Thursday, January 27, 2011

Scott Watches Clash of the Champions XXI

November 18 from the Macon Coliseum in Macon, GA. We begin with Jesse and Jim at ringside, and they show us clips from the weigh-in for Madusa v. Paul E. Dangerously which happens TONIGHT! They get into a fight. It sucks! Jesse's shirt is kind of weird for some reason. Here's Tony with Cowboy Bill. We've got all kinds of crazy things going on, right, Bill? Of course! Teddy long is with Michael P.S. Hayes, and Hayes is trying to be cool. God, Dok Hendrix was cooler than P.S. by this point. Hayes hates Erik Watts. Teddy says Brian Pillman has a knee injury. "Brian Pyoomin" if you will.

So Jesse is ringside with Brian Pyoomin. Ventura hammers it home. Brad Armstrong comes out as Pillman says he now understands Brad's position previously -- it hurts Brian Pillman to know what a fool he was. He wants to make a public apology. Pillman offers him a slap, then clumsily attacks Armstrong's leg with his crutch. WHATRE YA DOIN! Randy Anderson disqualifies Pillman, which makes no sense. Well, here's this!

Brian Pillman v. Brad Armstrong

Armstrong tries to fight on one leg, and starts hot, but Pillman clips him in the knee and wins in under a minute. "What a piece of subterfuge for Flyin' Brian Pillman!"

NEXT: Paul E.'s Last Words?!?!

Recap of the Paul E.-Madusa angle.

In a genius moment, after they show the Dangerous Alliance including Michael Hayes walk out on Paul E.'s heinous promo, they have MICHAEL FUCKING HAYES interview Paul E. live on this show and being all, he's fightin' for all mankind! Is it so much to ask for one shred of consistency here?

NEXT: ugh.

Erik Watts & Kensuke Sasaki v. Arn Anderson & Bobby Eaton

Come ON. There's a bounty on Erik Watts' head. Well, this sucks, and it's not all Erik Watts. Sasaki's chemistry with Eaton and Anderson is negligible at best. Watts catches Eaton coming off the top rope with a right hand or something, and then gets what is generously described as an STF for the win.

Backstage, Tony Schiavone is with Johnny B. Badd. Teddy Long will be back in Johnny's corner for Johnny's boxing match with Scotty Flamingo. Back from break, and Tony is now backstage with Scotty Flamingo, who has Diamond Dallas Page and Vinnie Vegas in his corner. Vinnie's, uh, "accent" is great stuff. Nash DIES in the promo. Just DIES. Holy shit. They have a fat guy in an obvious wig pretending to be Don King from behind. This is Herb Abrams-level. Honest to God, one of the worst promos I have ever, ever seen.

Boxing Match: Johnny B. Badd v. Scotty Flamingo

So...oh my God. This is a boxing match, but they don't actually count knockdowns. And guys are standing on the apron distracting the referee. And now Flamingo takes advantage with some kicks and stuff. And THEN NICK PATRICK COUNTS A KNOCKDOWN. This is insulting on basically every level. In the second round, after dipping Flamingo's glove in water, he knocks out Badd. So I guess those 75-to-1 odds that Vinnie was talking about must have produced a lot of cash for the fools betting on the underdog. You wouldn't think they could follow with a match actually worse than Vinnie Vegas' promo, but bravo to everyone, it happened. Worked boxing matches in wrestling always come off lousy, and this is an all-time worst.

Here's a special feature on Starrcade '92. Recap of the '91 show, since they're using Battlebowl and the Lethal Lottery again. BUT DON'T FORGET THE KING OF CABLE! Anyway, in the ring Jesse and Missy will choose the first two teams. Everyone! Sit down! Dig this marquee matchup: Cactus Jack will team with Johnny B. Badd. They will face -- get THIS -- Dan Spivey and Van Hammer. Zero reaction from the audience. Why did they think this was a good idea?

Quick plug for Slam Jam. Here's Jake Roberts' incredible theme. Jayeek the Snayeeeeeeek!!!

