Saturday, February 5, 2011

Scott's TV Party: WWE Smackdown for Feb. 4, 2011


What's up, everybody!??!?! I have turned my Saturday morning into SMACKDOWN TIME. My wife has Fridays off so getting the TV that night for wrestling is out of the question, meaning that as long as I want to watch this show, I'll have to do it on Saturday mornings. I can think of worse things. Get up, shower, breakfast, load the dishwasher, watch Smackdown, BLOG ABOUT IT.

Albert del Rio has brought a WrestleMania pinata -- FROM MEXICO! Booker T is introduced as the newest member of the Smackdown announce team and we never hear of Matt Striker's name again. The amount of fake laughing and carryin' on during Booker T's spinaroonie is unbelievable. HA HA HA HAAA! It's almost as bad as having a trio of Joey Styles sitting there.

Vickie Guerrero starts us off! With Dolph Ziggler, but fuck him, who cares? Vickie is #1 and the best. Kelly Kelly and her permafrown hit the ring and there's something about her that is hotter than it should be, and I think it might BE her permafrown. She turns into Stone Cold Kelly Kelly and attacks her boss, leading to LayCool interfering and then Edge saving the day to build up tonight's main event EVEN MORE!

OH HEY WRESTLING

Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov v. Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater

I will never like Heath Slater no matter what he does and it's 100% because of the way his face looks and his 0.5 Truth Martini haircut. Kozlov turned into the modern-day Nikolai Volkoff pretty quickly, as only his double underhook headbutt doesn't look terrible and he seems to have lost whatever shred of coordination he ever had. Smilin' Vladimir winds up pinned after Gabriel's always-tentative 450 that he should probably stop doing before someone gets their face broken or he has some kind of nervous fit up there and refuses to jump or get down.

Elimination Chamber Qualifier: Kofi Kingston v. Drew McIntyre

I saw a McIntyre match sometime last year when I randomly stopped on Smackdown in the summer during a boring White Sox game, and I don't remember much about it. Kingston is...alright. Booker T quickly proves his shittiness as a color commentator with the great line "Kofi Kingston is trying to prove one thing in WWE and that is he is a superstar in this business." Well alright then! This match suuuuuuuuux and the finish is a stinker as Alberto gets on the tron to distract and wink at Kofi, some kind of payback, leading McIntyre to clumsily...kick Kofi in the knee from his back, and then hit his "Future Shock DDT." My ass.

Elimination Chamber Qualifier: Rey Mysterio v. Jack Swagger

I'm not being dramatic, but Rey Mysterio is literally not very good right now (and I assume it's because he's hella injured and half-interested in being here). Swagger is OK and does his best to keep this thing moving at an appropriate and enjoyable pace, and I dig the fancy kneework you can do on a guy Mysterio's size using the ropes, and I like his Vader Bomb. Rey wins with a kick and a pinning predicament so that they can say "underdog" 36 times at Elimination Chamber.

Then comes a LOOOOOOONG segment featuring Alberto del Rio and Hornswoggle, who was passing out t-shirts with Rosa Mendes. They do a pinata deal with Hornswoggle and he can't reach it so of course he hits Alberto in the balls. Then Alberto KICKS HIM! And it's all so fucking hysterical. Kofi runs in but winds up being beaten with the Singapore pinata cane. My biggest issue with this is that maybe I've just watched too many movies, but I don't see Rosa Mendes not getting in Alberto's face for kicking Hornswoggle in the head like that. It occurs to me during this whole thing that Alberto del Rio is good at everything except actually talking, where he's a little mediocre. Oh and I haven't really seen him wrestle yet so I don't know what the deal is there but I have to assume he's at least competent. I like how he looks. I like how he carries himself. I like his wardrobe. Hey maybe I'm just gay for him? It wouldn't be the first time.

Elimination Chamber Qualifier: Chavo Guerrero v. Kane

Well I suppose everyone but Dolph and Edge have to qualify, so Guerrero breaks out a "frog" splash but gets caught with the chokeslam in short order. I have no real issue with this other than saying it might be time for Chavo to look into becoming an agent. He seems kind of like a mascot now.

THE CHAPERONE!!!!!!!!!

Elimination Chamber Qualifier: Wade Barrett v. Big Show

Big Show slowly slaps away at Barrett until they go right to the finish of Barrett winning. Then Ezekiel Jackson bodyslams Big Show after the match. FEEL THE EXCITEMENT! FEEL THE ENERGY! I wish the Big Show looked like he wanted to kick someone's ass, but I guess that's happening this summer.

Edge & Kelly Kelly v. Dolph Ziggler & LayCool

This is very little of the menfolk doing anything before KELLY KELLY GETS IN AND KICKS ASS! The nasty swing into the barricade she took was awesome, and I don't mind saying that Kelly Kelly using the spear on Layla for the win kicked some serious ass and got a real reaction from Yours Truly, because it was just dandy. Then Vickie fires Kelly Kelly and sets up Edge-Ziggler again for next week, with Vickie as special referee. I also don't mind saying that after the match, before the firing, I was hoping Edge would kiss Kelly Kelly and set the love affair and eventual heel turn in motion. Heel turn of Kelly Kelly, I mean, when she leaves him for Alberto del Rio and dyes her hair black. I want this.

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