Since I don't really have the patience right now and I only took cribbed notes while watching the show on DVR as I fought off falling asleep, I'm going to tooootally jack the style of others but with slight tweaks, like those generic ass action figures you can buy at the drug store.
What Was Good
- Scott Steiner mush-mouthing with Eric Young, who talks like Ivory, was a decent enough backstage bullshit cutaway thing. I like EY segments because he never fails to get home what he was going for, even if what he's interrupting is drowning.
- The Jarretts are magical all night. First off, you have dress fitting with Tad, except she's not trying on any dresses and merely judging the book by the cover while Jeff drinks champagne and helps her whine. The bit at the church is the best of the three, as the Father exclaims, "That's blasphemy!" and receives a classic Jeff Jarrett comedy retort, "No it's not! It's non-denominational!" The tux bit is brief and also works. Jeff and Karen have tremendous on-screen chemistry, reminding me in a lot of ways of Gorgeous Jimmy Garvin and Sunshine, but not Gorgeous Jimmy and Precious, which is weird since Jimmy and Precious were actually married and Sunshine was his cousin, but listen, I'm not here to judge anyone, least of all Jimmy Garvin. Sunshine was hot and was an absolute natural on camera. Karen is also a natural, and I guess she's hot. The Jarretts are the best thing going in TNA. Jeff also might be the most underrated comedy guy in recent memory. He's awesome. #YourIdeaOfWrestlingIsRingOfHonorSoJustWatchThat #NotSoHardIsIt #JustSayin #whyumyex
- Dear @TNADixie: Posedowns? #FUCK Dear@TNADixie: Didn't you SEE Triple H and Scott Steiner or should I say SCOTT STEINER? #FUCK Actually this segment was OK because Scott Steiner is alright by me most of the time. He barely makes sense and I've now taken to trying to figure out whether he knows exactly what his appeal is, or he actually thinks he's like, cool and super charismatic. I have no clue. Scott Steiner is my hookup to the lost world of not knowing how much acting someone is doing.
- JERSEY SHORE SKANK COMING TO TNA TO CALL OUT JERSEY SHORE SKANK WHO WAS IN TNA ONCE! This actually sucks, I'm sure, but so many people whine about shit like this that I start liking it for a minute, usually. The Jarretts, for the record, are nothing to do with this. That's just quality professional wrestling bullshit. I do hope J-Woww comes back because I liked how inferior and old she looked compared to such MEGA HOTTIES as the TNA Knockouts. Wrestling is fucking great. Where else could J-Woww go where her tits look modest?
- If you take that 3 3 11 bit seriously, you are an idiot of the highest order. Your brain doesn't function correctly. You need to step away from wrestling for a while before you start making YouTube videos where you theorize that Kevin Sullivan killed the Benoit family. It is incredibly clear they're poking fun.
What Was Bad
- Oh, God, a 20-minute Mr. Anderson promo to start the show. OH, GOD, and it's going to have Rob Van Dam. OH, GOD, and washed-out Eric Bischoff is in this too. As far as bald hellraisers whose popularity peaked in 1999 go, Mr. Anderson is more Justin Credible than Steve Austin, and really not even as good as Justin Credible. Van Dam insults Anderson's wrestling ability because Van Dam knows wrestling ability. He's been in the ring with Justin Credible. Immortal looks pathetic without Fortune and Jeff Hardy with them. Anderson fumbles over his lines because he's really not as clever as he thinks he is. FUCK he sucks. He is my least favorite wrestler ever. If Dana Carvey became a wrestler, Mr. Anderson would still hold the distinction.
- Gunner & Murphy are a team I like, and it was good stuff having Beer Money put them over on commentary as viable threats and rising stars. Their match with Eric Young & the incredible worthless Orlando Jordan was ass awful terrible fucking bad however. I don't recall Jordan ever even legally entering the match, but he sure was gay and controversial and in my face. Let me make something clear: I don't hate Orlando Jordan because he pushes the gay button, or because I'm homophobic. I hate him because he sucks and he's not a professional wrestler. Pat Patterson's gay as a maypole and I like him fine.
- Every Velvet Sky bit, but particularly the bit with Sarita.
- The Dudleys keep drawing out their shitty feud and Tommy Dreamer gets involved. Can we bury this ECW shit once and for all for God's sake? It's been an 11-year circle jerk of crying and reminiscing. Enough already. These guys need to all get together and tour the country with their nostalgia act and release DVDs and leave me the fuck alone. D-Von was good here, though.
- Crimson and Magnus have a Power Plant match.
- Oh, good, ODB returns to do her fake ass gimmick. At least she lost so hopefully she'll go away again. I GRABBED MY CROTCH Y'ALL. THIS IS A FLASK. SEE?
- ENDLESS Ric Flair interview was the worst thing on the show. There comes a time when I can say about any given great old time wrestler, "I'd pay to see him." And I would. I would pay to see Ric Flair the same way I paid to see Terry Funk and Dusty Rhodes in the Lincoln Center gym in Highland, Indiana. But at this point, could I possibly take those guys seriously as a weekly deal on TV? Of course not, because they can't physically do what they used to do, and their old rattled brains spit out nonsense when they cut promos. Jerry Lawler is the same age as Flair and is a massive exception to the rule right now. Watching Lawler and comparing him to Flair makes me embarrassed for Ric Flair. Plus, Flair is going bald, has that absurd little dry ass ducktail thing going on on the back of his neck, and repeats himself constantly. He can say custom made Armani all he wants but in 1985 Ric Flair wouldn't have been caught dead wearing a loose-fitting sportcoat and a t-shirt on national television. And watching AJ Styles punch him in the face 100 times until Flair gets a moment to blade, which has at this point lost all effect because he does it every time he so much as farts on TV, is not my idea of a good time. I like Bret Hart. I'm not a big Mr. McMahon the character fan. But it was still uncomfortable and just plain icky watching Bret Hart torture a sad old man at last year's WrestleMania. That was the worst match I ever saw in my damn life. And everything Flair does now reminds me of that. It's like watching someone beat up your grandpa. I have a lot of rasslin fan affection for Ric Flair, and forgive me if watching him get physically overwhelmed by a "good guy" isn't up my alley. Plus this whole thing had Hernandez's rotten ass. That guy is the shits.
- The main event was a three-way with Anderson and RVD. There was no saving that, Kurt Angle or not.