Monday, July 13, 2009

BROTHER! SPIT ON IT FOR ME!

1. Goldberg v. Steven Regal


This is one of those famous matches that has a story that has taken on a life of its own. I don't know if I just missed it live or what, but I never really remembered it until reading about it online and then again later in Regal's book, described as this catastrophe of epic proportions where Regal was sent out by Eric Bischoff to do six minutes with the ultra green Goldberg, who'd barely done anything resembling an entire, fully-fleshed pro wrestling match in his brief time. The match, so the legend goes, is a clusterfuck where Goldberg is totally lost and Regal is just trying to piece the thing together and make it look in any way legitimate.

Once the match gets a few minutes in, you can really see Goldberg being completely incapable of doing this match. Regal wasn't exactly in peak condition at this point in his career. But he's a professional to the bone and basically walks Goldberg through it before finally succumbing to one of the worst spear/jackhammer combinations you'll ever see. It's almost a relief when that ugly spear hits, though -- at least it means Regal can stop holding Goldberg's hand.

2. Al Snow v. X-Pac


This is just horrible. Considering I hate Al Snow and X-Pac, this should have been no surprise to me. The best thing going on is Regal's commentary. Snow's European title gimmick was the pits, made worse by Michael Cole's usual shit job of figuring out what emotion he was trying to convey. He wanted to find it absurd and silly, it seemed, but then he got that 11-year old's kick out of it being a picture of Eddie Munster, and I mean an 11-year old that thinks Jeff Dunham is the funniest guy in the world because his parents don't let him watch Chris Rock or the like. Then Billy Gunn runs in and I want to die. It's like everything that sucks flooding together. If Al Snow, X-Pac, Billy Gunn and Michael Cole fucked the end result would be John Cena.

3. Chaz Taylor v. Axl Rotten


I got to see Axl Rotten live in IWA Mid-South a few years ago and he tried to do that whole "I'm just like you guys, I'm here to have fun, and I'm totally serious about livin' clean and lovin' life," and I was like, "That's awesome, dude." Still, he stunk. I'm not sure I've ever seen GWF Axl -- I don't know if he was there when they were on ESPN, which I semi-fondly remember watching because I would've watched anything wrestling at that time.

The best thing here isn't Axl being British, it's the two ham-and-eggers trying to make this all seem, like, hip or dangerous or something, as if a fat, purple-haired punk rocker from this strange land called "England" was some innovative, current shit. I mean the whole thing had been dead for years. But that's pro wrestling. Consistently near a decade behind the curve in pop culture.

4. M. Wallstreet v. Mike Enos


This is definitely when the nWo really hit their peak. When M. Wallstreet took the contract to go black and white, WCW was straight boned. I wasn't all that amazingly "smart" then (not like I am now, as a genius), but even my dumb, gullible, nerdy, way-too-excited-for-pro-wrestling teenage ass reacted to this one with a simple question: Why? Was Wallstreet really someone you'd pay to fill out an organization at this point?

5. An actual good nWo segment


I flat out shit my pants when this was live. Just awesome.

The Giant?
...
THE GIANT!
...
NO!
...
NO!

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