Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Scott Watches Starrcade '91: Battlebowl: The Lethal Lottery

December 29 from the Norfolk Scope in Norfolk, VA, as we close out another year of hot and heavy, sweaty, oily, muscle-bound WCW action. Jim Ross and Tony Schiavone is ringside. Up somewhere else, Eric and Missy are with Magnum TA for the drawing of teams. THIS is the type of gimmick PPV I enjoy. All the wrestlers are on the stage for the drawing.

Michael "P.S." Hayes & Tracy Smothers v. Marcus Alexander Bagwell & Jimmy Garvin

HEY. Whaddaya know? Tag partners on opposing teams, and rivals (Hayes and Smothers) on a team. You just get the darnedest tag teams with the Lethal Lottery, I tell ya what. Bagwell is your hot new WCW rookie who literally will not go away until my entire stupid project is over. This motherfucker. The Freebirds amuse me by starting cheap heat babyface clapping on OPPOSITE CORNERS. Then Hayes winds up doing the Braves chop. This arena being well-lit owes to the fact that they actually got about 9,000 people in the building, and it makes everything look different and great, and the cameramen are not unaware of this, as they're totally willing to go with gratuitous shots of seats being filled. Bagwell has learned clapping from the Freebirds. Tracy has learned "hey that guy cheated or the like!" from the Freebirds, too. Is Tracy Smothers still cool to hipster wrestling fans? By which I mean wobbly dumpy fat guys who go to CHIKARA. Schiavone drops the hopeful idea that maybe two guys will get paired up tonight and find out they have some chemistry and do something to this shitty tag division.

Smothers stays in a while and starts getting dominated by the team of Garvin and Bagwell, who may have some differences but both want the fans to cheer them, so they get along OK. Smothers and Hayes on the other hand are not on speaking terms. Finally, Smothers tags Hayes, who gets in with Bagwell, who is just awful, and it's not like I'm breaking his balls with that, because he just shouldn't be out there. Hayes does not have the trouble tagging that Smothers seemed to have earlier, as Tracy is already back in. Eventually, we get to the Hayes versus Garvin period. And they're ready to go, because they're noble men who do things the right way. Fuckin' Freebirds. They have a little exhibition with one another and fuck around some. So after a couple of minutes of Freebird horseshit (enjoyable), they both tag out and get a laugh. Bagwell gets two on a crossbody, then takes a cheapshot at Hayes, then Hayes gets in and floors Bagwell with a left, Garvin spins Hayes around, and he gets dropped too. So the Freebirds argue, and Tracy flies off the ropes with a whatever the fuck THAT was, and Bagwell's knees are up, and a fisherman suplex wins it, so Bagwell and Garvin advance. Freebirds shake hands and make up. Oh, I see the replay now. It was the move where Smothers jumps at Bagwell's knees and Bagwell forgets to get his knees up. The ol' switcheroo.

Aw FUCK your clip.

Clipped: Ravishing Rick Rude & Stunning Austin def. Big Josh & Van Hammer
Clipped: Dustin Rhodes & Richard Morton def. El Gigante & Larry Zbyszko

Mike Graham & Diamond Dallas Page v. Bill Kazmaier & "Jushin" Thunder Liger

This is about the most random fucking possible match they could have put together, and it's JUST GENIUS that they brought over fucking JUSHIN LIGER and then on PPV give him Mike Graham and green, old DDP to show his skills against. I almost believe they really randomly selected these matches now because they cannot be that stupid. Kazmaier gets in with Graham after a brief Liger exhibition, and Ross goes, "Well...Graham likes takin' on big guys," which I suspect was a little jab at the Sid thing with the squeegee, which is something I wish had never happened because now 12 year olds who weren't even alive talk about it like they know from Sid. Kids today don't know SHIT about Sid, and that upsets me. In the Observer when Meltzer noted that DDP was out of managing and would become a wrestler, he added something like, "Yes, seriously," which I find funny. DDP is so annoying, but I mean, if you like wrestling and followed around his active years, don't you at least SORT OF have to admire him? Some people do that "friends with Bischoff" bit, but Page actually got pretty good even though he was like a 51-year-old rookie, and while they put the title on him too late, there legitimately was a period when it would have made sense and I think could have drawn money, which is kind of crazy. Then he stalked the Undertaker's wife and the Big Dog protected his Yard and basically killed DDP.

Oh my God, it's Jushin Liger against Diamond Dallas Page in 1991. All that happens is a DDP Russian legsweep and a Liger spinning heel kick. Graham gets back in and Liger turns it up a little. But then Kazmaier's in and I think about gettin a Currs Light and a big slice of Domino's Pizza or somethin, a CURRS LIGHT would taste awfully good right now, and Jushin Liger is back in the ring. Mike Graham has an awful Boston crab. Liger and Graham struggle through a pin reversal spot and then just stop. This fucker really drags on. It finally ends when the big guy picks up the little guy and throws him at Page.

