental Championship: Shawn Michaels (c) vs. Marty Jannetty

Remember when Shawn went over the top with pinballing around for Hogan and everyone got weepy about how unprofessional it was? Well, his early selling of everything Marty does here is only a step below. Taking a right hand and somehow jumping up in the air and doing a 360 on his way down..etc.

This match always needed more hate. The early part is a lot of "leave a guy outside and stand in the ring" both ways and then it's all Shawn working over Marty's arm for a really extended segment. And it's like, Jannetty was BETRAYED! He was WRONGED! SHAWN DID HIM BAD! And his revenge is basically punching him a few times and then getting the shit kicked out of him? Sherri slaps Shawn for his betrayal of her and hey, that's some payback of the emotional kind!

Marty gets excited sometimes on his comebacks and does the little dancing on his toes thing but it really is Jannetty taking a beating until the late stages when they go to a series of false finishes that actually had the crowd going. Sherri gets in the ring after a ref bump and I'm just as conflicted as when I was 10 about just HOW attractive she is, but she hits Marty with a shoe on accident and Shawn hits the superkick and that'll do it. Marty's revenge was lame and was going to culminate in a woman hitting his rival with a shoe?

"SHERRI! DAMMIT! YOU SETTLE DOWN! YOU'RE HYSTERICAL" says Mean Gene backstage. And now here comes Marty and they have a brief pull-apart brawl with about 1000 times more hate than the entire match. Shawn made that decent but what a shitty in-ring story.

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. The Big Boss Man


When I was younger my dad had a friend who looked just like Big Boss Man, which I may have said before. But one time he and my dad were talking about how some girls in a car thought he was a famous pro wrestler so they "showed him their fried eggs." Which I didn't get at the time, but now I can't see Big Boss Man without thinking about tits or eggs. I just told this story to Scott who doesn't like that they're fried. Fair enough I suppose. In honor of the ladies of the era, here's a picture of some "hot 90's women" ringside at the event. FRIED EGGS!

These two men are big. These two men are agile. Boss Man's punches are bullshit. But I hope you like them because there's a lot...oh, and double axe-handles.

Reverse bear hug and...just kill me. I'm not a negative person! But this show is not doing it for me. I like these guys! But it's just...whatever, man. Another reverse bear hug and it's pretty clear it was just time for these guys to rest for a bit. Again, two large men here. Diving headbutt, Bam Bam wins, let's get out of here.

Footage of Owen Hart getting beat up by Razon Ramon backstage at a recent event. Monsoon tells me that he LITERALLY got creamed, but that didn't happen for several more years. Ah geez, I feel really bad about that one.

WWF Championship: Razor Ramon vs. Bret Hart (c)

"I'm gonna defend my family's honor. And defend I'm gonna DO!" Says Bret backstage. It's a Hart Royal Rumble moment that gets lost in the shuffle with Owen's great "that's why I kicked yer leg outta...yer...leg." Now Bret gives his glasses to a kid at ringside who just sits there like a goon and doesn't seem excited nor does he say think you, because 1993 was the year that good manners died. And then Razor flicks his toothpick at the kid and the kid doesn't care about that either. Piss off you little shithead with your ringside seat at the Royal damn Rumble and you're not even enjoying yourself. I hope your parents gave you a punch in the neck for Christmas.

Bret works over the leg early. Razor makes his comeback by going at the ribs and this is simply way better than everything else on the show so far, even though Razor's leg seems to have recovered rather quickly.

Actually, now things have slowed down too much with a long abdominal stretch bit and then a damn bear hug. But when they get going again it's good again with Bret hitting a suicide dive and then throwin' some right hands. Bret keeps going up the turnbuckle for what would be expected to be the whole 10 punch bit, but instead Razor shoves him off after 4 and they go back to it and Razor shoves him off again because it doesn't make sense for Razor to just sit there, being much bigger and get punched in the face. Bret runs through his moves and after the Russian leg sweep, he remembers "well, fuck, that'd hurt my ribs too!"

Bret wins after a pin kickout by Razor leaves their legs tangled up, allowing Hart to lock in the sharpshooter. It has its sloppy moments and all, and isn't some legendary match. But fuck, I really needed a match that was actually enjoyable to get back into this thing.

Now Heenan runs down to the arena floor to debut "Narcissus" Lex Luger. I don't really know why it was considered a good idea to give him the name of the character from mythology instead of just going with "The Narcissist" from the get-go or was Heenan just unable to say Narcissist? Because he doesn't just call him Narcissus, he calls him THE Narcissus.

Anyway, The Brain is basically blowing a load in his pants about Lex's muscles, his definition and repeatedly going "YOU DO LOVE YOURSELF DON'T YOU?!" This is an exceptionally gay moment in pro wrestling history.

Wait, now Lex calls himself The Narcissist. So he's The Narcissist? Not Narcissus? Bobby gets on his knees as a curtain drops and begs Lex to "show him some more." Holy fuuuck. That was not well thought out.

Here's a douchebag to play Ceaser and a chick to play Cleopatra and they tak about going to Vegas to have all your desires fulfilled.

