Friday, December 23, 2011

Brent Watches WWF Raw (Feb 15, 1993)

Ah shit. We're kicking off with Brutus Beefcake returning? And he's going to wrestle Ted DiBiase? Shattered face! Parasailing! Monday Night Raw! First week back after the dog show!

Oh man, this is a brutal copy of this show, pixels!

Randy Savage tells me that Beefcake is making the comeback of the year award and that God and Hogan are looking over his shoulder.

The Steiner Brothers vs. Glen Bruce and Bobby Who(?) (Hu?) (Hoo?)

I think I got those names right for the guys brought in to get ran over. Glen Bruce is actually dwarfing both Steiners. Mic troubles for Savage and he sounds like he's talking into a tin can.

Rick throws a headlock on for a while which makes little sense since they're beating the shit out of these clowns. Steinerline! Bulldog off Scott's shoulders and that'll wrap it up.

Yokozuna vs. Ross Greenberg

"THIS MICROPHONE IS A MAJOR PROBLEM!" Randy Savage is NOT havin' it! Vince with a really on point joke asking if Ross Greenberg has something to do with HBO (Ross Greenburg was the pretty high up in HBO Sports for a number of years). Greenberg runs at him, gets clotheslined. Belly-to-belly suplex, leg drop, avalanche in the corner and a bonzai drop.

Randy Savage steals Rob Bartlett's microphone (yes, this was the Rob Bartlett era) and if he keeps it the rest of the show, that'd be fantastic.

Hey! Lord Alfred Hayes gives us a recap of what happened with the Duggan/Yokozuna deal on the Superstars the week after the one I watched! Duggan did it! He dropped Yoko! But then he got "Pearl Harbor'ed" and Yoko dropped some bonzai drops in including one while Duggan was covered in the American Flag. Man, I wish I'd watched that show.

Ah fuuuck, there's a 16 man battle royal tonight? Shiiiit. Now we get to see some Giant Gonzalez action from Superstars and holy shit, that guy could barely fucking move at this point. I can't believe they showed him holding Louie Spicolli's throat for 2 minutes and then hitting a chokeslam. That was the most boring fucking "take you to some action" thing ever.

16 Man Battle Royal

Kimchee is fucking around with Kamala. Razor Ramon is in there I think, Berzerker is stomping around and there's Skinner and Owen Hart. Shawn Michaels and Tatanka out there too. Ah, thank's Damien Demento, he has been in every show I've watched in '93 thus far. Koko B. Ware is the first man out as Michaels tosses him. I get to sit through a fucking battle royal and then a Brutus Beefcake match? This is a real delight.

I lose my train of thought as I think Savage and Vince tell me to "take a leak," but they were saying "leap" because Quantum Leap is on next. I hate Quantum Leap.

There's a lot of the usual Shawn Michaels in a battle royal stuff here as he spends half the match on the verge of being thrown out. Typhoon eliminates Skinner, Kamala eliminates Demento. Vince says that in matches like this the larger men seem to him to often have the advantage. Berzerker tosses Owen. Kamala kicks Berzerker out of the ring. Kimchee helps toss Kamala and
now Kamala jumps in the ring and throws Kimchee out. How is that legal? That really should be overturned! There is no justince! Kamala chases him through the crowd into the concession area and we go to commercial.

We come back and they're in the balcony! Shawn tosses typhoon and the final four (a bunch of eliminations were missed) is Michaels, Razor, Tatanka and Santana. They pair off as expected. This segment is already taking way longer than necessary. Shawn is pinballing around for the faces and they eventually get him out of there leaving Tatanka, Santana and Razor. Oh fuck you, Giant Gonzalez comes out and, after Razor bails, he tosses both faces and then leaves ringside, meaning Razor wins. That's really stupid and...I mean, why bother?

"The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake

I still don't get DiBiase being managed by Hart. Jimmy doesn't represent high society and he isn't reall out there enough to be the guy that Ted hires to get his hands dirty.

Beefcake stalls before the match even starts and once they try to pick it up it's pretty clear that these two guys aren't exactly sharing a lot of chemistry, but then..who DID Beefcake have chemistry with? This is all Beefcake headlocks and DiBiase trying to fuck with Beefcake's fucked up face, which...I guess I'm supposed to think that makes DiBiase a dick? I mean, I thought this was wrestling, why should I care about if Beefcake gets hit in the face?

IRS comes out and blatantly hits Beefcake with the steel briefcase and after the disqualification it's time for a beatdown on Beefcake. Jimmy Hart tries to stop IRS and DiBiase from hitting Brutus in the face with the briefcase so IRS shoves him the fuck out of the way and they straight blast Beefcake in the face and suddenly I love this. Beefcake rolls around howling like an old woman while Hart tries to protect him. Holy shit, that was fantastic. "WELCOME BACK BEEFCAKE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

They come back from commercial and let everyone know not to worry, Beefcake is on his feet! He'll probably be fine!

Next week Tatanka and the Nasty Boys against Shawn Michaels and the Beverly Brothers!

Yeah, I don't wanna see that match either, kid.

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