Saturday, January 22, 2011

Scott Watches SuperBrawl II

February 29 from the Mecca Arena in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Your ringside hosts this evening are the brand spankin' new tandem of Jim Ross and Jesse "The Body" Ventura. Tony Schiavone and Eric Bischoff are first to greet us, however. What do you know, they disagree on everything. It's going to be a TREMENDOUS night! Before we go ringside, we go backstage to Missy Hyatt. Missy Hyatt spent a lot of time trying to get interviews, and rarely actually got any. Ross is in the ring, he introduces Ventura, because Jesse needs a big entrance with music and everything. And apparently a motorcycle. Oh God let's get this going already.

CLIPPED FROM THE TAPE: Marcus Alexander Bagwell def. Taylor Made Man, Ron Simmons def. Cactus Jack, Z-Man & Van Hammer (ugh) def. Vinnie Vegas & Richard Morton.

WCW Light Heavyweight Title: "Jushin" Thunder Liger (c) v. Flyin' Brian

Despite Pillman's xenophobic rant against the Japanese at the last Clash, Liger is waving hello to the fans in Milwaukee and seems to have little intention to close down any factories, which Pillman was very concerned about. Liger hits what is not a moonsault to the floor, but instead a somersault, but Ross is quite certain that it is, in fact, a moonsault, which is a strange little stumble because we all know that Ross knows what a moonsault is. Karate kicks, football, moonsaults -- these are things Jim knows. There is a vocal part of the Milwaukee audience that does not care for Brian Pillman. Maybe they're Japanese.

Is there a reason that restaurants insist on piling a pound of lettuce on all burgers? My big fat ass gets a burger night now and then, as since I am lazy and it's cold outside, I have stopped my regular and effective exercise routine, so I'm trying to eat better for the most part BUT I am also lazy about that and wind up pounding Pepsis like Greg Valentine pounds beers, and anyway I get a burger now and again, and tonight we did Chili's, because this city has SHIT for food and I like their mushroom swiss burger OK, and this damn thing was just demolished with lettuce. Jesus Christ, it threatened to ruin an already mediocre burger. Next time it's just chips and salsa for Daddy Fat Sax.

The quality of my video is delightfully shit. Almost perfectly bad. I can still tell exactly what's what and it's fine to watch, but it's fucked. I could probably get better, but why? This match holds up, and I've seen it probably, like, eight times in my life. I like when dudes say they've seen something probably 100 times. You haven't. You've seen it like five or seven or eight times or something. But the best is when dudes say they've seen the full version of (this clipped match (not this, it isn't clipped)), and you know they haven't seen a fucking full version ever in their entire fat lives.

Flyin' Brian busts up wedges. After an earlier superplex failed, Liger gets a second attempt all the way home and gets a dramatic near-fall. Liger misses the diving headbutt, Pillman bridges back on that pinning predicament I no longer know the name of, and wins the title back from ol' "Jushin" Thunder Liger in a great match. Standing ovation is well-earned, and then Pillman learns to respect the Japanese and hugs Liger. ****1/2, if anyone cares.

Backstage, Missy Hyatt is talking with the Taylor Made Man, who is dressed in some Ted DiBiase nonsense (black and gold), and coming up next he's going to face Marcus Alexander Bagwell, who has spurned his advances. ANYWAY, since this is the THE release, THAT MATCH IS NOT ON THE FUCKING TAPE, so WHY DID THEY LEAVE THE PROMO IN?

Stunning Steve Austin & Larry Zbyszko v. Barry Windham & Dustin Rhodes

"You can tell (Madusa's) been to the gym, her chest looks great." Ventura pays for himself quickly. I actually had that Larry Zbyszko AWA action figure. I had him and The Road Warriors. I don't know why. I assume someone just bought them because I liked wrestling. Either way, I wish I still had all those. Now I just have a few. If I had more money, I'd re-buy shit I had when I was 8. That's kind of fucked up.

