Saturday, February 5, 2011

Brent Watches ECW House Party 1999

It's January 16, 1999 and it's House Party 1999. This is a VHS quality video I'm watching with warbled audio. Public Enemy's music plays and Danny Doring and Roadkill come out instead and Doring jokes around in a Rocco Rock voice about Public Enemy being in the house tonight, Roadkill says chickens and the crowd says "shut the fuck up." Then they do the whole thing over again as Doring is not satisfied with Roadkill's Grunge impersonation. Spike Dudley's music hits to cut him off.
Spike Dudley vs. Danny Doring & Roadkill

Spike takes over on both men on the outside and this is just kind of stupid. I spent some time just browsing around DVDVR earlier today and found out that some people think Spike Dudley was one of the best wrestlers in the world in his ECW days which I find to be absolutely absurd. I mean, I've seen Spike in all periods of ECW and I just find nothing about his shtick to be interesting and nothing about his work to be good. He can be plenty fun in the right situations, but that doesn't make him a great wrestler. Joey Styles tells me to think what I want of Doring and Roadkill but that they're the future of wrestling. That's probably the most wrong that Joey has been about anything thus far. Doring and Roadkill weren't the future of fuck all. Anyway, Spike wins because this is a predictable Spike opener. But whatever, the fans liked it. Pretty much all the usual stuff you'd expect in a Spike Dudley match but he really doesn't find himself in peril much at all which makes it kind of dumb.

Steve Corino vs. Chris Chetti

Steve Corino is another "part of the young ECW locker room, with a long future ahead of him." And Chetti is young also, so Styles' raging "future of wrestling" boner isn't going anywhere. Corino looks like a super young dork at this point and not the mangled old dork that he looks like now. Corino also has the most incredibly jank ass singlet with a lightning bolt and his name spelled out in what look to be iron-on letters. Corino with a weak slap to refuse Chetti's handshake. Styles calls Corino a wuss and a jerk for teasing a dive but instead sliding to the floor. How he teases throwing Chetti into the guardrail but rolls him back inside the cage instead. Chetti takes ver with irish whips into the guardrails because ECW! ECW! ECW! before taking him back inside for some good old fashioned Chetti offense (translation: he's going to do some awful looking shit). They move into a segment of really contrived, obviously planned out "move and reversal" shit and this sucks all kinds of shit. I'm falling asleep trying to watch this, and that's not me being all "god, I'm soooo bored." I'm honestly getting heavy eyelids that only typing are fighting off. "You suck dick chant" makes the crowd 2 for 2 in busting that one out and they follow it up with a "you're an asshole" chant. I don't even want to call the action. This sucks and is exactly the kind of shit hate so I could use them moving this along. Chetti gets the win with a double springboard moonsault. Two matches in we've had the last ECW tag champs lose in an uncompetitive handicap match and arguably the company's top heel at the end get beat by Chris Chetti. Things changed a lot in a very short amount of time.

Little Guido vs. Antifaz del Norte

FBI out first and I'm not sure if it's the pissy mood I'm in thanks to this crazy ass snowstorm we're having in the midwest or what, but I'm just not feeling this whole FBI thing right now. I mean, I've still got a soft spot for Tracy Smothers and Little Guido is alright to really good (depending on the night). Maybe it's just that I know I'm going to get way too much by way of interference and it's going to bog down the match. Guido works the more mat based stuff and tries to slow del Norte down while Antifaz is trying to "go fast" and use some flying shit. It's not bad early on but it just feels kind of bland. I don't know, something is missing here. Antifaz keeps trying to bust out suplexes and whatnot but they're a little lacking and now he locks a submission up and Smothers makes the save and they team up on Antifaz in the ring. Nova makes the save as Antifaz dives to the outside. Now, if this isn't a DQ and the FBI could have the entire FBI get in the ring and attack his opponent...why don't they just do that every single match? Anyway, Nova clears everyone out and goes for the pin on Guido. I assume this means it's now a tag match. Antifaz pins Guido for the three count and Nova's music plays. Holy shit, that was incredibly pointless and one of those moments that just puts the ECW flaws on display. I love some of their garbage flowing changing matches, but you can't just allow for any interference you want...nor can you just have a guy run in to make the save and suddenly start making pin attempts with no explination. ...moving on.

