Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Scott's TV Party: WWE Raw for Mar. 14, 2011

Behind again! Dude, come on. Slow down, slow down, old world, there's no hurry.

What Was Good
  • Snooki and Trish Stratus stand around together.
  • Michael Cole calls Raw from a plexiglass box. Now that's quality. Thank you for bringing me your broadcast excellence, Michael. I would stand up for The Miz but he sucks. You understand the difference between playing a character and being real, don't you, buddy? I understand you have to play pretend. I don't. You're a big star and a company man. I'm just a guy with a blog. I get to be the voice of reason. But you do a good job in that box. Have fun.
  • Miz's reaction to facing Great Khali came off as "Fuck you. Who cares?" He's keeping it real. I like Khali's offense in this context, where he's just clubberin' the Miz for a couple minutes and then getting on Alex Riley (oh good! he's back!), and then Miz chair attacks Khali. This was good all around. Khali gets his back punctured by the careless Miz. THEY SHOULD LEGIT REPRIMAND HIM. LEGIT. LEGIT. LEGIT. I love safety!!!!11
  • I guess I liked that HHH video package.
  • Hey, look! It's John Morrison! Snooki! ...oh! Weird. VICKIE GUERRERO and Dolph Ziggler. Snooki's a good actress. I guarantee you that every Snooki segment makes this column. Wait -- wait. Snooki called Vickie fat? SNOOKI IS FATTER THAN VICKIE
  • Daniel Bryan v. Sheamus was really good. Predictable, but really good. Bryan has chemistry with wrestling, fuck chemistry with other wrestlers. He's going to be good against anyone if given enough time.
  • Oh man, it's Brian Christopher. And he's taking full advantage of his moment in the spotlight by doing the Grandmaster Sexay dance all the way to the ring to zero reaction. Part sad, part hilarious. AND he's as crazy-eyed and clearly out of his fucking gourd as he was when he went on CNN to talk about Chris Benoit. Remember that? Remember how he mentioned how many friends he had that had died, and someone said, "That's a lot of deaths," and he replied, I shit you not, "Well I have a lot of friends"? But realistically this is kind of an historic moment. Jerry says he's glad Brian didn't use the Lawler name because he's a screw-up. Brian counters back that he went to WrestleMania first. "How'd that make ya feel, daddy?" This is my kind of wrestling. Decades scorned son verbally abuses father and gets in his grill. Father...has no choice. He has to take it.
  • BUT THEN IT'S JIM ROSS??? You have gone far enough, Michael. And Jim needs to talk to you about this "Voice of WWE" stuff. A rat...bastard. IT'S TIME TO FIGHT. HAT OFF. JACKET OFF. TIE OFF. Leave your shirt on, JR. Then Jack Swagger runs in to ruin it. Congratulations, Jack. You're Stephanie's dog. I don't know who Chris Jericho is. This was all great until Swagger got involved.
  • Wait, JR's sell noises save the segment on the Cole ankle lock. eeerrguuuuggghhooowww GOD O-MIGHTY
  • Trish and Vickie and whoever built the match have the decency and common sense to make it a pure comedy match, and it's good enough. Trish takes Michelle's big kick wonderfully and Vickie gets the win. Snooki's Thesz press could have been worse. Hey did everyone on Twitter have a shit-fit over REAL WOMEN'S WRESTLERS having to sell for SNOOKI THAT BITCH? Congratulations, Dolph Ziggler and John Morrison. Enjoy WrestleMania.

What Was Bad
  • The Rock talking to little kid John Cena was hella lame. For real, this was awful. Probably not a good idea for the guy from The Tooth Fairy to bust on someone for appealing only to children. Plus it's via satellite. PLUS they do all these incredibly dorky sound effects, and Rock is using his ACTING CHOPS to make it seem all Hollywood. No thanks. No thanks, WWE. No thanks, Rock. Him addressing The Miz all SERIOUS-LIKE over DRAMATIC SCORE was unbelievably lame. If this gives you a boner, then bully for you, but not for me.
  • A Miz promo. Talk talk talk talk. Rock, Cena, talk talk talk talk. Another guy flexing ACTING CHOPS. Squinty eyes, Muppet face ACTING CHOPS. I hear some people think Miz is good. That's nice for them. It must be fun to be retarded.
  • After Miz is done sucking, the Raw GM sets up John Cena v. Alberto del Rio and Miz will face ... The Great Khali.
  • Apparently thanks to YOU, John Cena has over 5 million Facebook fans -- "Eclipsing Shaq, Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong, Jennifer Lopez and EVEN the Kardashian sisters!" A real who's who of the world's most relevant, in-prime, and popular celebrities.
  • Look, someone get Daniel Bryan a real theme. I don't want that cookie cutter FM dad angst rock they all come out to, but "The Ride of the Valkyries" is Chikara dork bullshit.
  • Randy Orton v. Mason Ryan. If I have to explain why this sucked, I don't want to know you. Batistagain is so not ready for prime time. And this establishes it -- New Nexus is the worst stable in wrestling history.
  • Nevermind, I've had enough Snooki.
  • I don't care if Drew Carey is in the Hall of Fame, but I don't want that creepy looking freak on my TV. This combined with Cole and Mathews trying to hype up "Jersey Shore" tells me they need people who are way better at plugging other shows they have to plug, because these motherfuckers are so insincere I could die.
  • Alright, look: I'm not about calling women fat, it doesn't give me a big hard-on to jerk off with. And speaking of using my boners, I would definitely use one on Snooki. That's "real talk." But it's pretty tough to have Snooki calling Vickie fat when she's so obviously and clearly fatter than Vickie.
  • Personally I thought the Sin Cara stuff was plenty cool BEFORE they added stupid looking fire effects.
  • Oh, God, enough of cross-eyed Shawn Michaels talking about HHH and Undertaker. He did it well but I've just had enough. And once again, they have got to stop doing that thing where they show me a shot of the crowd watching TV. Do they do that so that I remember I'm watching a live show? Do they actually think we're all THAT STUPID?
  • Cena v. Alberto del Rio is a lot of slow-movin' mess. Then The Miz hilariously dresses like the Rock -- what rules is that it seems like 65% of the crowd still thinks it's Rock before he takes the sunglasses off. Cena takes a 3-on-1 beating from Alberto, Miz and Big Bad Brodus Clay. And then Miz drags it out forever and Cena crawls around and they try to show us a shot of a dad and teenage son looking concerned, but they cut away when it turns out they're just bored with their hands on their chins and then start laughing. Give it up, WWE camera men. You're never going to find another Angry Miz Girl.

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