Thursday, February 3, 2011

Thoughts on Three Weeks of TNA

Hi there. I'm Scott from Tape Machines Are Rolling. You may remember me from rambling reviews of TNA Impact, WWE Royal Rumble, OVW, NWA Hollywood, way too much WCW, and Minnesota's AWF. Recently I have started watching wrestling again, and I have caught the last three weeks of Impact. Tonight was the worst overall episode, but with the best moment. Why am I using a photo of Mickie James? Because I love Mickie James. It's her or weird looking Kurt Angle. Your call. Actually my call. MICKIE JAMES!

The Good

Being forced into using Fortune as "They" is absolutely better than another tired rehash of five guys who combined are 237 years old. The fact that AJ Styles saved that show and made it worth sitting through with a GREAT promo tonight (and Bischoff held up his end, too, for once) really solidified that, and if you're hoping for TNA to actually do something that is going to get more people to watch than nutty weirdasses like you and me, you gotta pray that TNA actually backs that group. It's the right four guys, plus Angle and Steiner who still have plenty of presence. Also...Crimson. Yes. Him.

So hopefully they actually find something here and run with it and it works, but of course it's way more likely that Styles continues to be the modern day Sting, the deserving and legit franchise of the second tier company who never has the company properly behind him, even when they put belts on him or whatever, and he's never got the right opponent. Styles needs his Vader. I'm not saying a big monster guy, but just someone he clicks with beautifully and makes him look even better than he is all the time.

This is a soft "Good" -- the Knockouts. I'm not crazy about women's wrestling, period, for the same reason I'm not crazy about lesbian porn. No one to root for. I don't like Ani Difranco or Tori Amos or early Liz Phair either. Nothing to identify with. I'm a big, fat, married, nerdy, bourbon-drinking, Waylon Jennings-loving, cat-owning man. But within their bubble, the Knockouts all seem to try really hard, not just in the ring, but in getting their characters over and making them stand out. It's admirable.

Scott Steiner talking about anything.

The Bad

The X Division is dead. Honestly it might be better to just put a bullet in that old dog. A bunch of heatless three-way matches isn't helping.

Samoa Joe-D'Angelo Dinero is not going well. At all. That thing is being booked like a Worldwide mini-angle involving Chip Minton.

Mike Tenay and Taz are absurd. Taz sounds like he doesn't give a shit and Tenay has been useless and shrill through the company's entire history, totally losing what made him so effective and different in WCW. Tenay can call wrestling, he just doesn't anymore. I suppose that's only half his fault since he's not offered much to call. But I still remember a time when Billy Gunn decided he was cool with Konnan and Tenay screamed "THEY TOUCHED KNUCKLEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!!!!" like it was the fucking end of the Cold War. That sums up Tenay in TNA for me. Bring back Don West, because he had become far better than Taz has been. Get on the horn with Josh Mathews, dig around and find out when his contract is up. Do something.

Those secret backstage vignettes are the absolute fucking shits.

Dixie Carter doesn't actually know anything about running a wrestling company so it's hard to have any faith considering how many times she's been hoodwinked by the carny motherfuckers who have been doing said hoodwinking. I imagine her checking out the monthly losses with her eyes welling up. "But...but we've got Hogan...and HE said..." This is arguably Hogan's most heinous act, really, because it really feels like a physically broken down shell of what was EVER Hulk Hogan just bleeding a company dry with the idea that he actually gives a fuck about where they end up when he's done killing them off.

Tommy Dreamer.

All TNA pull-apart brawls look terrible.

Up in the Air

The Hardys could be salvaged. I hate the Hardys, but they could be salvaged. Jeff's heel promos where he really lets his southern roots shine are way better than his normal Eugene-level nonsense. Matt's good when he's trying. Try, Matt. Shannon Moore on the other hand belongs in OVW teaming with Paredyse.

The Jeff & Karen Jarrett can so go either way down the Russo tubes or into pure rasslin bullshit heaven. Jarrett's actually pretty good at humor, I think, so...we'll see.

I want to like the Dudleys feud. I really do.

The Irrational

I fucking hate Mr. Anderson.

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