Friday, February 4, 2011

Scott's TV Party: WWE Superstars for Feb. 3, 2011

While DVR'ing tonight's Smackdown and deciding to not go out because I'm tired and it's fucking cold and there's too much snow, I decided to watch last night's episode of Superstars. This decision to forego social interaction to watch wrestling is something that pleases both me and my wallet, which might sound sad to your normal person, but I'm about to turn 29 in a month and I live in a small college town. Fuuuuck that shit on a Friday night. I'm really more a Tuesday night drunk.

HEY! Why is WWE so obsessed with that Face-Off graphic that they started using years ago? It's like baby's first image edit.

Zack Ryder & Primo v. Yoshi Tatsu & David Hart Smith

PBP guy says that this is "a rematch of sorts." It is either a rematch or it isn't. DH Smith throws some competent European uppercuts and has a clear understanding of The Fundamentals. Ryder and Primo both seem stiff and zombiefied to me. Tatsu wins a chop battle with Primo b/c he is Japanese. This is the best commentary on any WWE show and it's not close. Primo misses a charge into the corner to end Tatsu's run as Ricky Morton, and Smith is throwing big boots and clotheslines and he is clapping and clapping and dropgs a BIG LEG? for two. That was an awful leg drop. Sid would be ashamed. Davey's boy breaks out the delayed vertical suplex but that turns into a jackhammer? Jesus, DH Smith has done a jackhammer and a big boot -> legdrop. This dude is cheesy. Tatsu pins Ryder and the big three-match win streak of Ryder & Primo comes to a bitter end. Generic random tag matches almost always work well enough for me, so despite Smith's total corniness, OK.

NEXT! Melina! She's still doing that paparazzi gimmick?

Melina v. Tamina

Melina's heel facial expressions on the way to the ring nearly match Smith for cheesy, and the crotch drop on the apron sort of offends me when grown men are still like OH SHIT. It's like getting an insta-hardon the 500th time you've seen full-on dick-in-pussy porno. Slingshot dies on the vine and I'm already out of this. Josh shamelessly fakes another hard-on for Tamina. What are the production meetings for this stuff? "Make sure you really drive home how much you want to stick your dick in these ladies, but also try to make it clear that both Melina and Tamina are so beautiful that you'd never have a chance, and keep it PG." Melina wins and life goes on. Melina sure is evil, you can tell by the faces she makes.

Wait there's two sets of commentators for this show? And one has Matt Striker? FUCK!

Pretty great Jerry Lawler/Raw Rumble video package.

JTG & Trent Barreta v. Tyler Reks & Curt Hawkins

BROOKLYN BROOKLYN. It's kind of shocking when you get down to it that the only hip-hop or hip-hop-influenced character to ever REALLY work in the history of the WWF is white ass John Cena. There's a real disconnect between this company and black popular culture in the last...ever. Has there ever been a black guy in a real position of power in the history of the company? Like, a guy high up on the Creative Team or whatever? They sell me on Reks as a loner during the entrance so I'm immediately fairly sure how this goes. Reks is OK but something about a really cut, modern fitness guy having dreadlocks doesn't compute for me. Dudes I've known with dreads are way too laid-back to worry about working out that much, so I can't help but see the dreadlocks as a huge put-on. This gets plenty of time and JTG does, you know, OK selling the majority of the match. Trent Barreta just doesn't strike me as someone I want to tag, even in a desperate situation. WAIT NO! He has quickness! Boy this is not for me. Ryder Hawkins gets a Natural Born Thrillas move on Barreta for a near-fall. Buuuut he falls victim to a flying elbow from Hawkins moments later. So the idea that Reks is a loner was a swerve! Oh but it is not! Reks beats up Hawkins after the match for no reason other than he's mean n shit.

From a PURE enjoyment and total watchability standpoint, I can see looking to this show every week. It's just rasslin. I can dig it. I wonder when I'll stop watching EVERYTHING?

1 comment:

  1. "Has there ever been a black guy in a real position of power in the history of the company?"

    There's always perennial Hall-of-Fame laughingstock James Dudley...