Anyway, this match is heated as everyone wants Barry to get a piece of Zbyszko. Windham is back in one of his serious grooves, given something useful to do and showing himself again as one of the best in the world. Ross questions Ventura's football knowledge. Dustin gets the tag from Barry and goes to work. Dustin just gets more and more impressive, and you could say he's been helped along with great tag partners and great opponents, but he never looks like he's being *carried*, he just looks like he belongs. Zbyszko is awesome in this match. Kind of weird to think he'd be done as a full-time wrestler very soon. Dustin gets his ass kicked for a while.

One thing about Barry Windham is he comes off as one of the least trustworthy guys ever. Barry strutting around with Dustin, with his hand all wrapped up, it just makes you think he's going to punch Dustin in the eye at any time. Every Windham babyface stint felt like it could end in any match. He was such a fucker. Match ends when Windham catches Zbyszko with a flying lariat. Like ***1/2, if anyone cares. Uh oh! Rating matches. I'll try to stop. Or I won't. I don't care what you think of me. Who are you?

Fuck your self, Bischoff. After that nonsense, Missy Hyatt is gonna attimpt an innerview with Ricky Steamboat, but she's headed off by the Ninja. Inside the dressing room, Steamboat is farting around with fire. Now Missy runs into Madusa. She tries to seduce the Ninja. It doesn't work. So she slaps him and he chases her off. Missy then has an opening to go into Steamboat's dressing room, but doesn't take it. Because it's just about having fun backstage with Missy, not about any sort of consistency or logic. I'm so sick of Missy Hyatt.

WCW World Tag Team Title: Arn Anderson & Bobby Eaton (c) v. The Steiner Brothers

After the entrances, GMC announces that K. Allen Frey has barred Paul E. Dangerously from ringside. So Madusa comes down to replace him. Veeeeeeery interesting. Or not! I don't know how you feel. I'm not here to tell you how to feel. Most of the time. Sometimes I am.

"You know that guy ain't all there, how can you say he graduated from college?"

"He did! It's the truth!"

So what's NOT the truth? That he's an idiot? Do mental retardeds often chew tobacco? Why didn't they ever elaborate on his alleged accident that turned him into a dolt? Or did they? Do I really care? Am I really saying anything worth reading? Is Scott Steiner in the ring with Bobby Eaton? YES HE IS! Let's go from there. Ah, fuck, that part ends pretty quick and Arn is tagged. He wants Rick. He probably shouldn't. Last time I saw them together Rick bit his ass. Maybe Arn enjoys it. Maybe he wants to be bitten on his ass. Arn should hang out with more midgets. A small "Jesse's bald" chant breaks out a few minutes after. Given the talent involved, this is somewhat disappointing. But it picks up when Scott hits the tilt-a-whirl on the ramp on Eaton, who seems to really enjoy falling on that thing.

Thiiiis...ain't as good as I wanted. Expectations can wreak havoc upon one's viewing of a professional wrestling bout, and perhaps that's coming in here. I feel like I'm not digging this, but in reality I'm digging it OK. It's just you'd really expect this to be cutting a higher pace. Maybe they shouldn't have signed these folk up for so much time. And it's also worth noting that the Steiners never were quite as good as they were before Scott's bicep injury. Eaton rocket launches onto the ramp. He REALLY loves falling on that thing. Someone's gotta, and I missed the Cactus Jack match on this show, so I'm glad Bobby's stepping up.

Scott takes a pretty big beating for a while. Maybe when he tags that idiot brother of his I'll make a little bit of a boner in my pants and this match will be better. Well here it is -- nope. No action in the land down under. Bobby crossbodies Rick off of Arn's shoulders, but the rotation is too much and -- oh, JR is saying Steiner caught him and slammed him, which is definitely not the case. Rick suplexes the ref after he gets blinded, and prepare fer yer Dusty finish! Eaton's not the legal man, but is pinned after a Frankensteiner, and YOU GUESSED IT! Decision is reversed and the champs retain via DQ. Awww darn.

Backstage, Missy Hyatt blah blah blah, next match.

