Thursday, July 15, 2010

Brent's Professional Wrestling YouTube Travels #1

Well, if Scott is going to do it then by god I'm going to do it too. Plus I'm up on a call for work at four damn A.M. and it'll help me stay awake.

102You know, I wish I'd started this project at a different moment. I don't really want to get trapped by Japanese crap because it's just not fun for a project like this, but I already had this video up. Hopefully I get some related video goodness.

Kabuki comes out and he's all "I have nunchucks!" and the crowd oohs and ahhs even though, from my understanding, all of these people carry mystical oriental weaponry. Both guys mist into the air before the match and I wonder how the fuck many mistings there will be in this match.

By this point Kabuki was old as shit and built a bit like someone's fat, drunk uncle and he has those really unfortunate man boobs that start way too low. Hey, ref bump and a misting by Muta in the first minute or so of the match. Muta beats his ass for a few minutes and the video

Son of a bitch, I can't not watch the second part of the match and see what happened.

Kabuki is bleeding and after Muta bites him it becomes time for Kabuki to get some offense in and now Muta is pouring blood. Well, okay, if this match is gonna happen in '93 at least it's going to happen with a bunch of blood. This match involves way too much face biting. I don't speak Japanese and so far the only word I've been able to make out from the commentary is WCW...which, isn't actually a word. But I'm sure they've had to talk a lot about face biting and the metalic taste of human blood. Muta is hitting him with a non-folding chair and Kabuki mists him, then mists the ref, then hits some other official that jumps in and it's a DQ. After the bell Kabuki puts him in a sleeper and Muta mists the air.

Well, that was...something.

Alright, well, the related videos get me away from more blood disease swapping Japanese terror and into the world of WCCW and with Rude and Adams I think I can eventually keep using the related videos to get some sweet, sweet WCW action.

This is too much Kabuki for 4:00am (now 4:44) but at least we're in America so I can hear a lot about Oriental martial arts. "How do you spell relief?" the video asks me before telling me that the Cubs beat the Dodgers 8-3 earlier in the day. Kabuki's tits were in the right(ish) place at this point in his life.

Simpson is a nice little worker and Rude is built like a shit brickhouse that can kick the piss out of the little fella. Oh neat, there's a little subplot about "who has the best kick" between Adams and Kabuki. Of course Adams isn't Oriental, so I think that's obvious. I should probably stop referring to people as Oriental.

Anyway, the good guys win.

No, that's not a typo by me, that's just how it's spelled in the video.

Well, this is only 1:05 long as the whole match is missing except the end. This was stupid.

This is before the Summerslam Warrior/Rick Rude match.102

Warrior is really into Kathy Lee and Frank Gifford as parents. That was weird. He also won't shut up about Kathy Lee being the most beautiful woman on TV and smiling like a dope.

So the thing is he's all calm and quiet to start and then for some reason he starts to tear the set apart. Holy fuck, this is stupid. I don't really have much else to add.

As much as I wanted to go with Lex Luger on Regis and Kathy Lee or Ultimate Warrior Meets Arsenio Hall I figured I should probably transition back to actual matches.

On this Nitro Warrior was running around jumping the NWO backstage so Hogan comes out and says Warrior needs to beat The Giant in a cage match to earn a shot at him. Hogan says "YOU shall be history, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, the NWOites, in Hollywood they trust" which only adds to how fucking unhip he is.

The cage fills with smoke and the Warrior is in the cage sitting in a chair, the Giant is unconscious and the crowd doesn't really pop for the moment but the heat picks up a little as the segment goes on. Of course this was well, well before the whole Halloween Havoc disaster. These fans didn't know what they were in for. More smoke fills the cage after Bischoff and Hogan lock Warrior in the cage and now he's gone again. That was the end of the last Nitro before War Games. So...yeah.

This opens up with Hawk and Animal yelling at Stink (I meant to type Sting, but the moronic little child in me laughed at the typo, so it stays) about teaming with Luger, even though they had won the tag straps. I could choose right now to go into a Sting/LeBron James comparison, but I'll pass. Sting makes his AWESOME "I'm so conflicted face":

See? He is SO conflicted!

Animal: Luger's out here sayin' he's from Chicago. Luger, you're not from Chicago! You don't know what it's like to have to fight, kick and scratch for everything. The closest you've been to downtown is when you dropped off your stinkin' laundry to be cleaned! (ed. note: in 1996 were the only dry cleaning locations in the Chicagoland area downtown?)

Luger: Stinger! Tell 'em! I'm from Chicago! I know what Chicago is like! You tell 'em!

Sting: Lex! You are from the white collar section of CHICAGO! They are from the streets! They're from Halsted Street! The key word is STREETS! They're monsters from the streets. (ed. note: Halsted is a pretty long street and covers a vast amount of different socioeconomic situations from Cabrini Green to "boystown." Also, as pointed out by Wikipedia: One Man Gang, Colt Cabana, Ace Steel and C.M. Punk all claim to be from Halsted Street)

Hawk does get on the mic briefly to say that Luger reminds him of a washing machine because he agitates them, and the Road Warriors can go knock out Willie B the gorilla at the Atlanta Zoo if they want. So in the end this all leads up to an agreement (I guess) that the two teams should meet in a Chicago Street Fight.

Lex Luger VS Renegade [part 2 of 2]

Okay, so part 1 was mostly the interview, part 2 is the match between Luger and Renegade and with all those muscles in the ring I imagine it's extremely hard to walk in the arena what with all the wetness from the ladies in the crowd.

The match...isn't as bad as I expected. For some reason Renegade (well after his relevant period as basically an Ultimate Warrior impersonator) is put in a position where it looks like he could go over on Luger but Jimmy Hart interferes and Luger gets the rack for the win. Sting comes in and yells at Luger for the cheap win. I get the point but Luger comes off pretty damn weak because of it all. Sting is all YELLYELLYELL and...that's pretty much it.

Now, my call has ended and I can go to sleep so I'm calling an end to this.

By the way, while I know Scott would probably argue this point, the torture rack is fucking stupid.

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