Friday, July 10, 2009

TOOOOOOT! TOOOOOOOT!

1. Tugboat vs. Mr. Perfect

This was an interesting match-up because you're taking a great technician in Hennig and saying, go put on a gem against this fatty! It's obvious that Perfect is playing the heel here because this guy was all "Booo!"
This was during the period where Tugboat was kind of over with a good segment of the fanbase. Especially this kid who was like "MOTHER FUCK YES! TUG-FUCKING-BOAT! GIMMIE SOME, GIMMIE SOME, OH YEAH TUGBOAT! TOOOOOOOOT! TOOOOOOOOT!"
But I guess that kid kind of looks like a Tugboat in Training (T.i.T. is not the most flattering acronym, but appropriate in a way).

They announce Tugboat at 384, which is probably realistic. But this is wrestling, so get out of here with that noise! He must be 500 pounds! This video is about 5:45 and they actually touch each other for maybe 1:00 total. Tugboat misses the splash and Perfect gets the pin while holding the sweet sailor pants which I guess negates all that upper body strength of Tugboat. But it's a magical rule of wrestling so match over. A lot of hype for absolutely nothing. But what was I expecting?

2. Earthquake vs. Ronnie Garvin

Well, I guess if you're going to use YouTube "related videos" to determine what to watch next then you're going to go Tugboat -> Earthquake. I always kind of wished that someone would have told Earthquake to slow it down with the walking to the ring and trying to time his steps with the noise in his entrance "music" just for effect. Garvin is actually a great match-up for a big guy because his thing is "punching hard" so when he starts laying in the right hands and headbutts (and awesome foot stomps) it's much better than Perfect just being stuck going "I can't do anything to this fat guy! Uh oh!" Ventura calls the story of David vs. Goliath fiction, sending shockwaves through the literallist Christian movement.

Honestly this is a completely competent and pretty entertaining match which only falters in maybe making 'quake look a bit too venerable heading into his Wrestlemania match with Hercules but still, Garvin did his job REALLY well.

3. Big Bossman vs. Boris Zukhov

Is there easier heat than a foreign wrestler asking people to stand for his national anthem? According to this guy....no
Seriously. Clothes kicked ass back then.

It'd be easy to talk about how Americans would throw a shit fit if they found out that there was some Iranian wrestling federation that used our anthem as a heat tool, booed it and cut it off with music for a pretend cop. But that's just lame. Fun is fun and evil foreign guys are fun.

Bossman's pants are like smaller, black versions of Tugboats which is a fact that I'm getting hung up on. Is that a good thing? Well, it's better than getting hung up on all the obvious punches that aren't landing. Boris is spending way too much time working the shoulder with headbutts which is arguably the least believable attack in wrestling. Crappy spinebuster and Bossman wins. It's pro wrestling so I don't get too hung up on realism, but this is the kind of match that exposed the truth for me when I was a kid. It sucked..that's it.

Still...Tug-mother fucking-boat

No comments:

Post a Comment