Super Crazy vs. Tajiri

I loved their first match and they get going quick early here. Tajiri goes right to the tarantula and actually applies it correctly this match after kind of botching it last time. This is moving a little too quickly for me as we're about two minutes in in and Tajiri has already had a dive, a head kick, the tarantula, a standing moonsault, a missed top rope moonsault and Crazy has hit an Asai moonsault to the floor. This is fine but I'm not feeling it like I was at Guilty as Charged. Maybe I'm just in the wrong mood to be watching this right now. Who the fuck knows. It's almost like their first match didn't get a big enough reaction and they're trying to go huge non-stop and it's actually dragging it down a bit for me. I have a feeling that the short time going through all these shows is really going to have these two wear on me. They wrestled at Guilty as Charged, House Party '99, Crossing the Line (the next show up) and Living Dangerously (the show after that). So four straight shows and four straight Tajiri/Crazy matches. This is getting a bit better as they start to slow it down a bit. Someone in the crowd calls for Tajiri to "kick him in the head" a few times before screaming "KICK HIM IN THE FUCKING HEAD!" and shortly after Super Crazy wins with an inverted tornado DDT. I'd be lying if I said it sucked, but it was nothing special.

Justin Credible (with his crew) vs. Tommy Dreamer

Joey tells me that Nicole Bass is "the only woman who could make Howard Stern's private parts go limp" for a really dated joke and now says that Nicole is "sexually harrassing the ring announcer" in a hillarious kind of foreshadowing moment. Out comes Tommy Dreamer, we get the introductions and Lance Storm's music hits. Lanth wath jutht thittin in the back and now he wanth to be in the match becauth people don't realith how good hith match with Rob Van Dam wath. (he has a lisp, see? it was a funny joke) The crowd chants "three way dance" and Tommy tells us that no one really gives a fuck about Lance's "Canadian great match" and makes it a three way dance. Now he tells Credible to get some balls and send his crew to the back stage so he can face Tommy one-on-one. This mere seconds after making the match a three way dance and eliminating the one-on-one thing. Aaaand Tommy tells Jason to go suck a dick and says Nicole Bass has a dick and then calls Tammy Lynn Bytch "a carpenter's dream...flat as a board and easy to screw." I wouldn't exactly call her flat, but okay. Now Tommy says he wants to see a decent pair of tits so Francine comes out. This is a fucking nightmare for me every second that we've got Tommy doing his "I'm so fucking cool" shtick. Francine says she's going to show her tits and Storm covers her up...and the match is finally going.

Tommy Dreamer vs. Justin Credible vs. Lance Storm

Dreamer with an early fallaway slam and he does a Scott Hall pose while Styles says "hows it goin' mang" and I hate them both a little more. They couldn't hold Scott Halls jock on his drunkest day. It's basically a handicap match until Credible breaks up a Storm pin because he wants to be the guy to pin Dreamer. Tommy goes out and gets a ladder and we're about to hear "Innovator of Violence" far too many times. Dreamer misses both men with one of his unathletic "frog splash" attempts and all is well in the Storm/Credible partnership again until Dreamer does the ladder on the head helicopter spot. Dreamer DDTs Credible's head into Storm's dick and Credible's black lady and Bytch break up the double pin, then Dreamer is going to attack them so they kick him in the balls before rolling around on the ground while Styles shreiks "CATFIGHT!" and this show really is a complete reflection of all the things I hate in ECW. Storm lays out Dreamer with a cane shot, then turns on Credible delivering one there as well before turning to celebrate while Dreamer rolls up Justin behind his back for the three. Then a russian leg sweep with the cane on Storm for another three count...and that's it. This match can go to hell.

If this show wasn't pissing me off enough to this point I now am god awful sick so this is only going to get better.

ECW Tag Team Title Match: Rob Van Dam & Sabu (c) vs. Balls Mahoney & Axl Rotten

Balls does a one man moshpit in the ring as Walk by Pantera plays RVD and Sabu to the ring. The story here is that Axl has yet to capture the tag title but did lead Balls and Masato Tanaka to a title reign while he was out with injury. Now he's looking to capture the titles with Balls. I've got a soft spot for Balls (ha!) so Axl never pissed me off teaming with him, they were kind of an ideal ECW tag team so I ain't mad at 'em. The fans chant for all four wrestlers and I suppose that's cute. It wouldn't be an ECW tag match if I didn't at least bitch once about the tag rules that seem to appear and disappear mid match. Balls and Axl run a series of moves on RVD so after he kicks out of a pin he turns and smiles at the camera and says "kinda got my bell rung" so that adds to my frustration with the show. Sell the flurry of moves you just too, you fucking dork. RVD knocks Axl off the turnbuckle and could frogsplash him but instead gives him the finger and dives at Balls on the outside. Balls lands a nasty belly to back on RVD and reminds me why I like him. Sabu runs at Balls on the apron and hits him with a crossbody sending both men through a table. Balls hit his superkick and had RVD pinned and Sabu mistimed his stupid ass leg drop to break up the pin so the ref had to stop counting. And it's time to get super contrived as Balls hits a splash from one corner after checking to make sure that Sabu was ready on the opposite corner. So it's a splash and then a leg drop by Sabu to break up the pin. Double leg drop through the table on Balls for the pin. Not offensively bad or anything but like most things on this card it just exposed the problems of a lot of shit.

