Monday, February 14, 2011
Scott's TV Party: WWE Raw for Feb. 14, 2011
Happy Valentine's Day. I hope you all got lumps of coal, ya rotten geeks.
John Cena v. CM Punk
Cena starts with a stand-up routine. I'd tell you how and why it sucks but you already know. What are you, six? Get off this blog if so. Thankfully after about 37 minutes of Cena trying to be funny, CM Punk comes out so that Cena can stare at him with his puppy dog eyes. About one minute into the actual match they go to commercial with Cole saying that Punk is dismantling Cena. These two really do have terrific chemistry and HEY! CM Punk wins again with a wrench to the head and the Go To Sleep! Boy, am I more interested in Punk-Cena than Punk-Orton. Punk is the best wrestler in the world and Cena's way better than Orton. They should somehow shift things around and put Punk-Cena in for Mania.
Awww fuck it's Alberto del Rio. Awww fuck it's Edge. Stay on Fridays and leave me alone. I know it's your destiny. I know you hair hurts and makes you want to do the spear. EXCUSE ME!!!! YES! Vickie awards the world heavyweight title to Dolph Ziggler, but he doesn't get the belt, they'll do that on Smackdown, and now Vickie says she has proof that Edge put Teddy Long out, so he'll be fired. OR WILL HE? Who cares. During all of this, Alberto stands around at ringside.
HEY IDIOTS IT'S THE UNDERTAKER
Lumberjill Match for the WWE Divas Title: Eve Torres (c) v. Natalya
I always think Eve's music is for Sgt. Slaughter at first. Apparently Natalya is the most disgusting and grotesque looking woman Michael Cole has ever seen. This match isn't bad -- I really kind of like Natalya and actually think she doesn't suck. The lumberjills can't control their emotions and Melina winds up taking her shoe off. Oh man, huge wipeout and they wind up with a bunch of broads going "You OK, girl?" "I'm OK. You OK?" and Maryse is down in a heap. I think Maryse just left. Terrible, terrible finish as Eve retains. This shouldn't happen anymore.
Backstage they did something else with the lot of broads and I don't pretend to care. How could you? How could you really, after all these years of this shit, seriously watch these shows and go, "Goldarnit, WWE, would you start booking these women like they're real wrestlers?" Plus, you know, whatever, most of the time they aren't, so who cares? They're a jerkoff bubble of the TV shows and a way to sell calendars.
Sheamus kicks Mark Henry in the face.
HEY! Michael Tarver: Wrestling Observer.
The Miz v. Daniel Bryan
Bryan does some impressive stuff as they crap on him and try to crack each other up during the entire match, which is really inferior Dave Prazak/Allison Danger commentary. This is not as good as Punk-Cena, so I now firmly believe that Cena > Miz and that's the order in which I hate their guts. The other thing about the commentary is the more I watch -- and this has taken me, like, a month -- you eventually just tune it out and wait for the few really funny parts. I mean I hate to sound preachy or fake-wise about this, but guys, it's not going to change, and this isn't the wrestling you watched five years ago or ten years ago or twenty years ago. It bears only slight resemblances, really. Also there's no such thing as credibility, which is another thing that's bugging me. They just tell you things are what they are. That's why Daniel Bryan is US champion and pussy magnet. Anyway Miz wins clean in a good match that wound up eclipsing Punk-Cena, so now I'm at Miz > Cena. WHAT A BATTLE!
Oh man - Miz is gonna do it. He's gonna bust on Jerry Lawler's dead mom. Aw, beans, nope, they puss out of that idea. That would've been perfect for a Jerry Lawler title shot, really. Miz does as much as he can without Lawler being present.
R-Truth & John Morrison v. David Otunga & Michael McGillicutty
Morrison pins McGillicutty. Pretty routine stuff. Morrison continues to grow on me. I'm really going to love when Mason Ryan gets released because he's JUST THAT BAD. Maybe he'll go rock a feud with Rob Terry.
That little girl from Modern Family and The Chaperone is here to not fit in. Why is she hunching over so much? She's introducing the Khali Kiss Cam. This is...bad. "LOOK AT HIM COME OUT! WOOOOOO!" This gets UNBELIEVABLY bad, and then they have a supposedly CUTE segment where Hornswoggle pops a boner over getting a kiss from a little girl. They'll seriously be hard-pressed to top this for off-putting segments in 2011.
King Sheamus v. Randy Orton
You know...I like Cena AND Miz more than I like Orton. Orton's Thesz press really is nothing more than a jumping penis attack. They have a match and Orton wins. He's a snake man and hears voices in his head. Then a bunch of guys brawl and Orton and Cena do a number on Nexus including the worst double team clothesline ever on Mason Ryan.
It's LIMO TIME. WOMAN FEET??
No it's just The Rock. And it ruled it ruled it ruled it kicked your ass IF YA SAMEEEEEEEEEEELL
I especially liked the part where he promised to never leave again. "LOL" I'd say more about this but you can't do it justice in text.