Ghetto Odds Match: Cactus Jack, The Barbarian & Tony Atlas v. Ron Simmons & 2 Cold Scorpio

2 Cold is unknown and this is his debut. Scorpio quickly makes his mark with a plancha out to the floor on everyone. The camera misses a chunk of it as usual. This was supposed to be Robby Walker and Ron Simmons. Meltzer said at the time that Walker saw a booking sheet where he wasn't on anything past the Clash, so he just left the building assuming he was supposed to get killed at this show, and that was his walk-out. So they can't call Scorpio anything as they don't know his name. He is going to go by Ron Simmons' Partner on commentary. Scorpio tries a moonsault but slips and it whiffs, Jack sells anyway. Oh well! What can you do. HEY! Did you know Ron Simmons is the WCW world champion? You'd be forgiven for forgetting at this point. This trio of big, tough men, all over 300 pounds, does a number on Ron, including Barbarian slugging his way through everything he does. He is absolutely horrible in this match. It winds up with Simmons fighting everyone after Scorpio gets tossed to the floor. But it's OK, and Scorpio finishes Atlas with a 450, which gets a HUGE rise from the audience, and rightly so. It's hard to imagine, but with that being the first time this move showed up on this project, it really DOES come off as something crazy special. After the match, Ron Simmons talks to Jesse and introduces the world to 2 Cold Scorpio. Scorpio talks, which he probably should not.

The Z-Man/Johnny Gunn video where they go into Barney's Atlanta (which says Berneys Atlanta on the door) and one of the salesgirls is reading WCW Magazine, and they repeat the same 40 seconds or so of a "Legs" by ZZ Top ripoff entrance theme while the women all give them clothes to try on and an old man repeatedly feverishly swipes a credit card, and then at the end Gunn and Z-Man appear to get their dicks sucked in the fitting rooms, might be the absolute worst wrestling music video I have ever seen, and that is saying something pretty heavy.

Backstage, Tony is with Ravishing Rick Rude, who faces Sting in the semifinals of the King of Cable tournament.  Rude is going to get gratification in a physical fashion. With Sting. "Sting! Get set to sweat!"

Jesse Ventura's running the WCW Strongest Arm contest on Worldwide. HERE'S AN UPDATE. Seriously, what the hell were these people doing in this company? Backstage, AGAIN, Paul E. is with Michael Hayes, AGAIN, and blah blah blah. Once again, Hayes is excited for something he walked out on in disgust recently. OH! AND he's going to accompany Paul E. to the ring! GREAT!

Paul E. Dangerously v. Madusa

"The screw-ups started before they even locked up. They were supposed to air graphics on both so the TV audience wouldn't see Mike Thor come to the ring as the imposter, and the graphics were supposed to be taken down just in time to get the phone shot. As it turned out, everyone saw Thor come to the ring and at 6-2, 240, it was obvious that wasn't Madusa. But to even things out, the graphic was on the screen and missed the phone shot." (Wrestling Observer, November 30, 1992)

"That ain't MaDUSA!" says Jesse, as only he can. So Madusa comes in after it's revealed to be an impostor, and they actually give this the full five minutes. This is Paul E. Dangerously's final appearance on WCW TV. Five long, dreadful minutes to a time-limit draw. Michael Hayes eats a kick from Madusa, trying to be a trooper, trying to be a pro, trying to help, trying to do what he can. Heyman, as he generally always did in WCW, makes whatever stupid angle he's in work, and Madusa's effort is pretty solid, too. It's not their fault that this had no business going a full five minutes.

King of Cable recap. Rick Rude def. Barry Windham, Sting def. Brian Pillman, Big Van Vader v. Tony Atlas, Dustin Rhodes def. The Barbarian. Tonight we get Sting and Rude, and on Saturday Night, Vader and Rhodes.

Backstage, Harley Race talks and Big Van Vader makes noises. Vader flubs a line after claiming he's won more world titles than any man alive or dead, which is a huge lie considering Harley Race is standing right there.