ECW Heavyweight Championship: Chris Candido vs. Taz (c)

It's funny how much the PPV production values add to these shows. The lack of entrance ramp and Taz's lights not happening for this match just feels weird. I know there was a period back in the day where it was super trendy for the "smarks" to hate on Taz but I didn't realize that it's only grown since this time period. Francine jumps on the apron and hits Candido with a chair and then the Pittsburgh Plunge on the chair. Tammy Lynn Sytch slaps Douglas before getting in a brief catfight with Francine. Douglas sends Francine to the back while Candido is assisted to the locker room.

Douglas lectures Taz about how he built the belt and the fans cheer. Douglas asks for a world title match and Taz says to ring the fucking bell and it's now:

ECW Heavyweight Championship: Taz (c) vs. Shane Douglas

I really wish this were Candido. This was Shane's. Anyway, they start with a lot of mat work and chain wrestling and I'm glad that this isn't the exact same match as Guilty as Charged. Taz with a T-Bone Tazplex and I just don't get how it's cool to hate Taz. Little motherfucker that just threw assholes on their heads. I can always get down with that if you don't suck, and Taz doesn't suck.

They fight up into the bleachers and suddenly we ARE having the Guilty as Charged match again. Douglas ends up throwing Taz through a table holding the tapes that were for sale and now on the t-shirt table and I can't help but wonder if this was worth they money they might lose from some of that merch getting ruined. The two men fought outside the arena briefly which is about the least fan friendly thing possible, but fuck the fans. This is E-C-W! God dammit, these Taz/Douglas matches just were not as intense, violent or good as they clearly wanted them to be. Which I suppose is a fine way to sum up this entire event. It's not even that the match is actively bad, it's just clearly not on the level that they're going for. Tazmission-plex through the table gets Taz the win. Meh.

The fans all clap and cheer both men and it just feels like a forced "we watched something special" moment. The fan's chant "please don't go" while Douglas gets all emotional. Am I forgetting something? This wasn't Shane's last ECW match. I'm sure I could look it up, but I don't really care. It's Shane Douglas and I fucking hate him.

The Dudley Boyz come out and Buh Buh says that he's going to "shoot" with the crowd because The Public Enemy didn't show up. Now they leave as they won't be having a match. "No bullshit, goodnight" says Buh Buh after explaining that P.E. would be on WCW Souled Out as they sold out. NO PUBLIC ENEMY? OH RATS!
Skull von Crush vs. Sid

Skull von Crush just recently took Rob Van Dam to the limits (SHOCKER! RVD WAS TAKEN TO THE LIMITS!) Judge Jeff Jones comes out and calls out Sid after being spit on by Skull. Out comes Sid and he kicks Skull in the ribs a few times while Styles puts this over as "history being made." Chokeslam from the ring through a ringside table goes awry a bit as Skull hits the top rope and ends up going through the table on his knees. Powerbomb, pin and we move on. Oh, wait. The fans are chanting "one more time" so Skull takes one more powerbomb (this one much better than the first). Aaand, now we move on.

Joel Gertner is out now to confirm that Buh Buh, D-von and Big Dick have left the building. Instead of getting that match, we're all being treated to Gertner Vision. Joel rambles on for a while about the Public Enemy back in 1995 and how much he and the fans used to love him. He shits on both PE members. Johnny Grunge stunk considerably and Rocco Rock was not a good wrestler. The only PE we're going to see tonight is pussy eating in Joel's hotel room. OH MY GOD! HERE COME THE PUBLIC ENEMY! ...nevermind, it's the Dudley Boyz. D-Von does a Johnny Grunge impression while D-Von bitches about his aching back in his Rocco impersonation. Blah, blah, blah.

Finally at the end of the promo here come the real Rock and Grunge and they take it to the Dudleys before the tables turn. Uh-oh. Here comes New Jack. The Dudleys tell Jack to get his former rivals but instead he turns and lays out the Dudleys with a trashcan. The PE run them off and dance in the ring and walk through the crowd to end the show.

The good: No?

The Okay: Crazy/Tajiri (but still disappointing) and I guess Taz/Douglas

The Bad: My time watching this turd.

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