The Royal Rumble

Flair is out at #1 and Bob Backlund is in at #2. Here's Papa Shango and it speaks to how stupid I was at 10 years old that I probably would have rather watched a Papa Shango match than either of these other two. But he gets eliminated quickly and ten year old me is sad while 28 year old me says good fuckin' riddance. Ted DiBiase out with Jimmy Hart and Hart cornering The Million Dollar Man makes not a single lick of god damn sense.

Backlund! Flair! DiBiase! Who could possibly round out this group? KNOBBS FRoM THE NASTY BOYS AND HE IS CLEANIN' HOUSE! Now Jerry Lawler hits the ring and, aside from Virgil, this is a pretty fucking cool moment. Memphis king Lawler, Mid-South ruling DiBiase, long time WWF champ Backlund, NWA kingpin Flair all in the ring. And they're trying to pair off but fuckin' Virgil just keeps stickin' his god damn nose in everything. And now here comes Max Moon and fuck it, the magic moment is over. Eventually Tenryu hits the ring because there's not enough Hall of Famers spending time farting around with Virgil. And while I'm trying to be all "Yeah! This is incredible! The lengends!" There's not a single drop of heat until Mr. Perfect hits the ring to start beating Flair's ass and then everyone kind of clears out of the way so they can have a two minute wrestling match. And Perfect was a great addition to things what with having a year plus AWA title run!

Oop! Here comes Skinner and Hennig tosses Flair. Koko B. Ware runs out doing some sort of weird dance and holy shit is he fat. Next is the Berzerker and this has taken a serious turn from that earlier line-up. Remember when Jimmy Jacobs said "huss?" More importantly, remember when fans wouldn't stop yelling "huss" at him like 4 years after he'd dropped that stupid ass gimmick? But, hey! The fans are a part of the show too! Indy wrestling!'re not a part of the show, and your chants are fucking horrible, so shut up.

Berzerker hitting Backlund with a chair after they roll out under the bottom rope and now slamming him on the exposed concrete. Was this just that he was a wildman or was there some Backlund/Berzerker program that I've erased from my memory? Because this is a bit more than just a mid-Rumble pairing off.

Undertaker in to clear out the ring so that mother god damn fucking god damn Giant Gonzalez can make his debut and throw some fuckin' awful chops and knock Undertaker out of the ring and then step out over the top rope. Fucking stupid fucking muscle suit with hair.


At some point last night I fell asleep once I was supposed to put up with Damian Demento, Tatanka and Saggs after having a ring full of champions.

And trying to put myself in the mindset of realizing that no one in '93 would have give that much of a shit about that cool moment with all the champs it makes me think about how there was a point in my life when I wanted to forgive my cousin for his horrible taste in pro wrestlers, loving dudes like John Cena and Kane above all others. I'd think "Hey, back when you were 10 you liked a bunch of that stupid shit in early/mid-90's WWF!" But he's too old for that to fly anymore. You're too old! I'd gladly accept digging CM Punk even if he is all phony nostolgia and whatnot these days. Or you could get into Daniel Bryan if you want me to actually discuss wrestling with you. But, fuck, hit the point in your life where Cena isn't the reason you watch wrestling. Rebel! Fight the power! Use the internet to discover some indy guys who aren't REALLY that good that you can get into and pretend that they're not being given a fair shake! (this is called finding your generation's Super Dragon) It's so much easier for you now than it was for guys like me that had to take part in tape trading and shit. Get into old stuff too! It's great! You can see all kinds of awesome shit from Memphis or Mid South or Georgia or wherever now! YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! And while we're talking, quit asking me if you've gotten bigger since the last time I saw you. You're like 17 now, that's not something you're supposed to ask. Are you retarded? Your mom insists you're not, but I'm not so sure. It's probably at least autism. Right?

Anyway, Typhoon was in, then he got eliminated by Earthquake. Carlos Colon comes out and Monsoon tells me that there's "a lot of fire in this youngster!" But Carlos is 44 years old at this point. The crowd could not give a shit about him or really anyone in the ring at this moment. This is just tedious at this point. But here comes Yokozuna and thank god, because this needed something more than what it had going. They should probably be saying what number people are coming in at...but they aren't so I don't actually know where we're at in this whole thing. Macho Man is out and they announce that he's the last entrant. So there we go!

Final four are Yokozuna, Bob Backlund, Rick Martel and Randy Savage. Backlun knocks out Martel and gets the record for longest time in a Rumble and nobody REALLY cares. But Backlund is all ballsy and goes at Yoko before he gets tossed. I know what happens, but is it wrong that I desperately wished that I would get Savage vs. Hart at Wrestlemania 9 next instead of what I'm going to get? Savage does that thing he does where he makes a dude look really great and turns the last segment with Yoko into a fun bit of drama before he hits the elbow and then gets bench press thrown over the top rope, which was a bit too goofy, but whatever.

I don't know what to say about the show. It kinda sucks? But the WWF Championship match was good? And the IC title match was fine? The first part of the Rumble would have been really super interesting if they found some middle ground between the complete ignoring of any history other than the WWF's own in that time period and the fawning over history in current WWE to really kind of make all these major title holders being in at the same time seem special. But instead it's all about your Damian Dementos know...this guy:

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