Thursday, February 17, 2011

Scott's TV Party: TNA Impact for Feb. 17, 2011

Hey -- why did reality show cameras RVD know he'd be facing Jeff Hardy for the TNA title after beating Matt? Jeff didn't win until later in the night. Oh this isn't real at all. Oh good, we're starting with Immortal. HEY! It's Ric Flair on the split-screen. Bischoff mentions Jeff Hardy's wife. That used to be a no-no for guys girls wanted to fuck. I guess it might not matter now given the state of American women these days. Probably not such a turnoff anymore with the likes of Tila Tequila and Snooki as role models. And another thing! Anyways, Bischoff informs Hardy that he has to face RVD tonight. Apparently this is news to Jeff Hardy, but it's not news to ME or to YOU, since they've had it on their site. Jesus Christ. Bischoff gives Flair until next week, then makes cartoon bug eyes when Flair comes out now. Flair comes out and tries to extend his pimp hand re: the ladies but nobody's buying it anymore since every other week Flair marries some stripper nowadays. Flair's still Flair, though. I will never not like Ric Flair. Woo!

YES! The lovers Jarrett get massages. They make fun of Kurt. They're so in love. Kurt SHOULD be so happy for them, and the kids. Jeff's a role model for them. Yes. Yes yes yes yes. These two are awesome. Fuck y'all.

Amber Heard's accent is still just terrific. I saw the real trailer for this movie on YouTube and it turns out it's EVEN MORE retarded than it appears. Ima mess you uhhp. Did you know Nicolas Cage escaped HELL?

Backstage, Fortune and Immortal have a catfight. Scott Steiner also gets involved. Get in there, Al Snow! Break that up! Aw, fuck, it's Hernandez. I wonder if there'll be a match. Hernandez talks Mexican with those two broads. I think he's going to get his dick sucked!

Douglas Williams v. Hernandez
Rosita and Sarita have apparently decided they're all ghetto n shit now. Like, just now, backstage, before this match started. Then the cameras stay on Rosita and Sarita outside as they fight Velvet Sky and Angelina Love. THIS IS MADNESS. Williams DIIIIIIIIIIES on the border toss and Hernandez wins. Goodness gracious that was nasty. (aw gosh i hope doug williams is ok i'll include that so none of you wet your pants about my insensitivity)

Backstage Eric is on the phone. DON'T CARE. He wants Jeff out of that match later so he's trying to convince Don Callis that he should have some time off. It won't work, you know, because YOU ADVERTISED THE FUCKING MAIN EVENT ALREADY

Here's Pope and his half-assed preacher deal. He's going to insult Samoans or something. Fat TNA fans actually cheer the idea that Pope is going to feed them all like Jesus with the loaves and fishes. But instead of anything interesting happening, Samoa Joe comes out. I truly hate this feud. It has, like, no redeeming qualities. Hey I wonder if Pope goes through that table -- HE DOES! What a waste of a roasted pig.

Robbie E remains the shits but he's better than Kazarian kissing Traci Brooks. Booaawwgghhh. Kazarian just called himself "an OG of the X division." They should bring Michael Shane back. Does he still wrestle? I could see a Michael Shane/Becky Bayless pairing working really well. Stop this Jersey Shore crap. But I like Kazarian's spiel here -- LET'S DO WRESTLING MATCHES. X DIVISION MOTHERFUCKER. Personally I have never thought the X division was that great, BUT a lot of people do, so cater to those people. Fuck ME.

TNA X Division Title: Kazarian (c) v. Robbie E

This is going fine until the DQ comes pretty quickly. Cookie chokes Kazarian. COOKIE RULES! She's had ENOUGH of the name-calling! YEAH! ELIMINATE THE HATE! Oh fuck here comes Traci Brooks. Cat fight. Cat fight. Fuck this. More Cookie, less...I don't know. I don't hate Kazarian.

Flair meets up with Fortune, and they're all like, HAHA YAY RIC!! They chug Smirnoff Ice. Holy shit.

Matt Hardy v. AJ Styles

Boy if Hardy is as good as he was at AAO this could be suuuuper fun. Styles with a super sweet dive. Hardy with a damaging and impactful side effect. Aw fuck here comes Ric Flair to ruin this. SHOCKINGLY Flair turns on Styles. Gosh who could have guessed? Hardy gets the win with the twist of hate after Flair's interference. Tenay didn't give it away at all by insisting that Flair was coming down to be in Styles' corner despite earlier saying he's super tight with the Hardys and bumping fists with Immortal and all this. What DID seem weird was that Fortune were all just like HEY PAPA RIC! GOOD TO SEE YOU!

The Jarretts make out in a pool and Jeff feeds her strawberries. This is uncomfortably PORNY. And then it goes from one extreme to another as jerkoff Mr. Kennedy does his Stone Cold Steve Austin walk to the ring. He and Bischoff do a McMahon-Austin promo from 1997 except they both suck and Austin didn't have lameass tattoos sticking out from under his neckhole. Anderson even flops around into Bischoff's face after delivering his finishing move to him. Horrible. Horrible. And then the Angelina-Velvet-Winter thing backstage is even worse. Angelina Love looks like a tranny with a wig on. It's weird. It's not that I don't have a desire to bang her, but ... I should probably quit while I'm ahead here.

The Beautiful People v. Rosita & Sarita

Hernandez's new ladies win with double-teamery on Velvet Sky. Velvet has some of the worst offense this side of RVD. Velvet is upset after, but Sarita wants her career on the line next time. Women shouldn't do promos. I guess that sounds sexist but seriously, they're all terrible at it.

YES! Jeff tells Karen that he "looks awesome" in a tux. "Fresh croutons" are a draw for the wedding. I love this so much. I love this as much as these two wonderful human beings love one another. Kurt's walking around somewhere outside and he's going to Karen and Jeff's dinner party. Grow up, Kurt. Get over it. And put on a decent shirt, baldy.

Madison Rayne and Tara ruin this "women not cutting promos" thing. NEXT WEEK! Scott Steiner v. Rob Terry - POSEDOWN

Jeff apologizes to Karen about the stinky crab meat and the store-bought caesar salad. But it's OK -- they have each other. Karen complains about the wine on the third bottle. So Jeff screams at the chef. Instead Kurt is here, like an idiot. Did he prepare the food? They run away. Kurt makes an Arnold Schwarzenegger-level joke.

Taz and Tenay explain that Spike won't let them show the disturbing footage of a guy getting put through a table. Earlier a guy was put through a table. Bully Ray comes out to get in Tenay's face and Taz is starting to take exception. Sadly Taz is more engaging on the mic than just about anyone in the company even though he talks like Robbie E. They should have a Bubba Ray-Taz match. Their Hardcore Heaven match 12 years ago kicked ass, and TNA loves things that were good in 1999.

TNA World Heavyweight Title: Jeff Hardy (c) v. Rob Van Dam w/special referee Mr. Anderson

Jeff comes out of an egg like Lady Gaga. I'm starting to like Jeff Hardy. He's really got no idea what exactly he's trying to be, I think, but that's what makes the "bizarre" thing better. He's not "bizarre" like Goldust was -- he's really, truly weird and unpredictable. This match is OK, but not as good as Matt-RVD at AAO. Hardy retains with a mule kick to the balls and the twist of hate. Mr. Anderson, he takes no guff from anyone, he delivers the MIC CHECK to both Hardy AND RVD. Anderson is in my FACE.

Needs more Jeff & Karen.

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