WCW United States Title: Ravishing Rick Rude (c) v. Ricky Steamboat

Paul E. was banned from ringside for this match before the show. Rude gathers heat and gathers heat and gathers heat on his pre-match shtick. I am not a Milwaukee meathead, but I AM a cable-watching COUCH POTATO. Oh, good! I'm about to find out what a real man is supposed to look like! I can't wait!

Fuck. I'm screwed. I'll never be a real man now. Slow start to the match. While they trade holds and stuff, I'll go on an aside. I got a Twitter for this stupid blog and to follow things that Scott Hall says and monitor Sting's amazement that people on the internet act like dicks, and I noticed there's a Hacksaw Jim Duggan Twitter account, and that account follows two things: TheBobSeger and RealMeatLoaf. That might be the best thing I've ever seen via Twitter.

Son of a bitch, this match is straight out of 1975. A Rude clothesline is a highspot. This is nothing but holds and weardown offense. Rude keeps hitting clotheslines with his bad left arm. This is a reverse change of pace from the Pillman-Liger match, which is 200mph for 1992. This is trolling a residential area, but you're doing it in a GTO. Rude goes to pose, but his left arm hurts too much so he has to go one-armed to show me what a real man looks like.

Ross drops a jab: "There's no money in bodybuilding." Haaa! Take that, fans in Connecticut! ;) ;) ;) They get moving toward the final bit of the match and it picks up fairly well. It's better than the disappointing tag title match, because both these guys can go slow well, and they both sell well, and they're both intriguing characters with a personal rivalry that has GONE TOO FAR, and Steamboat is getting rolling and getting confident, and Jim Ross is starting to build up a fine line of crazy. Rude and Steamboat do a lot of staggering in this match. Steamboat goes to the well one too many times, and The Ninja hits Steamboat with a cellphone. Oh! That fucker! Rude wins! You could make this look like a truly epic match with some sweet Kevin Dunn skills.

Eric and Tony are going to hand it back to Missy Hyatt backstage. Missy, the idiot, feels that the Ninja must have gone crazy or something. She opens the door to the DA locker room -- oh it was Paul E!

Will you ever win, Missy? Will you ever win?

WCW World Heavyweight Title: Lex Luger (c) v. Sting

HEY! Back to the future! Har har. Luger starts tentatively, but it comes alive on a clothesline that turns Sting inside out, INSIDE OUT, and then Sting racks Luger mere moments later. Sting with a jumping DDT after. Dude got some air. Sting, he could jump. Like Lance Storm except he sucks less.

Not enjoying the torrid pace, Luger turns down the heat. Luger is walking around the ring looking like he has no ... I don't know, like he's just walking around the ring doing fake stuff, if you know what I mean. I mean, he's doing moves, but then he just moseys around for a little bit. And he's bulked up and rusty and dude gasses the fuck out in short order.

Great moment where Ventura shows his level of familiarity of the promotion, as Ross mentions that Luger for months funded the box gimmicks with Jack and Abdullah, and Ventura asks, "Oh well how do you know that?" "He admitted it!" Not Jesse's best moment.

Luger is being so lazy about this that Ross has no choice but to try and cover for it. Nonchalance, arrogance, conceit, confidence, etc. He's gotta say something, because Luger is huffing and puffing around the ring between moves with his hands on his hips. Harley wants the piledriver, so Luger delivers one. Ventura joins in and the commentary is starting to peak. Ventura is still in Luger's corner, but pointing out tactical, minor mistakes. Sting starts fighting back with a series of discus punches. Sting wins with a flying crossbody, which kinda sucks. But here he is, your two-time WCW champion, Sting! The ball is back in his court, but this time there are actually some useful challengers in line. Match really kind of sucked a dick, but title changes back 'round this time were still a big enough deal that the crowd soaks it in right good.

See you in '95, Lex.

1 comment:

  1. I absolutely love this blog, discovered it last week and have been checking out old posts regularly. Slowly working my way thru the old ones up to the newer stuff, great sense of humor and very entertaining. I find myself watching some of the old school 90's stuff on Youtube as I'm reading these. Loved the era.