Lex Luger & Arn Anderson v. Terrence Taylor & Z-Man

Z-Man's all, "I hope this guy doesn't cheat, what's with this! I don't like this guy! You're fulla hot air, Taylor!" and Taylor is like, "Awww farts, this guy's a real wet blanket." But then Taylor is just rolling with the punches, and he trades blows with Anderson and Luger, as Ross and Schiavone start saying that he's not happy with The Computer and that he's really underrated. Taylor gets to make a fine showing against Luger. Schiavone remarks, "I tell ya, Taylor did not give up and that has to be a his cap." He tries to move on, and Ross won't let him. Zenk gets in and gets DDT'd by Arn, because Zenk's a turd. Taylor breaks up the pin. Well fuck, you know? Arn and Luger are like, "What the heck, guy?" But fuck, you know? Terrence Taylor wants to win, too, you guys. They team up and get Taylor out of there, though. If you ask me, the Z-Man should apologize for ever having doubted Taylor. This was a pretty decent match, too.

Ricky Steamboat & Todd Champion v. Cactus Jack & Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker

Parker ruins the gimmick by starting to stand up before his name is announced backstage, and then once it is, Abdullah the Butcher beats the shit out him. So Cactus goes out by himself, and then Abdullah starts waddling down to ringside. Referees prevent that from happening. So it's just Steamboat and Champion against Cactus, it appears. If this could just be Steamboat and Jack and Champion stands his tired ass on the apron, that'd be great. Oh, wait, there's Parker again, and Abdullah beats the shit out of him again. Parker makes pig-screech noises to the point that it's slightly disturbing. Everything is a spinning karate kick to Jim Ross. Ugh, Champion gets tagged in. Parker inches his way down the ramp so he can try to get in this thing. Almost as dramatic as Austin not quitting against Bret at WrestleMania. And this falls apart with Turd Champion in there. Jesus Christ this guy was even worse than Firebreaker Chip. Buddy Lee gets tagged, even though he's NOT IN A LEGAL CORNER, and Jack throws in him. Steamboat also tags in and finishes Parker off right quick with a powerslam and the crossbody. Buddy Lee Parker just put in the most heroic performance I've yet seen since 1988. That bone-picking Dragon Steamboat ought be ashamed of his excitement. Abdullah the Butcher did your dirty work, dude.

Sting & Abdullah the Butcher v. Flyin' Brian & Beautiful Bobby Eaton

Abby smiles on his way to join Sting at ringside, then attacks him with the stick. That stick is getting a lot of use tonight. Then Pillman gets there, and he breaks that up. And then Eaton runs in and hits Pillman and Sting. (Eaton had joined the Dangerous Alliance between the last Clash and this show.) And this is just a big clusterfuck. These people can't control their emotions. I get Abby, he's a lunatic. But Pillman and Eaton should know better. These are professionals. Sting flies onto Eaton on the ramp. That ramp allowed for lots of that shit. Listening to Tony Schiavone say "pencil" is great, but not as great as Jim Ross saying his pencil (which Abdullah has stolen) is "sharp as the dickens!" Abby uses the pencil to Sting's throat, and Pillman dropkicks Abby, and I hate this match. I really hate this match. This is a story for seven-year-olds (this guy's even stupider because he's older) and I'M A MAN! We Want Flair! You sold out! Bobby wants to tag Pillman, but Pillman just stands there like a complete unprofessional. I hate this match. Wow. Sting and Eaton fight over a tombstone piledriver, with Sting unable to wrangle Bobby into position, and then Sting just sort of throws him on his face, and Eaton and Sting sit there looking around, and this has gone to pure rotten hell. Cactus gets in with Abby's stick, misses Sting and hits the Butcher, and Eaton walks into a crappy flying crossbody from Sting. Pillman is happy for his friend, yet won't be able to earn a shot at the world heavyweight title. Pillman's a jerk.

After the match, Cactus Jack and Abdullah the Butcher fight each other. Get a room, fatsos.

Rick Steiner & The Diamond Studd The Nightstalker v. Big Van Vader & Mr. Hughes

Studd has an arm injury, so Nightstalker is back in WCW. Yaaay. In fact, last time I saw Nightstalker, he was dicking around with Big Cat and Sid. "The Nightstalker," says Jim, "is no Scott Steiner." Yeah no shit. Oh Jesus Christ, ALL FOUR of these guys played football or wrestled in college. Doesn't it kind of ruin the idea of a guy named THE NIGHTSTALKER to note he played college football? Steiner does his best in there with Vader (who has no mask, which is annoying me because he just looks like a fat guy without it), and then Mr. Hughes and his sunglasses get in. Hughes gets a German suplex. Steiner clearly has no faith in the Nightstalker, as he refuses to tag him. Nightstalker eventually gets a chance to make his own tag, then flies in with a clothesline. Hughes is a hot mess in there. Vader had the tag though, and he levels Nightstalker with a lariat while Steiner waits for Hughes to get off his ass and get into position for the flying bulldog. Vader almost kills the Nightstalker by jumping on his head, and Steiner had a pin at the same time, and Steiner, being a complete fucking moron, thinks that means he gets to win, even though he was not the legal man, and Rick Steiner has been in a few tag matches by now. I wouldn't assume Rick Steiner is legitimately dumb if he hadn't lost an argument to a talking puppet from a pre-recorded video on Nitro.