King of Cable Semifinals: Sting v. Ravishing Rick Rude

They've got Ole Anderson, Hiro Matsuda and Larry Zbyszko ringside to judge, so guess what happens? This is a pretty good match and a big improvement after the last two rotten Rick Rude matches I watched, and Sting is up for it since he's back in with someone who doesn't suck and actually has some kind of chemistry with him. Sting is one of those guys who looked terrific and exciting and like someone you could build around when he was in with someone good, and when he wasn't, it could get ugly. Not just mediocre, but real bad, because Sting himself just never was all that great, and he couldn't carry much. Sting hits the splash but doesn't have time to get the scorpion locked in before the 20-minute time limit ends. We go to the judges, and it's a split decision. Matsuda scores it for Sting, Zbyszko scores it for Rude, Ole scores for Sting, so Sting is on to the King of Cable finals at Starrcade. Rude goes after Sting and gets an atomic drop for his troubles.

WCW/NWA World Tag Team Titles: Dustin Rhodes & Barry Windham (c) v. Ricky Steamboat & Shane Douglas

Great, now I'm watching Shane Douglas main events, too. This is good wrestling, as you'd expect, though since it's four babyfaces the crowd is only half-interested. Steamboat and Windham look really good together even though it's not 1987 anymore (which is a shame), and I will say that this WCW run was the best work Shane Douglas ever did, and I really mean that. It's in part because Douglas had some rub just from teaming with Steamboat, and he's facing good opponents pretty much all the time, because Douglas himself isn't worth much of a shit at all. Of the four guys in here, Douglas is the obvious fourth wheel on the tricycle. That's a horrible turn of phrase, or whatever it is. My ass should be franchised ha ha ha for that.

Steamboat winds up taking a face to the groin from Dustin Rhodes, and he's all clutching his junk, and Dustin won't follow up. Windham is pissed, Ventura points out he's right to be pissed, and of course Ventura is right, which is how Ventura is best. Windham tags himself in and goes for the cover after an elbow. Windham hits an inverted atomic drop, because Barry Windham rules. That gets two, too. Douglas walks in, but before he does anything Windham tells him to fuck off so he does. Windham and Rhodes jaw a little as Barry pulls dead weight Steamboat up. ANOTHER inverted atomic drop, and then the lariat, and ... Dustin breaks up the pin. The crowd actually boos, and Rhodes and Windham trade right hands. Douglas comes in after a tag, hits his shitty belly-to-belly on Windham, and the titles change hands. Dustin Rhodes is a punk, pallies.

Finally Windham has had enough of this goody goody fuckhole snot-nosed shit-head kid. There are fans that appear to be encouraging Barry to go slap that turd in the mouth. Dustin leaves, and Barry calls him back to the ring. Dustin wants to apologize, or explain his bullshit, idiotic decision to be a baby. Windham kicks him in the gut and punches him in the mouth and drops him with the DDT. Crowd reaction isn't exactly what they were hoping for. There are some boos, but plenty of people happy to see this happen.

Backstage, Jesse Ventura is with the new champs, Steamboat and Douglas. DICK FLAIR ha ha ha ASS FRANCHISED ha ha ha. Douglas is trying to fake cry, which is fitting enough, since he never was convincing in any of his lame ass promos. At least he's not going to talk. Steamboat starts yelling about his FRIEND, Dustin Rhodes, and Barry Windham beats the shit out of everyone with a steel chair, because BARRY WINDHAM IS BACK. Told you he's a shifty sumbitch.

Good: Tag Title Match, Sting-Rude, 450 Splash, Pillman, Dangerously-Madusa video
Terrible: Everything else
Must-See: Vinnie Vegas promo, Z-Man/Gunn video

"When I get through with you, everyone's gonna call you Paulina!"

1 comment:

  1. Pretty sad writing. Watch the heels on TV...don't try to write like you're one!