Clipped: Scott Steiner & Firebreaker Chip def. Johnny B. Badd & Arachnaman
Clipped: Ron Simmons & Thomas Rich def. P.N. News & Steve Armstrong

BATTLEBOWL (It's a Fucking Battle Royal)

Your participants, in order of entrance into the two rings: Big Van Vader, Marcus Alexander Bagwell, Jimmy Garvin, Dustin Rhodes, Bill Kazmaier, "Jushin" Thunder Liger, Stunning Steve Austin, Richard Morton, Todd Champion, Abdullah the Butcher, Firebreaker Chip, Thomas Rich, Ron Simmons, Ricky Steamboat, Mr. Hughes, Scott Steiner, Lex Luger, Ravishing Rick Rude, Arn Anderson, and Sting.

My money's on Todd Champion.

Arn and Steamboat go out to the ramp for no real reason, and Ross and Schiavone don't even mention it. So that was worthwhile. Vader dumps Kazmaier over the top to the ramp, and Vader looks confused as to why that doesn't matter. Because, silly Big Van, you have to dump him in the OTHER ring. WCW had the worst battle royals of all the goddamn battle royals, and battle royals suck. This goes way too long with all 20 guys in the first ring. Todd Champion works an exciting choke on Thomas Rich. Jushin Liger being stuck in the middle of this is pretty weird. Vader spends a lot of time carrying Ricky Steamboat around. And he throws him out to the ramp. ONCE AGAIN, VADER. THAT'S NOT THE WAY THIS WORKS. So Vader throws him back in. Guys are just going in and out of the ring, fuckin' around, havin' a ball. I hate battle royals. Crowd is dead, too.

Finally, someone gets thrown to ring #2, and it's Thomas Rich. The crowd does come alive a bit when Sting gets some on Luger, but the camera misses it, of course, because this is WCW. Bagwell gets thrown over with Rich, and Rich decides to, like, wrestle him. What an idiot. Mr. Hughes is straight up gasping for air in there. So many guys being thrown onto the ramp. So many guys staying in ring one forever.

HEY! Why wouldn't you make it so that being thrown out of ring one on ANY of the FOUR SIDES of the ring means you then just go to ring #2? Why limit it to one side of the ring? Morton and Liger go to ring #2. Firebreaker Chip was tossed over, too. Liger and Morton do a little exhibition while Bagwell and Chip occupy a corner with Thomas Rich. HEY! Can you imagine if they'd put Morton in with Liger earlier instead of Mike Graham and DDP? Anyway, Morton and Liger eliminate each other.

Hughes tries to impressively jump from one ring to the other (missing a crossbody on Simmons, which makes no sense to attempt there), but doesn't quite make it. HEY! This SUCKS! Even for a battle royal this sucks. Sting and Rude really start laying into each other in ring one, which propels them into ring two. So ring one is down to Luger and Vader. Very interesting! Vader puts some stank on it and puts the hurt on Lex. But Luger manages to clothesline Luger over to ring #2, so Lex is left in ring one waiting for the winner of ring two. I keep going between #2 and two, but that's how I do it. At least I'm not Brent spelling Dwayne Gill two different ways.

This match establishes something else: I hate Mr. Hughes. I knew I hated Big Cat, but, like, I hate Gator Scott Hall and post-1998 Scott Hall, but prime Scott Hall (all names) rules your balls. Steamboat, Austin, Sting and Rude wind up as the final four in ring two. Rude accidentally clotheslines Austin out, tries to toss Steamboat, but Steamer skins the cat and eliminates Rude. Rude pulls Steamboat out.

So it's Lex and Sting. Rude runs back in and hits the Rude Awakening on Sting. Now THIS is the time to give Sting the Superman performance, not at Clash 17 with the bum knee, and that's what they do. Sting rallies from way back to dump Luger and claim the first-ever Battlebowl victory. As named, anyway.

This show is not highly-regarded and rightly so because it kind of sucks, but I'm a Lethal Lottery sucker. The battle royal is crap and most of the matches fucking suck, particularly that awful Liger tag but particularly the parts where Todd Champion was in a ring later. The only good match on here was Taylor/Zenk v. Luger/Anderson, enough to make you wish Taylor would have gotten a real run.

1 comment:

  1. "At least I'm not Brent spelling Dwayne Gill two different ways."

    Fuuuuck Yoooooou